wish i could be closer to my parents as they age

[Anonymous]

My sister and I both moved away from dc area to other major metro areas for career reasons. We're both now married with kids. My parents decided to retire about 2 hours from my sister which is a 12hr drive or 3/4 day air travel (with getting to airport / to their house etc) from me. They're at the age their health needs are starting to increase.

I'm so sad (and if i'm being honest also jealous) that I can't play the role my sister does in their lives or seeing them very regularly, being able to be where they stay when they need specialist care and minor procedures in at a major medical center, being who they visit all the time for little celebrations like bdays and school plays.

My 3 kids are very young so the 2x a year I visit them is about all we can do right now and I can't easily leave the kids on the fly to be there for a surgery or something. I think they feel the clock ticking so they do a ton of international travel to get that in while they can and only visit us about 1x a year. I can't easily move to my sisters city (and she couldn't have moved to my city if they'd picked here).

To me, it'd be an honor to care for them as they age. I know there's also huge difficulties with it, but i'd love to play that role for them instead of the distant daughter offering distant support. I'm glad they have my sister to support them (truly) but also struggle with feelings about it being her and not me.

No particular question, I know my parents don't owe me anything, and I should just be glad they have a daughter caring for him. But I'm hoping someone has some words of wisdom about it so i'm not carrying around negative feelings for the next decade or so and instead just appreciating the ways I can be close to them or help them.

[Anonymous]

They're traveling and seem to live a very full life--that's really the best you can hope for at this point in their retirement.

Eventually, when their health declines to a point where independent living is no longer advisable, even 2 hours is too far. So they will need to decide about where to live at that point. You can make a case for them to move closer to you then.

[Anonymous]

Move back. You won't regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're traveling and seem to live a very full life--that's really the best you can hope for at this point in their retirement.

Eventually, when their health declines to a point where independent living is no longer advisable, even 2 hours is too far. So they will need to decide about where to live at that point. You can make a case for them to move closer to you then.

This is a great point. You could also talk to your sister, now, and say that you so appreciate what she's doing and you would be intersted in doing it later on if/when your parents need to move again. (No need to share your feelings of jealousy: they are valid but nor for her to have to manage.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move back. You won't regret it.

there is no moving "back" - nobody lives in our hometown city (dc). my parents retired to a mountain town about 2 hours outside of my sisters major city. My husband's industry is in our city (and my industry is basically nonexistent in my sister's city). They do the 2 hour drive to see her all the time because its getting them out of their little mountain town when they're bored and want to run to costco and hang out her with fam for a weekend. They also are establishing all their ongoing healthcare in her city (versus big towns / little cities that are a little closer to them but not a lot closer). I'd say they visit her probably about 35+ day a year (roughly a long weekend a month) as well as sometimes travel with her fam and me about 7. And I am grateful they are close to family and have that connection easily and have her eyes on them, I just wish it could be me too. But it can't without really turning things upside professionally for dh. And it would be kind of nuts to ask him to "please take a major hit to your career and agree to a hit to our financial situation and our kids happiness at their current school to go live 2 hours from my parents so they can visit us once a month and i can take care of them whenever they start needing it". I just really wish this wasn't the situation and we could easily uproot and move to my sister's city.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to get your spouse on board with a plan for you to be more available. You should go visit them 2x per year as a family like you do, but you should start visiting at *least* 2x a year on your own on top of that. Every parent should be able to take care of their own kids to support their spouses who are in the “sandwich” generation. I try to go back to help my parents every other month. Sometimes it’s just a 2-day visit on my way to or from a work trip. Sometimes I go for longer.

At first I felt so torn about telling my spouse I felt I needed to do this as I felt guilty that it was going to be a big load for him to care for the kids while I traveled, but it’s gone fine. But I also felt tremendous guilt that my siblings were having to do too much and I wasn’t helping much.

And I think my spouse feels better knowing that if his parents get sick and need help, that he’ll have the support at home so that he can be available to his parents as needed, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to get your spouse on board with a plan for you to be more available. You should go visit them 2x per year as a family like you do, but you should start visiting at *least* 2x a year on your own on top of that. Every parent should be able to take care of their own kids to support their spouses who are in the “sandwich” generation. I try to go back to help my parents every other month. Sometimes it’s just a 2-day visit on my way to or from a work trip. Sometimes I go for longer.

At first I felt so torn about telling my spouse I felt I needed to do this as I felt guilty that it was going to be a big load for him to care for the kids while I traveled, but it’s gone fine. But I also felt tremendous guilt that my siblings were having to do too much and I wasn’t helping much.

And I think my spouse feels better knowing that if his parents get sick and need help, that he’ll have the support at home so that he can be available to his parents as needed, too.

NP. You're lucky. My spouse isn't as accommodating, in part because we have kids that play travel sports and he has work travel and wants to travel to see his family too and on and on. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

they do a ton of international travel to get that in while they can and only visit us about 1x a year

Something is wrong here. Tell them they need to visit you more often.

[Anonymous]

Op -

First I would be very grateful you have your sister close to them. We are far from my MIL as is my BIL/ SIL and it is so hard to manage. We have finally hired help but that is not ideal either.
I think it is great your parents are out there travelling and enjoying themselves and hopefully that continues for a while.

The next stage will likely be more difficult and hopefully you can be more helpful then. Your kids will be older and more self sufficient so taking a week/ weekend trip to see them alone will be easier. There will likely also be a lot of logistics you can help manage and maybe as a PP suggested they will eventually want to live near you in assisted living (if not in your home).

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are having to decide to move near us or near my SIL. They are pretty decided on being near us because they can’t afford the same standard of living within an hour of my SIL. It’s bringing up lots of feelings for everyone. I think it’s ok to prioritize seeing your parents more if you want. It will get easier as the kids get older. Also I completely agree 2 hours away is not close enough for aging parents- in a few years they may need to make another move. Try to remember there’s a lot to this that’s just practical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are having to decide to move near us or near my SIL. They are pretty decided on being near us because they can’t afford the same standard of living within an hour of my SIL. It’s bringing up lots of feelings for everyone. I think it’s ok to prioritize seeing your parents more if you want. It will get easier as the kids get older. Also I completely agree 2 hours away is not close enough for aging parents- in a few years they may need to make another move. Try to remember there’s a lot to this that’s just practical

Yeah - the ultimate vision is that they would live near my sister if needed. There's a very nice assisted living / nursing home place in their town that I think they'd use if one of them needed it and the other was still independent and then the surviving one would move close to my sister when they could no longer be independent on their own or just no longer wanted to be in the mountain town on their own. Very high odds it'd be my mom staying there until my dad passed and then moving to my sister. She'd have no interest in taking care of their house on her own long run.