25 y/o DS is stubbornly living an extremely unhealthy lifestlye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have and keep a job? Does he pay all of his bills?

Yes, so I really can't control what he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mother of two daughters, it’s kind of gross for posters to assume that a girlfriend is going to straighten him out somehow. Do better, parents of sons. How is this (not even minimal adulting) acceptable? There is no way my daughters are putting up with this in a partner.

Yes, Precisely! Haha. You are agreeing with what everyone is saying.

This is not particularly out of the ordinary for a young single 20-something guy. He’s capable of those things…they’re just not priorities to him currently. But he’ll eventually meet a girl he cares about and wants to impress, and that will be the impetus for him to start prioritizing these things. Not an uncommon story at all (as many people who have shared anecdotes about their own husbands can attest).

[Anonymous]

My 20yr old DS is living in a shared apartment. I visited once and the apartment was a mess. I did not ask his permission, I just cleaned up the entire apartment -sitting area, balcony, dining area, kitchen, bathroom and his bedroom. It took me around 4 hours.

Here is the thing, once I explained that they can entertain if their apartment is clean, and it is not impossible to clean an apartment even if it is a mess, they have kept it much cleaner than before.

Sometimes people don’t know how to clean and need to be shown how.

[Anonymous]

Seems depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son lives about two hours away, and whenever we come to visit him in his apartment, I feel like fainting. His place is a total clutter. I swear, he still has junk from March lying about. It's obvious he doesn't clean anything aside from his clothes, because there's debris everywhere we look and I know he's breathing in all sorts of unhealthy stuff.

We're also worried about his diet. There's nothing remotely healthy in his cupboards or his fridge. Just cheetos, popcorn, oreos, donuts, ice cream, sodas, etc; no meat, vegetables, or fruits of any kind. He has, unsurprisingly, been getting heavier with each visit.

The worst part is that he refuses to change. He always threatens to order us out of his apartment if we show the slightest sign of wanting to clean the place. One time, we brought him a bag of spinach, begged him to eat it(to which he said would consider it,) and on the next visit, that bag of spinach was still rotting in his fridge, unopened. He never wants to eat out with us either.

We've gone as far as to offer to send him a weekly allowance to pay for someone to clean his apartment and so he can buy healthy foods, which of course he has refused. I know it's none of our business how he lives his life, but he's our only child, and I just know he's stuffing his face with sugar and carbs as I type.

This. His choices are none of your business, and the consequences of his choices are also none of your business. If I were you, I would make it crystal clear to him that you will NOT bail him if he gets into trouble because he ignored your advice, unless his life depends on it. That's the most you can do.

[Anonymous]

If you want to have a good relationship with him, back off. I’m messy (woman with ADHD) and every interaction with my Mom was about cleaning or how fat I was. Dealing with her was exhausting and I emotionally distanced myself from her. And she would complain about why we weren’t closer.

All I wanted was for her to accept me exactly the way I am.

[Anonymous]

My DH was like this when we met and didn’t really improve so much as insert himself into my life and my roommates’ life. It wasn’t obvious to me at the time.

Fast forward to our married life and when we first had kids: diagnosed with ADHD and HFA. I think there is depression and anxiety in there, too, but who knows. Your son probably has something going on, especially because the food choices scream “dopamine-seeking”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are VERY lucky he still allows you to visit. In the future shut it. And fix your face. If you can’t be pleasant with a neutral expression then don’t visit.

This. Land the helicopter at long last or he’ll likely cut off contact with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are VERY lucky he still allows you to visit. In the future shut it. And fix your face. If you can’t be pleasant with a neutral expression then don’t visit.

This. Land the helicopter at long last or he’ll likely cut off contact with you

Unless his diet causes him to become too sick to work and take care of himself or he gets kicked out of his apartment because his clutter attracted pests. In that case, he'll probably contact his parents faster than they can blink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son lives about two hours away, and whenever we come to visit him in his apartment, I feel like fainting. His place is a total clutter. I swear, he still has junk from March lying about. It's obvious he doesn't clean anything aside from his clothes, because there's debris everywhere we look and I know he's breathing in all sorts of unhealthy stuff.

We're also worried about his diet. There's nothing remotely healthy in his cupboards or his fridge. Just cheetos, popcorn, oreos, donuts, ice cream, sodas, etc; no meat, vegetables, or fruits of any kind. He has, unsurprisingly, been getting heavier with each visit.

The worst part is that he refuses to change. He always threatens to order us out of his apartment if we show the slightest sign of wanting to clean the place. One time, we brought him a bag of spinach, begged him to eat it(to which he said would consider it,) and on the next visit, that bag of spinach was still rotting in his fridge, unopened. He never wants to eat out with us either.

We've gone as far as to offer to send him a weekly allowance to pay for someone to clean his apartment and so he can buy healthy foods, which of course he has refused. I know it's none of our business how he lives his life, but he's our only child, and I just know he's stuffing his face with sugar and carbs as I type.

He is stubborn because he is resisting you being overbearing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son lives about two hours away, and whenever we come to visit him in his apartment, I feel like fainting. His place is a total clutter. I swear, he still has junk from March lying about. It's obvious he doesn't clean anything aside from his clothes, because there's debris everywhere we look and I know he's breathing in all sorts of unhealthy stuff.

We're also worried about his diet. There's nothing remotely healthy in his cupboards or his fridge. Just cheetos, popcorn, oreos, donuts, ice cream, sodas, etc; no meat, vegetables, or fruits of any kind. He has, unsurprisingly, been getting heavier with each visit.

The worst part is that he refuses to change. He always threatens to order us out of his apartment if we show the slightest sign of wanting to clean the place. One time, we brought him a bag of spinach, begged him to eat it(to which he said would consider it,) and on the next visit, that bag of spinach was still rotting in his fridge, unopened. He never wants to eat out with us either.

We've gone as far as to offer to send him a weekly allowance to pay for someone to clean his apartment and so he can buy healthy foods, which of course he has refused. I know it's none of our business how he lives his life, but he's our only child, and I just know he's stuffing his face with sugar and carbs as I type.

It seems clear that he is trying to send you a message to let him make his own decisions and live his life the way that he wants. The more you advise, recommend, or push, the more he will push back. if you avoid becoming his foil, then he might modify his behavior over time (and with maturity).

[Anonymous]

This is a troll, right? No parent is actually this clueless, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bag of spinach was next level. Back the eff off.

+1. “And begged him to eat it?” Absolutely asinine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he going to work/school and meeting his other obligations?

My DH lived like this in law school and when he was clerking. We had a long distance relationship and the dirty dishes that were there when I left were still there when I arrived a few weeks later. He cooked everything on a George Forman grill that was never clean.

He is a big law partner today and is capable of full adulting, although he is still terrible about leaving dirty dishes around. He downs green juice every morning as long as I make it for him.


This is kind of how many 20-something single guys live. If he is otherwise handling his own stuff, leave this be.

? Your DH doesn't appear to have changed that much. I assume he's not 20 something anymore.

[Anonymous]

My DS is only 18.5, and we've taught him as much as we can about healthy eating, cleaning, and looking after himself. He's away at college, and I'm impressed with how clean his dorm is. He said for some reason, he's cleaner at his dorm than at home.

I have no idea how he will be when living off on his own after college, but we've done all we can to teach him about "adulting". The rest is up to him.

FWIW, I did nag him when he was younger about cleaning up after himself. I hope I don't nag him as an adult. I know I will have to bite my tongue.