In your adult kids’ lives, are you the cool in laws, the lame in laws, … and

[Anonymous]

Here's how you tell: where do they spend the most holidays? Do they ever vacation with you or near you?

That's what I've always used as a reference. I can think of several family and friend examples where this is true.

We see my ILs once a year because that's the polite thing to do. We choose to hang out with my parents several times a year because they are fun and enjoyable company. We've vacationed with my parents several times and always have a blast. My spouse texts with my mom pretty frequently.

[Anonymous]

I hope that each set of grandparent is as different as possible than the other - language, race, religion, hobbies, life journey, culture.

I hope they all are educated, broadminded, willing to learn, and they all are functional and loving people. I don't care about cool. I care about decent and loving people.

The more adults in my grandkid's life the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's how you tell: where do they spend the most holidays? Do they ever vacation with you or near you?

That's what I've always used as a reference. I can think of several family and friend examples where this is true.

We see my ILs once a year because that's the polite thing to do. We choose to hang out with my parents several times a year because they are fun and enjoyable company. We've vacationed with my parents several times and always have a blast. My spouse texts with my mom pretty frequently.

You left out that you wear the pants in your family and that you iced out your in laws, which is pretty mean.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents and my in laws are lame. Lol. In different ways!

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if we are cool in-laws but we are younger and more active than the other IL’s plus we live closer to them than most of the other IL’s. We have a nice winter home in FL and that’s a real draw and my husband lives in the pool with the kids. We have a great relationship with our kids spouses and we don’t offer child rearing advice unless we are asked.

[Anonymous]

I love my parents but my IL’s are the cool ones. They will take all three of my kids for overnights, they will often babysit and they are a ton of fun. They are also incredibly generous and expect nothing in return. My FIL is very involved with a charity in South America and when I took an interest in it he invited me on his next trip and I had a wonderful time and gained even more appreciation for him even after roughing it in a tent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're the ignored in laws. DIL rules the roost and it's alway, all the time, all about her parents. We only get called when they need emergency babysitting. We do make an effort to meet them where there at - at times/locations that work for them and always ask before meeting (ie no pop ins). We've also offered to take a kid out to give them a break, but "oh they just aren't good being away from us" yet the inlaws run them around. I blame DS for this as he allows it.

As to the other inlaws, I've reached out, had them over several times for dinners/events and nothing in return. So I'm done trying to reach out to them.

We will keep reaching out to see the grandkids, but it is what it is.

You “blame DS” and yet she gets a paragraph of complaint and he gets only one short sentence? OK. That’s the son you raised, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's how you tell: where do they spend the most holidays? Do they ever vacation with you or near you?

That's what I've always used as a reference. I can think of several family and friend examples where this is true.

We see my ILs once a year because that's the polite thing to do. We choose to hang out with my parents several times a year because they are fun and enjoyable company. We've vacationed with my parents several times and always have a blast. My spouse texts with my mom pretty frequently.

You left out that you wear the pants in your family and that you iced out your in laws, which is pretty mean.

WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're the ignored in laws. DIL rules the roost and it's alway, all the time, all about her parents. We only get called when they need emergency babysitting. We do make an effort to meet them where there at - at times/locations that work for them and always ask before meeting (ie no pop ins). We've also offered to take a kid out to give them a break, but "oh they just aren't good being away from us" yet the inlaws run them around. I blame DS for this as he allows it.

As to the other inlaws, I've reached out, had them over several times for dinners/events and nothing in return. So I'm done trying to reach out to them.

We will keep reaching out to see the grandkids, but it is what it is.

“Allows it”? He’s an adult. If he actually wanted to spend more time with you, he would.

Stop blaming your DIL for your crappy relationship with your own son.

[Anonymous]

Please don't make it a competition. My mom is competitive with my MIL and it makes everything so much harder. Make it easy for them to see you, including see you and the other ILs at the same time instead of having to choose.

That said, the relatives who live nearby and help out are the ones who see my family more, regardless of who is cool or fun.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be the lame one. I'd love to be friends with DIL parents and watch the kids when I can. The rest of the time I'd like to have me time.
I spend summers at both sets of grandparents and it was lovely. My parents were too busy working to be spend time with either set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're the ignored in laws. DIL rules the roost and it's alway, all the time, all about her parents. We only get called when they need emergency babysitting. We do make an effort to meet them where there at - at times/locations that work for them and always ask before meeting (ie no pop ins). We've also offered to take a kid out to give them a break, but "oh they just aren't good being away from us" yet the inlaws run them around. I blame DS for this as he allows it.

As to the other inlaws, I've reached out, had them over several times for dinners/events and nothing in return. So I'm done trying to reach out to them.

We will keep reaching out to see the grandkids, but it is what it is.

You “blame DS” and yet she gets a paragraph of complaint and he gets only one short sentence? OK. That’s the son you raised, by the way.

I’m an NP, but this very much sounds like my BIL and the whole family is really sad about it. He married someone who has essentially cut him off from his family of origin. She is awful in many ways and also he is complicit in basically going dark on his family with whom he had a really loving relationship prior to meeting her. Both things can be true, and can have a really hurtful impact on everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know? My DC isn’t married yet, but both seem to prefer hanging out with us and talking to us more than the other set of parents. I like having a positive relationship with my DC and their SO.

You can have a positive relationship and not " be cool"

[Anonymous]

My kids aren’t there yet, but the first time DD had a significant other who spent any meaningful time with us I realized it was a good chance to “practice” for the future and how to be the sort of household that a young couple would enjoy spending time in. Because obviously it will always be a choice. I’m not sure I aspire to be “the cool ILs” but certainly hope to be a place that my adult kids and their partners choose to come because it makes them happy not out of some sense of obligation

[Anonymous]

We have a Disneyland dad/divorced single mom dynamic. My parents live on the west coast and are younger and still working. They’re totally fun, interesting, exciting. DH’s parents are local and fully retired. They babysit tons, are super helpful, but also up in our business all the time in annoying ways.