How to handle this difficult situation with a friend

[Anonymous]

Friend is the parent of one of DD’s close friends. She is a tenured professor at one of the schools that’s been in the news a lot recently because of reactions from students and faculty to the situation in Israel and Gaza. She signed her name to a letter that dh (and I) find extremely disturbing and dh has declared that he has lost all respect for her and in his mind the friendship is over. He is an alum of the same university which is how he saw the letter. He isn’t going to stop dd from being friends with her daughter but he won’t socialize with this woman again.
I want to speak with her and I want Dh to be there or at least to listen to our conversation. He doesn’t want to. I know he is upset and angry but I don’t think letting it fester in silence will help anything. Any thoughts as to what I can say to him to at least get him open to being present at a conversation that I will lead?
She (until now) has been a good friend - she and dh actually have a lot in common, they share (partially) the same background and we had actually been planning to vacation with this family next year - which dh now says will never happen but obviously canceling that will require some explanation.

[Anonymous]

For me it would depend on what letter she signed? Is she concerned about antisemitism? That would be fine by me. Does she think Hamas is justified? Nope, that's a nogo. Does she think people should be allowed to protest for Palestine as long as they don't support Hamas actions...OK I'm open to listening.

If the person supports the action of terrorists or refuses to call Hamas terrorists, then sure our kids can be friends, but I am done. Not going to listen. If the person wants to give me another perspective on the plight of the Palestinian people then I am open to that.

[Anonymous]

She has a right to her opinion. What does it say?

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to push your husband. You can be friends with her without your husband. He has the right to choose his own friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend is the parent of one of DD’s close friends. She is a tenured professor at one of the schools that’s been in the news a lot recently because of reactions from students and faculty to the situation in Israel and Gaza. She signed her name to a letter that dh (and I) find extremely disturbing and dh has declared that he has lost all respect for her and in his mind the friendship is over. He is an alum of the same university which is how he saw the letter. He isn’t going to stop dd from being friends with her daughter but he won’t socialize with this woman again.
I want to speak with her and I want Dh to be there or at least to listen to our conversation. He doesn’t want to. I know he is upset and angry but I don’t think letting it fester in silence will help anything. Any thoughts as to what I can say to him to at least get him open to being present at a conversation that I will lead?
She (until now) has been a good friend - she and dh actually have a lot in common, they share (partially) the same background and we had actually been planning to vacation with this family next year - which dh now says will never happen but obviously canceling that will require some explanation.

Tell the truth.

[Anonymous]

No advice but I’m in the same boat. My SO’s best friend keeps posting telling Jews to “stop centering your trauma” and calling the victims of the Nova music festival legitimate targets because they are “settlers”. Sharing disinformation saying Hamas didn’t kill babies. I never want to speak to this person again but my SO wants to remain friends. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. Honestly, I would ask for an explanation from the friend. “Hey, I was surprised to see your name on a letter that containing views about X I frankly find upsetting. Do you really hold those views?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice but I’m in the same boat. My SO’s best friend keeps posting telling Jews to “stop centering your trauma” and calling the victims of the Nova music festival legitimate targets because they are “settlers”. Sharing disinformation saying Hamas didn’t kill babies. I never want to speak to this person again but my SO wants to remain friends. Ugh.

Do you think if you/dh spoke with your friend and explained how hurtful her words and actions are she would respond reasonably?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. Honestly, I would ask for an explanation from the friend. “Hey, I was surprised to see your name on a letter that containing views about X I frankly find upsetting. Do you really hold those views?”

Op - thanks, that is what I want to do. Dh agrees that I “should” do it but he doesn’t want to be there. My concern is even if she does give a reasonable explanation (the only 2 I can come up with are either she was concerned about her job in which case she’s a coward but I guess I can sort of forgive it more, or that she stupidly didn’t actually read the letter or understand it, but I know she isn’t stupid…), Dh won’t be able to move on/forward at all because he won’t have heard from her, just from my version of what she said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice but I’m in the same boat. My SO’s best friend keeps posting telling Jews to “stop centering your trauma” and calling the victims of the Nova music festival legitimate targets because they are “settlers”. Sharing disinformation saying Hamas didn’t kill babies. I never want to speak to this person again but my SO wants to remain friends. Ugh.

This situation is much more clear. I would cut any ties with someone who maligned the victims of the attacks or defended Hamas or spread disinformation. This one is a no-brainer for me and if my SO wanted to stay friends with this person, I'd probably re-evaluate that relationship too.

What OP is talking about is a much more subtle situation, and without knowing what was in the letter the professor signed, there is absolutely no way to advise.

[Anonymous]

Fine, here is the letter that they signed:

https://docs.google.com/document/u/1/d/e/2PACX-1vSxEIf0j1H6v3R4549yxfetSBy1ioc6VHyJa3vKfvgyVFX9TAluk_1laTuSBKAyzqjF3hJT9EVw0P7a/pub

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice but I’m in the same boat. My SO’s best friend keeps posting telling Jews to “stop centering your trauma” and calling the victims of the Nova music festival legitimate targets because they are “settlers”. Sharing disinformation saying Hamas didn’t kill babies. I never want to speak to this person again but my SO wants to remain friends. Ugh.

Do you think if you/dh spoke with your friend and explained how hurtful her words and actions are she would respond reasonably?

I think she would probably say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way, of course I’m not antisemitic” and continue posting the same stuff about how Jews need to shut up. Other mutual friends have tried. I have tried to just get off social media and ignore but I can’t forget the things she’s already shared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. Honestly, I would ask for an explanation from the friend. “Hey, I was surprised to see your name on a letter that containing views about X I frankly find upsetting. Do you really hold those views?”

One other question - how would you ask the question? Text? On the phone? Try to find a time in person? I don’t see her often as our kids are now older but we had socialized maybe once a month or every other month and she texts me a fair bit.

[Anonymous]

She’s made her views known. Team DH. Just ghost and make an excuse to cancel for the joint vacation. No need to make it a big deal or confrontation, people ghost all the time.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is entitled to her pro-Palestine support as you are to your pro-Israeli support.
Just disengage if the difference is insurmountable.