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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You need to withdraw.  I agree the problem is you.  Tell her the behavior is terrible and you nor anyone else should witness it.  Then leave the room.  If she doesn't do her chores implement consequences, i.e., take screen time or whatever she values away.  If she throws a temper tantrum, leave.  WHEN she follows you (and she will), leave again or tell her to go to her room until she can control herself.  Do this quietly without shouting or anger. [b] Ignore all bad behavior and make a big deal about the good behavior.  Literally she's doing this because she's rewarded with your attention. [/b] Reprogram her by paying attention to only the positive things she does.[/quote]

Yeah, it's likely this. The same way parents often misunderstand "being consistent" to mean they must act like heartless, brainless automatons, parents also misunderstand what it means to validate emotions and nurture a child. OP, it sounds like you are trying to use words to convince your daughter to do things and to talk her out of her emotions, and instead what is happening is that she keeps the conflict going as long as possible because she gets a constant stream of attention for it while also not having to do the desired thing. Instead, try reasonable, intelligently consistent routines and boundaries and make sure she gets more attention when she is doing what is expected than when she is not. And by "intelligently consistent" I mean you have empathy and make shifts in expectations depending on the specific circumstances. You can explain those to her without going over the top.

Also, sometimes she will express sadness or anger. That is ok. Do not keep talking to her to "help her through it" or "validate her" because all you are doing is giving her attention for upset emotion, which in turn means she is less likely to cope with it and move on.

Also helpful might be the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. I think it's actually a terrible title because mainly it's a book to help parents with (mostly) neurotypical kids manage their own thoughts, feelings, and behavior when interacting with their kids. It may provide a useful reframe for how to approach things.[/quote]

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