25 y/o DS is stubbornly living an extremely unhealthy lifestlye.

[Anonymous]

Our son lives about two hours away, and whenever we come to visit him in his apartment, I feel like fainting. His place is a total clutter. I swear, he still has junk from March lying about. It's obvious he doesn't clean anything aside from his clothes, because there's debris everywhere we look and I know he's breathing in all sorts of unhealthy stuff.

We're also worried about his diet. There's nothing remotely healthy in his cupboards or his fridge. Just cheetos, popcorn, oreos, donuts, ice cream, sodas, etc; no meat, vegetables, or fruits of any kind. He has, unsurprisingly, been getting heavier with each visit.

The worst part is that he refuses to change. He always threatens to order us out of his apartment if we show the slightest sign of wanting to clean the place. One time, we brought him a bag of spinach, begged him to eat it(to which he said would consider it,) and on the next visit, that bag of spinach was still rotting in his fridge, unopened. He never wants to eat out with us either.

We've gone as far as to offer to send him a weekly allowance to pay for someone to clean his apartment and so he can buy healthy foods, which of course he has refused. I know it's none of our business how he lives his life, but he's our only child, and I just know he's stuffing his face with sugar and carbs as I type.

[Anonymous]

Nothing you can do.

If you keep fussing, you will give him a reason to stick to his habits to spite you.

[Anonymous]

Does he seem depressed? Have there been any negative events in his life recently? Maybe suggest a therapist, and help pay for it?

[Anonymous]

When my husband was that age, his apartment got so gross and his roommate's girlfriend and I started refusing to go over there. It was just too gross. I shudder to think about it now.

But fast forward 20 years and he's a highly successful man with an MBA making close to a million dollars a year (not that money = success, but clearly most people would look at him and be impressed). He figured it out.

Natural consequences will come into play. Your son will get his act together in order to have other things he wants in life, or he won't. But nothing you can do at this point will save him . . . in fact, it may have been this saving instinct that made him ill prepared to adult at this stage of life. In any event, it's time to let him find his own way.

[Anonymous]

Is he going to work/school and meeting his other obligations?

My DH lived like this in law school and when he was clerking. We had a long distance relationship and the dirty dishes that were there when I left were still there when I arrived a few weeks later. He cooked everything on a George Forman grill that was never clean.

He is a big law partner today and is capable of full adulting, although he is still terrible about leaving dirty dishes around. He downs green juice every morning as long as I make it for him.


This is kind of how many 20-something single guys live. If he is otherwise handling his own stuff, leave this be.

[Anonymous]

He’ll get a girlfriend and have to change. Don’t stress too much. Most early to mid twenty somethings live unhealthy lifestyles in some way.

[Anonymous]

MYOB. He'll grow up on his own time, or not. You've done all you can.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, his body can handle the sugar and carbs. At some point, he will be forced to change. Either weight gain, appearance, a girlfriend, or even his pals will influence him to make the change. Honestly, if he is washing his clothes and maintaining hygiene, get his hair cut, etc, maintaining a job, it’s fine. If he was 40 and doing that I’d be more concerned simply bc his metabolism wouldn’t be able to handle it at that age. But at 25, he’s just burning calories.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think it’s mental illness. Sounds like the onset of hoarding

[Anonymous]

There is only few things people can do about it, (not counting people who need therapy for ADHD or depression) either learn to clean and cook or earn more so they can hire someone to do it for them. Men fan do one more, marry someone who can tolerate and manage them.

Parents get 18 years to try to teach them life skills but there are no guarantees and you can't do anything once they move out. Yes, they are your child and you love them but they are grown adults and you can't control their lives, for better or for worse. Every person has a right to live their life as they see fit.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, what's the point in having your own place if you still have to answer to your mother.

[Anonymous]

You are VERY lucky he still allows you to visit. In the future shut it. And fix your face. If you can’t be pleasant with a neutral expression then don’t visit.

[Anonymous]

DH - what’s the rest of his life like? Is he working productively? Does he have a social life? Has he had romantic interests?

I’m looking to distinguish between messy/gross and clinically depressed.

[Anonymous]

Did he clean his room and eat his vegetables when he lived under your roof? If yes, then he has the experience and will choose that path when HE wants it. If no, then why would you expect him to start now?

Please back off. He is an adult and can make his own choices. You do not get to tell another adult how to eat or maintain their home.

[Anonymous]

The bag of spinach was next level. Back the eff off.