4th grade girl struggling at new school

[Anonymous]

4th grade DD just started a new school which is very small. At her last school she was happy and had many friends, she was worried about hurting others' feelings bc too many asked to play with her. At first the kids at the new school seemed interested in her but now she spends a lot of time alone. One girl spread a rumor that DD is a dork and is telling others not to play with DD. DD is very sweet, sometimes a little quiet but does not show-off or do off-putting things from what I have seen and heard of her. She usually makes friends in every activity, even at hotels on vacation. Her old friends adore her and cried when they find out she was switching schools. I have appointments with the teacher and counselor this week but I don't even know what they will be able to do. Feels like we made a huge mistake switching schools...

[Anonymous]

Schedule lots and lots of playdates, both with kids from her old school and kids from her new school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Schedule lots and lots of playdates, both with kids from her old school and kids from her new school.

We have done that, the girls from the new school are okay-ish during the playdates but she said when she sees them at school they pretend like they don't know her and whisper to each other right in front of her.

[Anonymous]

Don’t just invite any girl. Ask the teacher for recommendations on girls that might be a good fit.

If they are ignoring her when they see her then she’s choosing the wrong girls.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this is happening. Maybe try playdates with any other new kid or quieter girl, even if that isn't her preferred friend to start.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Why did you switch schools OP? I actually hear this a lot from parents at small private schools. They think its going to be nurturing or something and it just isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this is happening. Maybe try playdates with any other new kid or quieter girl, even if that isn't her preferred friend to start.

DP
This is good advice. I have a quiet girl and we've been at the same small school for a while. I always invite the new kids over. I would do so even more often if they were quiet. There are a group of 'mean girls', as my daughter calls them, but they are the vocal minority. The majority of the kids are really sweet. Maybe your daughter just hasn't found her groove.

[Anonymous]

NP. Don’t beat yourself up, OP. It’s hard to have insight into a grade cohort from the outside.

Our school has some girls in 3rd grade and 4th grade who try older girl behavior and are not nice, but it’s only 2-3 out of each grade. 5th grade is a cohort known for being bad at welcoming new kids and very cliquey as well as concentrated in a few neighborhoods. In my DD’s 4th grade class, the other 18 are really great about befriending the 2-3 new girls we get per year. The school helped by having those new girls paired with hosts during their visits last year and choosing them very carefully to match personalities and interests. My DD and her friend both hosted girls who ended up becoming their new BFFs this year. The school did a lot of deliberate work in the background to connect parents, consider lunch and classroom placement, etc. to make sure the new kids would be welcomed.

For anyone else reading this post and thinking about switching schools, I would be upfront about asking the new school how they integrate new families into the community.

[Anonymous]

It's not so much the school, but the age. Girls this age are tough. They aren't very welcoming to newcomers either. It's hard to be the new girl and find your group. If these other girls have known each other for years, it will probably take your daughter years to settle in and be accepted.

[Anonymous]

....years or maybe just months. My kid had to make friends in 4th during the 2021-22 school year, and it was tough. But she eventually did. I'm sorry 4th grade girls can be tribal jerks. But I do think yours will find her way, and don't feel bad that you switched her. Change is inevitable and knowing we can deal with it makes us more welcoming when it hits us next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you switch schools OP? I actually hear this a lot from parents at small private schools. They think its going to be nurturing or something and it just isn't.

Yup, the new school advertised itself as being more nurturing. She was at a language immersion school that was underperforming academically and was annoying to get to, new school is walking distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you switch schools OP? I actually hear this a lot from parents at small private schools. They think its going to be nurturing or something and it just isn't.

Well, I am having a way worse time at public school with mean girls. 100 times worse. Switching to private. We were at private two years ago and did not have these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Don’t beat yourself up, OP. It’s hard to have insight into a grade cohort from the outside.

Our school has some girls in 3rd grade and 4th grade who try older girl behavior and are not nice, but it’s only 2-3 out of each grade. 5th grade is a cohort known for being bad at welcoming new kids and very cliquey as well as concentrated in a few neighborhoods. In my DD’s 4th grade class, the other 18 are really great about befriending the 2-3 new girls we get per year. The school helped by having those new girls paired with hosts during their visits last year and choosing them very carefully to match personalities and interests. My DD and her friend both hosted girls who ended up becoming their new BFFs this year. The school did a lot of deliberate work in the background to connect parents, consider lunch and classroom placement, etc. to make sure the new kids would be welcomed.

For anyone else reading this post and thinking about switching schools, I would be upfront about asking the new school how they integrate new families into the community.

Our school has such a program and despite emailing and trying to set up a playdate our 'ambassador' family just blew us off, didn't even bother to set up facetime before school that I suggested, just ignored my emails. I had to network my own way to get her playdates before school started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you switch schools OP? I actually hear this a lot from parents at small private schools. They think its going to be nurturing or something and it just isn't.

Well, I am having a way worse time at public school with mean girls. 100 times worse. Switching to private. We were at private two years ago and did not have these issues.

I mean….your kid was also younger then, no?