What is this dynamic with DH?

[Anonymous]

Last night DH said something really rude and thoughtless (and inaccurate!) related to our shared finances. The finances aren’t the point and they’re quite healthy, so I won’t go into tedious details.

In the course of this discussion, he became really rigid and stubborn and somehow flipped an insult he had lobbed at me into the conversation being all about his hurt feelings. He raised his voice and pouted and then stormed away not talking and spent the night on the couch.

This is a pattern- he says something unkind, thoughtless or rude to me, escalates the situation when I tell him he can’t treat me like that, and then walks out of the situation, turns on the silent treatment and sulks around as if he’s the victim.

He absolutely can never be wrong and I’ve seen him argue with our kids in the same stubborn way. Part of me thinks that whenever he realizes he’s behaving badly he deliberately tries to twist the situation to cover his shame/embarrassment and make me the bad guy. Is that a thing? Does it have a name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night DH said something really rude and thoughtless (and inaccurate!) related to our shared finances. The finances aren’t the point and they’re quite healthy, so I won’t go into tedious details.

In the course of this discussion, he became really rigid and stubborn and somehow flipped an insult he had lobbed at me into the conversation being all about his hurt feelings. He raised his voice and pouted and then stormed away not talking and spent the night on the couch.

This is a pattern- he says something unkind, thoughtless or rude to me, escalates the situation when I tell him he can’t treat me like that, and then walks out of the situation, turns on the silent treatment and sulks around as if he’s the victim.

He absolutely can never be wrong and I’ve seen him argue with our kids in the same stubborn way. Part of me thinks that whenever he realizes he’s behaving badly he deliberately tries to twist the situation to cover his shame/embarrassment and make me the bad guy. Is that a thing? Does it have a name?

See the two parts in bold, OP. He's treating not only you but also the kids this way. They will grow up resenting him; or tiptoeing around dad out of fear of making him angry; or seeing what he models and doing this same toxic behavior themselves, and by the time they're adults, they won't see it and won't be able to change it easily.

Maybe (and it's only a maybe) if your DH can be self-aware when he's not angry and petulant (and yes, he's petulant and immature when he plays the victim and pouts!), there's a shot at talking to him when he has NOT just been pi$$ed off, and saying you want to talk about the dynamic you have as a couple and he has with the kids. But you would need to be ready with a script so you don't just put his back up and make him defensive, and then...petulant and immature DH pops out again.

The fact that this is a definite pattern in how he communicates (which is by not communicating at all) indicates it's ingrained and you need to see if you can get him to accept going to therapy, whether individual or couples I'm not sure. Maybe both. If you think he would flatly refuse therapy or even just a short-term couples communication course (like a premarital counseling course, such things do exist) -- you may have to double down on saying, "If YOU don't see a problem here, I do see one. And when one half of a couple sees a problem, there's a problem, even if the other half doesn't perceive it. If you won't go, and won't make a real effort at working with me on this as a team, I will reconsider how we go forward as a couple." I am NOT saying to divorce over this, OP! This can be fixable but if and only if he can step outside his own anger and ego enough to see the issue is going to make you dislike him and make his kids dislike/resent/fear him.

[Anonymous]

It's the thing that you are describing. Are you looking for a diagnosis of hi personality? How would it help you? (Genuine question) You know you don't like it.

[Anonymous]

I find the whole, “I was being completely reasonable, and my spouse just went crazy. What’s wrong with them?” thing to be kind of annoying. It’s not just you, OP. It happens a lot on this board.

You two got into a fight. Probably neither of you are completely sane or completely crazy. If you can’t figure out your part in it or what part of this dynamic you are teaching to your kids when they get into it with your husband (and probably will with their own spouse one day), then no one can help any of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the thing that you are describing. Are you looking for a diagnosis of hi personality? How would it help you? (Genuine question) You know you don't like it.

NP it would be great to have a label to this for research purposes. I have seen this behavior before and it certainly helps that person as everyone backs off knowing you can't argue with crazy.

[Anonymous]

He’s a man baby. It’s common, and annoying.

It’s hard to figure out how to not criticize and set it off while still feeling like you’re standing up for yourself. I’m working on it.

Sometimes it helps if I just say to myself “I know that was wrong, he knows it was wrong, and I’m just going to let him work it out in his head for a while. That doesn’t mean I’m letting it go or being a doormat.” And then I just call a timeout and come back to the issue later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the thing that you are describing. Are you looking for a diagnosis of hi personality? How would it help you? (Genuine question) You know you don't like it.

NP it would be great to have a label to this for research purposes. I have seen this behavior before and it certainly helps that person as everyone backs off knowing you can't argue with crazy.

I think it’s just defensiveness. It probably means they had a highly critical or angry parent. So when they make a mistake, and the spouse comes at them for it, they throw up every wall they have including making themselves the victim instead of the offender, which was probably learned from the same bad parent.

I’m not saying it’s okay but I think that’s what it is. It’s defensive maneuvers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night DH said something really rude and thoughtless (and inaccurate!) related to our shared finances. The finances aren’t the point and they’re quite healthy, so I won’t go into tedious details.

In the course of this discussion, he became really rigid and stubborn and somehow flipped an insult he had lobbed at me into the conversation being all about his hurt feelings. He raised his voice and pouted and then stormed away not talking and spent the night on the couch.

This is a pattern- he says something unkind, thoughtless or rude to me, escalates the situation when I tell him he can’t treat me like that, and then walks out of the situation, turns on the silent treatment and sulks around as if he’s the victim.

He absolutely can never be wrong and I’ve seen him argue with our kids in the same stubborn way. Part of me thinks that whenever he realizes he’s behaving badly he deliberately tries to twist the situation to cover his shame/embarrassment and make me the bad guy. Is that a thing? Does it have a name?

DARVO

It’s abusive.

And juvenile and immature.

Has he always been such a poor communicator?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the thing that you are describing. Are you looking for a diagnosis of hi personality? How would it help you? (Genuine question) You know you don't like it.

Real diagnoses help those around them find coping methods, make a plan, and execute the plan.

Most psychologists would rather meet weekly with the family members to work on things, than the maladaptive disordered, belligerant adult.

[Anonymous]

He probably needs to learn conflict skills in therapy.

Any chance that there is divorce in his family of origin?

I have several guy friends (married to one of them) who are and they all are like this when they are upset about something.

My husband went to therapy with me and the therapist spent all of our sessions teaching him these skills. It helped a lot. He wouldn’t go alone. I’m just glad I got him to go at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the thing that you are describing. Are you looking for a diagnosis of hi personality? How would it help you? (Genuine question) You know you don't like it.

NP it would be great to have a label to this for research purposes. I have seen this behavior before and it certainly helps that person as everyone backs off knowing you can't argue with crazy.

I think it’s just defensiveness. It probably means they had a highly critical or angry parent. So when they make a mistake, and the spouse comes at them for it, they throw up every wall they have including making themselves the victim instead of the offender, which was probably learned from the same bad parent.

I’m not saying it’s okay but I think that’s what it is. It’s defensive maneuvers.

Alternatively, his parents are people of few words and in essences neglected him. This can happen in Households where parent(s) have disorders or are on the spectrum, just dont interact or connect much. Or have to spend all time and resources in a special needs or troubled sibling.

Thus now that he IS getting bids for attention or much interact in a household, it’s for the first time. His parents did not role model this. They role modeled silence, or worse (dysfunction, stonewalling, arguing).

He need individual therapy where you get looped in once a month to keep things honest.

[Anonymous]

ODD

Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

[Anonymous]

Does he ever lead a conversation with you or others, not about work?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what it is, but I had this before. It's some kind of mental block or defense mechanism. I'm normally a rational person. When things get tense I can get very defensive and irrational.

What helped was to have my husband call it out when I started doing it. I am much better now. We have a signal. He'll say, "hey, you're blocking again." Then I'll stop and reassess my behavior. Something about the call out keeps me calm.

[Anonymous]

Every time you see him beginning to spiral down this hole of defensiveness, disengage as quickly as possible telling him you'd rather talk about this topic later.

And then, every time, bring it up the next day when he is calm starting in a place of curiosity by asking him questions about what he thinks happened and what could have made the interaction more productive.

You need him to reflect on this and he only has a chance of being able to do this when he is calm.