What is this dynamic with DH?

[Anonymous]

The sweep things under the rug passive/ aggressive dynamic is so toxic to running a household and having a functional relationship.

They bottle it up, don’t ID anger or the cause, and then explode at some other minor thing later. Eg helping a child use a bathroom while in costume and being five mins late for two hours of trick or treating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the thing that you are describing. Are you looking for a diagnosis of hi personality? How would it help you? (Genuine question) You know you don't like it.

NP it would be great to have a label to this for research purposes. I have seen this behavior before and it certainly helps that person as everyone backs off knowing you can't argue with crazy.

I think it’s just defensiveness. It probably means they had a highly critical or angry parent. So when they make a mistake, and the spouse comes at them for it, they throw up every wall they have including making themselves the victim instead of the offender, which was probably learned from the same bad parent.

I’m not saying it’s okay but I think that’s what it is. It’s defensive maneuvers.

Alternatively, his parents are people of few words and in essence neglected him. This can happen in Households where parent(s) have disorders or are on the spectrum; they just don’t interact or connect much. Or they have to spend all time and resources on a special needs or troubled sibling.

Thus now that he IS getting bids for attention or must interact in a household, it’s for the first time. His parents did not role model this. They role modeled silence, or worse (dysfunction, stonewalling, arguing).

He needs individual therapy where you get looped in once a month to keep things honest.

Agree. More common is the pervasive SILENCE in their household, than criticizing of him, resulted in his inability to handle parenting or working as a life partner. So anger it is, his only emotion.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the thing that you are describing. Are you looking for a diagnosis of hi personality? How would it help you? (Genuine question) You know you don't like it.

NP it would be great to have a label to this for research purposes. I have seen this behavior before and it certainly helps that person as everyone backs off knowing you can't argue with crazy.

I think it’s just defensiveness. It probably means they had a highly critical or angry parent. So when they make a mistake, and the spouse comes at them for it, they throw up every wall they have including making themselves the victim instead of the offender, which was probably learned from the same bad parent.

I’m not saying it’s okay but I think that’s what it is. It’s defensive maneuvers.

Alternatively, his parents are people of few words and in essence neglected him. This can happen in Households where parent(s) have disorders or are on the spectrum; they just don’t interact or connect much. Or they have to spend all time and resources on a special needs or troubled sibling.

Thus now that he IS getting bids for attention or must interact in a household, it’s for the first time. His parents did not role model this. They role modeled silence, or worse (dysfunction, stonewalling, arguing).

He needs individual therapy where you get looped in once a month to keep things honest.

Agree. More common is the pervasive SILENCE in their household, than criticizing of him, resulted in his inability to handle parenting or working as a life partner. So anger it is, his only emotion.”

I'm the OP. The silence in DH's family! It is pervasive and even oppressive. I'm remembering a family wedding where every table just sat silently nodding their heads to the background music during dinner. Part of me thinks that it's not that DH is uncomfortable with difficult topics or situations (he is)- it's that he's uncomfortable with any form of interpersonal communication and talking. If something is said out loud, it must be really, really bad, so he can't even hear the words coming out of my mouth and goes into red alert/panic mode.

[Anonymous]

That’s derived from mental disorders OP.
Inability to socialize or have a back and forth conversation.