Husband never shuts up

[Anonymous]

Kids are launched and we are empty nest grandparents. It’s a great phase of life except, my husband talks incessantly and it’s exhausting. I have tried to talk to him about it, and he accuses me of talking too much, which is the exact opposite of what’s going on. He does contracting work off and on but this year has not been busy. We went out to a fair yesterday, and he chewed peoples ears off! He doesn’t seem to understand when to stop talking or disengage. It’s making me crazy. He turns everything around on me, says mean things and feels bad. He absolutely can’t handle any bad feelings and regurgitate them back on me.
We have done cognitive behavioral therapy, and that has been very helpful but he now rejects it
I would love some peace and QUIET.

[Anonymous]

Was he like this before, but it was at work and you didn't notice?

I have a husband who goes through phases of being taciturn and chatty. He also has very little self-awareness and tends to get angry and mean when I point these things out. His father was diagnosed bipolar, and I've wondered whether he has a subclinical, super mild version of it.

Maybe in your husband's case it's dementia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he like this before, but it was at work and you didn't notice?

I have a husband who goes through phases of being taciturn and chatty. He also has very little self-awareness and tends to get angry and mean when I point these things out. His father was diagnosed bipolar, and I've wondered whether he has a subclinical, super mild version of it.

Maybe in your husband's case it's dementia?

OP here: Interesting. My husband protects himself from any feedback or criticism by throwing everything back on me. I pay a price if I attempt a constructive conversation with him. He gets angry and mean and storms out the door. Even while raising kids he did not engage in any of those many tough parenting moments. I guess he is the classic example of an adult child of alcoholic, and cannot handle anything that he sees as conflict. He gets very mean. This morning he got triggered and ended up out the door with his typical disgust and went to mass. Based on my experience, this is typical Catholic behavior.
My husband definitely does not have dementia and functions at a very high-level in his work life. I believe it is anxiety and it has always been there. But don’t we all have anxiety? He acts out and I need him to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he like this before, but it was at work and you didn't notice?

I have a husband who goes through phases of being taciturn and chatty. He also has very little self-awareness and tends to get angry and mean when I point these things out. His father was diagnosed bipolar, and I've wondered whether he has a subclinical, super mild version of it.

Maybe in your husband's case it's dementia?

OP here: Interesting. My husband protects himself from any feedback or criticism by throwing everything back on me. I pay a price if I attempt a constructive conversation with him. He gets angry and mean and storms out the door. Even while raising kids he did not engage in any of those many tough parenting moments. I guess he is the classic example of an adult child of alcoholic, and cannot handle anything that he sees as conflict. He gets very mean. This morning he got triggered and ended up out the door with his typical disgust and went to mass. Based on my experience, this is typical Catholic behavior.
My husband definitely does not have dementia and functions at a very high-level in his work life. I believe it is anxiety and it has always been there. But don’t we all have anxiety? He acts out and I need him to stop.

PP you replied to. Yes, I entirely understand. I did finally realize that my husband cannot communicate in an appropriate way when he feels overwhelmed and, as you said, throws up his hands when it comes to difficult socio-communicative moments. I suspect he has high-functioning autism, as our son is diagnosed. But between his father's bipolar, and his son's HFA... I don't know. He has something but I don't know what! Of course this is moot anyway, since he would never agree to a consultation or treatment.

I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

This is tough, OP. Consider getting therapy for yourself to get perspective and some coping tools/strategies. If you're in a public space, consider walking away (on to the next exhibit, interesting thing to look at, booth, store, etc.). You don't have to stand right next to him, just quietly tell him you'll see him <next place>.

You can also check al-anon or psych literature about adult children of alcoholics for some insight.

And finally, do you have your own space and activities so that you're not with him 24x7?

[Anonymous]

Be together less. A lot less. Establish 1/2 of the day when you're not home. Don't announce it, just do it. Make it a pattern, a predictable pattern. All behavior is much more tolerable, with a lot less of it. You don't want to be one of those old couples arguing at the mall.

If that's not enough, in the evenings have earbuds in, listening to a podcast or audio book. Or regular earplugs if you're reading an ordinary book. Something. Sit next to him, hold his hand and be present. You don't have to always make yourself available to hear. He will seek others to chatter with. Btw, what he says and how much he says to others is not a behavior for you to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he like this before, but it was at work and you didn't notice?

I have a husband who goes through phases of being taciturn and chatty. He also has very little self-awareness and tends to get angry and mean when I point these things out. His father was diagnosed bipolar, and I've wondered whether he has a subclinical, super mild version of it.

Maybe in your husband's case it's dementia?

OP here: Interesting. My husband protects himself from any feedback or criticism by throwing everything back on me. I pay a price if I attempt a constructive conversation with him. He gets angry and mean and storms out the door. Even while raising kids he did not engage in any of those many tough parenting moments. I guess he is the classic example of an adult child of alcoholic, and cannot handle anything that he sees as conflict. He gets very mean. This morning he got triggered and ended up out the door with his typical disgust and went to mass. Based on my experience, this is typical Catholic behavior.
My husband definitely does not have dementia and functions at a very high-level in his work life. I believe it is anxiety and it has always been there. But don’t we all have anxiety? He acts out and I need him to stop.

DP. Mine is not the adult child of alcoholics, but the not handling any conflict and not brooking any criticism rings extremely true. And Catholic to boot. He's exhausting and in hindsight I wish I would have left him a very long time ago.

I don't think my husband knows how much I am really just tolerating him. He wants to retire somewhere that I don't want to live. I'm hoping we downsize to two different places and live separate for a good deal of time. We do all right in small spurts. I don't have the energy to get him to want to make a change anymore. I don't want to divorce, however.

[Anonymous]

Gently, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

You say the issue is his incessant talking, but to me, it's:

"He turns everything around on me, says mean things and feels bad."

and "He gets very mean. This morning he got triggered and ended up out the door with his typical disgust "

[Anonymous]

He may have non verbal learning disability and dominates the conversation because he picks up no social cues and a little social anxiety preventing him from listening to anyone because he's just concerned with what he's going to say next. It's exhausting, I know! Coaching helps a bit, but it sounds like he's defensive and that's not going to help.

Watch The Derry Girls. He will hopefully see himself in Uncle Colm.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that he has developed adult ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be together less. A lot less. Establish 1/2 of the day when you're not home. Don't announce it, just do it. Make it a pattern, a predictable pattern. All behavior is much more tolerable, with a lot less of it. You don't want to be one of those old couples arguing at the mall.

If that's not enough, in the evenings have earbuds in, listening to a podcast or audio book. Or regular earplugs if you're reading an ordinary book. Something. Sit next to him, hold his hand and be present. You don't have to always make yourself available to hear. He will seek others to chatter with. Btw, what he says and how much he says to others is not a behavior for you to manage.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Can’t you find an activity that gives you respite? Taking walks, playing pickle ball? A book club?

If you Dob’t enjoy his company, Just spend time apart. You have that power. (It may even provide feedback to him that is useful)

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing wrong with him, you just don’t like it. This is something that’s totally under your control.

[Anonymous]

My husband was a contractor used to dealing with people. He talks a lot too. The other day someone came to politic and he was in his glory. I laughed. Poor thing. Better them than me.
He's been retired for 3 years now. Imagine my life. LOL. I told him he needed a hobby so he decided he was going to make liquor. OH MY. He tells me EVERY STEP AND WHY. So one day I decided to record myself explaining my hobby to him. It took me a while to record enough then the day arrived and I pressed play. He saves his voice for his brother now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing wrong with him, you just don’t like it. This is something that’s totally under your control.

He gets angry and mean and storms out the door. There is plenty wrong with him.