Are you the only separated or divorced parent in your circle?

[Anonymous]

This is tough. I need to at least separate from my DH. He looks so hard-working and thoughtful from the outside. Our life at home is a hidden hellscape and I don’t know if anyone can see it.

I work at my DD’s school and it is a large but tight-knit community. There are a few divorced parents at the school, but not many.

In her grade there are 40 kids, with:

-3 widowed moms (unusual, I know)
-zero separated or divorced parents

It is crazy to me that I would put her in the position of being the only kid in her situation in her grade, and as an employee at her school, I realize it would be hard for this to go unnoticed. I feel sick to my stomach having to walk into that community with scrutinizing eyes on me and my DD. My parents had a marriage that dissolved pretty obviously when I was in 5th grade and I’ll never forget the faux-solicitous comments from parents who I now realize were just digging for gossip.

I can’t switch jobs immediately because I’m under a contract and would not want DD to change schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tough. I need to at least separate from my DH. He looks so hard-working and thoughtful from the outside. Our life at home is a hidden hellscape and I don’t know if anyone can see it.

I work at my DD’s school and it is a large but tight-knit community. There are a few divorced parents at the school, but not many.

In her grade there are 40 kids, with:

-3 widowed moms (unusual, I know)
-zero separated or divorced parents

It is crazy to me that I would put her in the position of being the only kid in her situation in her grade, and as an employee at her school, I realize it would be hard for this to go unnoticed. I feel sick to my stomach having to walk into that community with scrutinizing eyes on me and my DD. My parents had a marriage that dissolved pretty obviously when I was in 5th grade and I’ll never forget the faux-solicitous comments from parents who I now realize were just digging for gossip.

I can’t switch jobs immediately because I’m under a contract and would not want DD to change schools.

Wow. Kids do not care.

[Anonymous]

My parents were divorced and I think people just do not care as much now? As long as your kid behaves well you are fine.

[Anonymous]

Is you are ashamed, you will weigh your daughter down with your shame.

Work on your shame to release it - seek support, be gentle with yourself.

Divorced mom here - one of just a few in my community. And I am thriving and able to be here for my kids in a way I wasn't when truly suffering in marriage. xoxo

[Anonymous]

I don't know what old school Southern town you live in that's stuck in the 1950's, but it's 2023 and nobody cares anymore. My "circle" was multiple circles and always has been so with tons of different people from different walks of life, it wasn't a big deal. But I also live in NYC, where being divorced, or on a second marriage is not considered weird.

If you need to separate or divorce, consider the environment your kids will live in once you do it. Will that be a better one than it is now on a day to day basis? If so, do it.

[Anonymous]

if your home life is a hellscape, that means it's a hellscape for your daughter too. You are raising her to keep family secrets in closets. incredibly unhealthy for everyone. you'd be a good mother by divorcing, compared to to now

[Anonymous]

Echo others comments about stay/go.

As for your original question, yes. Surprisingly. I am newly divorced and relocated to an affluent suburb. Part of the reason I chose the area was because it is a very progressive area with great diversity, but I have realized that that diversity does not extend to the makeup of different types of families. My Kindergarten student is the only one in a class of 20 students with a single parent. Same goes for her classmates at ballet and karate.

[Anonymous]

Stop worrying about what other people think or might think and do what you need to do to preserve your sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Echo others comments about stay/go.

As for your original question, yes. Surprisingly. I am newly divorced and relocated to an affluent suburb. Part of the reason I chose the area was because it is a very progressive area with great diversity, but I have realized that that diversity does not extend to the makeup of different types of families. My Kindergarten student is the only one in a class of 20 students with a single parent. Same goes for her classmates at ballet and karate.

Thank you for answering here. My area is also very progressive and diverse but lacks diversity in types of families- I didn’t realize it until I was considering stepping into this decision. There is a big focus on couples and heteronormative adult roles that we’ve already been a bit on the outside of because DH refuses to socialize and has been a loner since we had our child. It is frightening to imagine being further on the outside of the community, but my finances and lack of support structure will not make a move a good choice right now. My Dd is already the sole only child in her class so I’m really conscious of the fact that she has no peer support at home and already feels different at school.

Do you know about the families from karate or ballet because your DD noticed or something else?

[Anonymous]

Your daughter will follow your lead. If you make it weird, she will feel weird. If you make it into a positive, she will see it so. The other families DO. Not. Care.

[Anonymous]

In elementary school it was noticeable because there were so many family events with the school, and there were relatively few divorced or separated parents. In middle school, it was much less of an issue as there were more divorced parents and fewer things like back to school picnics. By high school, total non-issue as truly no one cares and at least 1/3 of the families are in nontraditional arrangements of one kind or another.

[Anonymous]

You are overthinking this. I have elementary kids and we’re divorced and nobody cares. No one in our zip code is divorced. Less than one percent. I don’t know anybody except us and it’s not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

curious why you make a distinction between separated and divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Echo others comments about stay/go.

As for your original question, yes. Surprisingly. I am newly divorced and relocated to an affluent suburb. Part of the reason I chose the area was because it is a very progressive area with great diversity, but I have realized that that diversity does not extend to the makeup of different types of families. My Kindergarten student is the only one in a class of 20 students with a single parent. Same goes for her classmates at ballet and karate.

Thank you for answering here. My area is also very progressive and diverse but lacks diversity in types of families- I didn’t realize it until I was considering stepping into this decision. There is a big focus on couples and heteronormative adult roles that we’ve already been a bit on the outside of because DH refuses to socialize and has been a loner since we had our child. It is frightening to imagine being further on the outside of the community, but my finances and lack of support structure will not make a move a good choice right now. My Dd is already the sole only child in her class so I’m really conscious of the fact that she has no peer support at home and already feels different at school.

Do you know about the families from karate or ballet because your DD noticed or something else?

I really don’t think people are paying that much attention. My daughter’s best friend of 6 plus years have parents that were never married or together for particularly long (from what I can tell). Her other friend since preschool apparently has parents that divorced. I don’t even know what year they divorced. My daughter just randomly mentioned “Larla will be at her dad’s house” earlier this school year. Our neighbor down the street divorced and no one cares.

And generally, we are in a place where everyone is heterosexual and married. These three instances are outliers, but you get more and more of them. These kids are in middle school now. I would say maybe you will be the “first”, but you won’t be the last.

Now, are logistics a pain as a single mom. Yes, I’m sure they are. Logistics are already a pain for us with two working parents. School, church, etc still think that there is a freaking stay at home mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:curious why you make a distinction between separated and divorced?

Probably because the only person I know in our neighborhood who is not married is always saying that they’re separated, not divorced, and there aren’t any divorced families in our neighborhood so it felt relevant.