In your adult kids’ lives, are you the cool in laws, the lame in laws, … and

[Anonymous]

How do you know? My DC isn’t married yet, but both seem to prefer hanging out with us and talking to us more than the other set of parents. I like having a positive relationship with my DC and their SO.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents and my spouses parents are the lame in-laws. We enjoy our visits as much as we can but have very little in common with either. We are both family oriented people, so they don't need to be cool.

[Anonymous]

Does it have to be one or the other? Why put yourselves against each other?
I really like DC’s SO’s parents. Obviously our families are different, but I hope they can enjoy the positive aspects of our family when they are here & vice versa.
Don’t make this into a thing. I know families who try to compete, track time, take over, etc - it ultimately ends in resentment & retreat.
Enjoy the time you spend together, without an eye towards “beating” the other side.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're already trying to compete with the other parents to be the preferred in-laws. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents and my spouses parents are the lame in-laws. We enjoy our visits as much as we can but have very little in common with either. We are both family oriented people, so they don't need to be cool.

Was just going to say this. Neither set of parents is cool and we don't prefer time with one over the other, nor do our kids. We largely spend time with them for the benefit of their relationship with our kids, primarily.

[Anonymous]

My parents are the cool grandparents. But they aren’t so crass. They realized early on how lovely and healthy it was that our kids had two sets of living, active, married grandparents. It’s rare but they realized the more people in their grandkids lives the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does it have to be one or the other? Why put yourselves against each other?
I really like DC’s SO’s parents. Obviously our families are different, but I hope they can enjoy the positive aspects of our family when they are here & vice versa.
Don’t make this into a thing. I know families who try to compete, track time, take over, etc - it ultimately ends in resentment & retreat.
Enjoy the time you spend together, without an eye towards “beating” the other side.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents and my spouses parents are the lame in-laws. We enjoy our visits as much as we can but have very little in common with either. We are both family oriented people, so they don't need to be cool.

Was just going to say this. Neither set of parents is cool and we don't prefer time with one over the other, nor do our kids. We largely spend time with them for the benefit of their relationship with our kids, primarily.

This makes me sad. Did you both have bad relationships with your parents growing up? Or, did this start in adulthood and your indifference to them grew over time? How old are you (and they) now? I’m not being critical at all, just trying to understand how things get to this point between adult kids and their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does it have to be one or the other? Why put yourselves against each other?
I really like DC’s SO’s parents. Obviously our families are different, but I hope they can enjoy the positive aspects of our family when they are here & vice versa.
Don’t make this into a thing. I know families who try to compete, track time, take over, etc - it ultimately ends in resentment & retreat.
Enjoy the time you spend together, without an eye towards “beating” the other side.

TY!

FWIW, my parents might've been seen by some as the lame ILs. They didn't have a ton of money and lacked confidence - my ILs are the exact opposite. But they were kind, caring people and part of the reason I married my husband is that he liked them for who they were and that they were my parents.

[Anonymous]

Won’t be able to tell until they get SOs.

[Anonymous]

We're the ignored in laws. DIL rules the roost and it's alway, all the time, all about her parents. We only get called when they need emergency babysitting. We do make an effort to meet them where there at - at times/locations that work for them and always ask before meeting (ie no pop ins). We've also offered to take a kid out to give them a break, but "oh they just aren't good being away from us" yet the inlaws run them around. I blame DS for this as he allows it.

As to the other inlaws, I've reached out, had them over several times for dinners/events and nothing in return. So I'm done trying to reach out to them.

We will keep reaching out to see the grandkids, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Already with the comparing of the amount of time spent and the kids aren't even married yet. I'm glad you're winning, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, just wait until until your son gets married and they have kids. You may still be the cool in laws, but you’ll still play second fiddle to your DIL’s parents. That’s how it works in the overwhelming majority of cases. So get ready to lose.

[Anonymous]

I have my parents, my in-laws, and my auntie/uncle.
The auntie/uncle are by far the "cool" ones, maybe my parents come next and my inlaws come last. They are also the oldest, least mobile and worst cooks soo theres that. I dont think it has anything to do with being my parents vs his parents, its just their personalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know? My DC isn’t married yet, but both seem to prefer hanging out with us and talking to us more than the other set of parents. I like having a positive relationship with my DC and their SO.

Ours like both set of parents.