At wits end with almost 7 year old

[Anonymous]

You are being outwitted by her superior negotiating and game theory skills. I suggest reading some books on negotiation tactics.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is like this too. DH and I don't get it. He said the other day, what are we doing wrong that she just gets to do whatever she wants. I can get very stern and am strong-willed too but she will fight me until the bitter end.

I do a lot of "control the environment" stuff that I learned from Positive Parenting Solutions, i.e. after bedtime snacks and medicines, I begin turning off all the lights except the one leading to her bedroom.

If she refuses go upstairs to bed, we don't fight about it anymore. We say, "OK, well, we are going to bed now. If you are upstairs soon, I'll tuck you in." Then we go to bed and turn the lights off. If she comes up quickly, I tuck her in.

If it's after I start drifting off, I just okay, sweetheart, I love you too. See you tomorrow and then ignore her until she goes to her own bed. We took the light bulb out of her ceiling light so she can't turn it on to play. I'm going to put a smart bulb in there.

Same with tantrums after turning off the tv. We can turn it off with our phones because it has Apple TV. We just learned to expect the tantrums and we go to another part of the house until she's done. She begun to learn it doesn't get her much attention. She really loves a good power struggle so we just don't give her one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much YouTube, screentime with ads or mindless scrolling so she getting when home? My guess is she needs to be weened off.

OP here- she gets an hour max of day of tv - no mindless scrolling allowed. Just the shows she decided with her sister.

Even with 1-1 time I am exhausted bc everything is an issue: just this morning- changing clothes she stomps, brushing hair she stomps. Telling her to go brush and she’s sour about it. No matter how I try to phrase it. It’s always an issue. I am trying hard to ignore her outbursts and tell her I’m here for you but pls let’s calm down. I try to ask her to breathe. She has a younger sister who is 4 and she is nowhere the same. So it can’t just be my parenting right?

My kids are teens now and I have been through all of this.You are not a bad parent. You sound like a kind, loving, thoughtful parent. However, I think the previous posters are right. You must ignore non-compliant behavior. Do not engage at all. If she stomps, walk away. Don't tell her that you are there for her, you are listening to her, etc, while she is not compliant. That attention she gets while being non-compliant is rewarding her behavior.

The more important part is that you must reward all compliant behavior with lots of praise and rewards. But you must set her up for success first. I used poker chips as a reward at that age. If she brushes her teeth without an issue, she gets tons of praise and a chip. Ten chips might buy a movie night or something she enjoys. If 5 minutes later, she does not get dressed, you must find a way not to engage and ignore it. Tell her calmly that she can't get a chip for getting dressed but there will be more opportunities to earn chips later, then disengage. I know that it is hard, but it usually works after a few weeks of consistency.

So this makes sense but should i start this reward behavior- I’m trying to read parenting books that says kids should be intrinsically motivated and if I start with reward charts or rewards after a certain behavior then they are not essentially learning anything. I’m not questioning anyone’s parenting strategy but just talking out loud to see what the opinion is?

I agree with that. I refuse to do reward except praise, extra 1:1. I don't reward with money, food, stickers etc. DD's school does use token economy like PP above mentions. That's fine with me if they want to. It seems to work. Above PP is right, don't engage with non-compliant behavior. I tell her what needs to be done, break eye contact and walk away. If she repeatedly asks for something I say "You asked and I answered." (Ask and Answer technique) I used to try to empathize and say I was there for her etc but it didn't work. I do make sure to praise for any pro-social behavior.