My husband is cheating

[Anonymous]

My husband is having an affair and doesn't come home sometimes. For a variety of reasons I cannot leave right now and have no where else I can stay with the kids. How do I get through this while living with him?

[Anonymous]

Get tested for STDs.

[Anonymous]

Consult a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Google the 180 method and do it for yourself, not to get him back. Detach from him emotionally and treat this relationship like it’s a business deal in your mind, but keep playing the dumb wife.

Consult a lawyer and get your ducks in a row
Don’t share your plan with anyone who might out you
Get therapy

Is he aware that you know about the affair?

[Anonymous]

Find yourself an AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Google the 180 method and do it for yourself, not to get him back. Detach from him emotionally and treat this relationship like it’s a business deal in your mind, but keep playing the dumb wife.

Consult a lawyer and get your ducks in a row
Don’t share your plan with anyone who might out you
Get therapy

Is he aware that you know about the affair?

Good advice. The 180 is for you not him. The dumb wife is to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Are you the poster who couldn’t find her husband a few mornings ago??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Google the 180 method and do it for yourself, not to get him back. Detach from him emotionally and treat this relationship like it’s a business deal in your mind, but keep playing the dumb wife.

Consult a lawyer and get your ducks in a row
Don’t share your plan with anyone who might out you
Get therapy

Is he aware that you know about the affair?

What specifically? This phrase is used a lot.

[Anonymous]

Does he know you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Google the 180 method and do it for yourself, not to get him back. Detach from him emotionally and treat this relationship like it’s a business deal in your mind, but keep playing the dumb wife.

Consult a lawyer and get your ducks in a row
Don’t share your plan with anyone who might out you
Get therapy

Is he aware that you know about the affair?

What specifically? This phrase is used a lot.

It means get yourself to the position where you can leave if you want. Get a better job. Figure out the family finances. Get documentation. Figure out where/how you would live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the poster who couldn’t find her husband a few mornings ago??

Doubtful. That other OP's apparently very reliable husband was completely out of character when he didnt' return home from one work event; that OP was worried sick about her DH being hurt or missing.

This OP refers to a husband who "doesn't come home sometimes," which indicates something that's been going on for a while, and multiple occasions of his not returning home. And this OP doesn't refer at all to worry about her DH's whereabouts, but to wanting to get out herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get tested for STDs.

+1

This step needs to come first so you can move forward at least knowing if you need medical treatment or not. And OP, stop having sex with him if you and he still have sex. You know he's getting it elsewhere and he does not deserve to have sex with you too. You plan to get out anyway, so focus your energy on getting out rather than fixing things with sex (if that's something you've thought of, or he's told you would work).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get tested for STDs.

+1

This step needs to come first so you can move forward at least knowing if you need medical treatment or not. And OP, stop having sex with him if you and he still have sex. You know he's getting it elsewhere and he does not deserve to have sex with you too. You plan to get out anyway, so focus your energy on getting out rather than fixing things with sex (if that's something you've thought of, or he's told you would work).

I also learned it can take 6 months for STDs to show up. So you have to get retested as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Google the 180 method and do it for yourself, not to get him back. Detach from him emotionally and treat this relationship like it’s a business deal in your mind, but keep playing the dumb wife.

Consult a lawyer and get your ducks in a row
Don’t share your plan with anyone who might out you
Get therapy

Is he aware that you know about the affair?

What specifically? This phrase is used a lot.

For me it was:
-Consulting several lawyers to learn my rights and how a divorce would likely play out
-Joining a support group from a local nonprofit for women contemplating divorce
-Individual therapy
-Taking and hiding the kids' passports (his AP was in a another country and who knows what liars and cheaters will do)
-Opening a credit card and bank account in just my name
-Getting cash back at grocery stores and other places
-Telling two very close people what was going on for my own support and sanity (this was invaluable!)
-Getting wheels in motion to start my own business
-Screen shots and photo copies of all important finances- house appraisal, property taxes, bank accounts, investments, retirement accounts, 529s, mortgage balance, car payment balance, tax returns etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get tested for STDs.

+1

This step needs to come first so you can move forward at least knowing if you need medical treatment or not. And OP, stop having sex with him if you and he still have sex. You know he's getting it elsewhere and he does not deserve to have sex with you too. You plan to get out anyway, so focus your energy on getting out rather than fixing things with sex (if that's something you've thought of, or he's told you would work).

I also learned it can take 6 months for STDs to show up. So you have to get retested as well.

Thank you for adding that. I"m the person you're responding to and I should have added, yes, test but then also schedule the retest. STD testing doesn't get talked about enough on these unfortunate cheating threads on DCUM. It's the first stop to make because the cheated-on spouse needs to stay healthy for their own sake and for the sake of any kids involved. But that can get lost in the understandable mind-bending anger and sorrow.