At wits end with almost 7 year old
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Anonymous
| Almost 7 year old daughter is exhausting. Always screaming always whining, never listening always defiant. Never admitting to anything she does. Always wanting everything she sees. I am exhausted being around her. Nothing is ever enough. She always wants her way and is extremely rude. I have tried validating her emotions, tried talking to her, tried 1-1 time with her. What do I do with her? She is completely different in school and around others. It’s not a behavioral issue anywhere else. But at home she is something else. Does not eat well, does not get ready or do any chores. What can I possibly do with her? |
Anonymous
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She is completely different in school and around others. It’s not a behavioral issue anywhere else.
It's you, OP. Point the finger at yourself. Fix yourself. |
Anonymous
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I hear you. I have a 6-yo DD and often feel this way.
I am reading the Explosive Child and finding it somewhat useful. It's basically about the idea that with rigid kids, the temptation is to either respond with your own rigidity, or to just roll over and let them do what they want. And neither really works because if you are rigid with rigid kids, they have no way of learning flexibility (no one is modeling it for them), but if you just let them do what they want, obviously, chaos. So the book is about the third way, where you work with them to facilitate problem solving. Upside is that I do think this is the way. Downside is that it's exhausting and hard. I'm also joining a parent support group via a family therapist our pediatrician recommended, because I just need somewhere to talk about this stuff with other people who get it. When I mention these challenges to friends, they often say things like "oh, that hasn't been a problem -- Larlo has always been really good about doing chores" and I just feel worse. So I think talking to other parents going through similar things is key, especially when you are working really hard to find solutions (so it's not like it's a result of just lazy, negligent parenting -- you are working at it!). I am also trying to adjust my expectations for our family so that we are set up for success more often, at least until we have better solutions to the defiance and other issues. We went on a summer vacation this year that was just an absolute misery because DD was so difficult. There were days where she literally just sat down on the ground and refused to do ANYTHING, just shut down in the middle of public places, yelled at us, probably the worst behavior I've ever seen from her. Obviously the vacation itself was too much change and required too much flexibility from her for where she is at right now. That was eye-opening and after recovering from it, I am now focused on, for the time being, lowering the stakes on our family schedule and plans so we don't wind up in situations where her rigidity or emotional reactivity becomes that hard to deal with. (By the way, on that vacation I wound up fully subscribing to the "just give her what she wants" school of parenting just to get through it, and it worked -- we just let her play games on the tablet and listen to her headphones almost nonstop for the last three days of the trip and while I felt very guilty about this, it allowed the rest of us to talk to each other and have moments of relaxation, actually sit down for meals, etc. I have zero regrets. It's the only thing that seemed to allow her to endure what was apparently the sheer torture of a beach resort vacation, and it kept me from having a nervous breakdown. Give yourself some grace -- this stuff is hard.) |
Anonymous
| Have you gotten any outside help? It might be time to look into additional supports. If she's holding it together at school and other places, that's could be hard for her and she's unloading at home. A GOOD therapist may be able to help you both come up with some strategies for managing situations. Some kids just need a little more support. |
Anonymous
NP. Lots of kids are obedient at school and wild at home. Where are you getting that OP needs to fix herself? |
Anonymous
| My DD went through this phase when she was 5.5. First, we tried to understand what was going on (in her case it was a new school and new baby sister) and cut her some slack because of it. Second, we maintained our regime of very limited screen time. Third, we spent a lot of time with her one-on-one doing things she likes (like playground). Fourth, she gets a sugary dessert a couple of times a week and we did not hesitate to take it away if she was really out of control (we would give her a couple of warnings first). She grew out of it by the time she turned 6, maybe because those stressors naturally subsided, but I also like to think we handled it pretty decently overall. |
Anonymous
| You need to withdraw. I agree the problem is you. Tell her the behavior is terrible and you nor anyone else should witness it. Then leave the room. If she doesn't do her chores implement consequences, i.e., take screen time or whatever she values away. If she throws a temper tantrum, leave. WHEN she follows you (and she will), leave again or tell her to go to her room until she can control herself. Do this quietly without shouting or anger. Ignore all bad behavior and make a big deal about the good behavior. Literally she's doing this because she's rewarded with your attention. Reprogram her by paying attention to only the positive things she does. |
Anonymous
I think what PP was trying to say is, "I have no life and know nothing about parenting but being mean to strangers is fun. That's why I'm the first poster!" |
Anonymous
This. It is hard, and it will take a while. Implement a reward chart and make sure you have a strict schedule so she knows what to expect and when to expect it. Have you mentioned anything to her teacher. It is possible that she has had some behavior issues at school that the teacher was able to address easily in the classroom. If so, find out how the teacher addressed it, and see if you can implement something similar at home. |
Anonymous
| OP, I just replied above. I do NOT think you are a bad parent. Your kid sounds harder to parent than the average kid. It is worth it to put in the hard work now. |
Anonymous
+1, child behavioral experts will tell you that children behave worst around those they trust most, so it's very common for a child's most challenging behaviors to come out at home. Also, as someone with a similar child, there are always things we as parents can do better to better meet our child's needs. However, kids are puzzles and just because what you are doing now isn't working doesn't mean you need to "fix" yourself. It means your kid needs something other than what you are currently offering and you need to get curious and figure out what it is. The fact that OP has tried different methods and is struggling, and is reaching out now for help, shows she's doing EXACTLY what she needs to do and looking for answers. That's a good mom. |
Anonymous
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I think she needs to start earning privileges. Whatever those are for her.
She's 7, so use a visual chart. Cooperating earns points, not cooperating removes points. Make it easy to earn points to start with. What is most important to you? Start with those. Be specific. Got out of bed without a fight. 5 points. At the end of the day her points earn her a priiviledge. |
Anonymous
While these methods could work for some kids, I just want to point out that I have a kid like OP's and we've found that any form of ignoring tends to heighten negative behaviors (not just immediately but moving forward too -- she is extremely sensitive to anything that feels like rejection), and that reward charts tend to get extremely bogged down in logistics because she is a litigator and will argue the technicalities of any behavior assessment until she's blue in the face, and also very willing to simply say "I don't care, I don't want it" regarding even the best rewards. Instead of ignoring, we have learned to acknowledge her emotions but just kind of steel ourselves against them. She will cry and complain and whine and we'll say "I see you are upset" or even "I know it can be hard to hear no" or whatever. But that's it. We don't leave but we don't give in. It's really hard. The biggest thing is to not meet her big reaction with your own big reaction, as that validates in the wrong way. But if you can meet her big reaction with calm acceptance, but not give into the demands and whining, over time this does lessen the size of reaction and reduce the amount of time whining goes on. Sometimes she'll also just get frustrated and storm off to cry in her room, which we are fine with. She almost always emerges 5 minutes later totally fine. She just had to get the feelings out. And since reward charts don't work (she gets so stressed about them, fixates, wants to argue every little thing, then ignores them all together), we have to find other ways to motivate. Probably the biggest one for us is pulling her into what we're doing and making her feel like a grown up. So like she will get very defiant if I say "please wash your hands and set the table" but if I say "can you come help me in the kitchen?" she'll be enthusiastic to help and then if I ask her to wash her hands before touching food she'll say "I know silly, of course" and if I say "do you think you can get the table set" she confidently goes off to do it. She does not like being ordered around but she can actually be helpful and easy and fun if she feels like she's involved and has some agency/authority. |
Anonymous
Yeah, it's likely this. The same way parents often misunderstand "being consistent" to mean they must act like heartless, brainless automatons, parents also misunderstand what it means to validate emotions and nurture a child. OP, it sounds like you are trying to use words to convince your daughter to do things and to talk her out of her emotions, and instead what is happening is that she keeps the conflict going as long as possible because she gets a constant stream of attention for it while also not having to do the desired thing. Instead, try reasonable, intelligently consistent routines and boundaries and make sure she gets more attention when she is doing what is expected than when she is not. And by "intelligently consistent" I mean you have empathy and make shifts in expectations depending on the specific circumstances. You can explain those to her without going over the top. Also, sometimes she will express sadness or anger. That is ok. Do not keep talking to her to "help her through it" or "validate her" because all you are doing is giving her attention for upset emotion, which in turn means she is less likely to cope with it and move on. Also helpful might be the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. I think it's actually a terrible title because mainly it's a book to help parents with (mostly) neurotypical kids manage their own thoughts, feelings, and behavior when interacting with their kids. It may provide a useful reframe for how to approach things. |
Anonymous
Ignore. It was a typical DCUM response. They're always near the top because all these trolls do is sit at home and post nasty comments to anonymous people about things they know nothing about. OP - it's definitely time to call in the professionals. Have you spoken to your pediatrician about it yet? Ours always have us fill out a questionnaire before every annual checkup. There is a place to check off all the behaviors you mention. |