Husband turning into a micromanager

[Anonymous]

Over the past year or two my husband has been ramping up micromanaging. Not major decisions— he seems to like to leave those to help (I guess so if things go bad it all my fault)- but smaller stuff like how I clean— “don’t use this, use that” to wipe the table. Or I should just vacuum that area with a Dustbuster, not dustpan. Or what to give the kids for snack. I bought them granola bars and he says just give them an apple but he of course, has bought them snacks. Another example—I told the kids to move a puzzle they were working on and while doing so, it slipped off the board. My husband declared afterward I should have just carried it for them (um, he’s the first one to tell them to clean up their messes).

I have plenty more examples of this sort of stuff that’s just downright irritating. Lots of this seems small but it’s built up over time. I’ve told him to go and do yourself, snd in response, he gets snide. Long term, this isn’t going to last and I can see stuff like this leading towards separation. It’s such an unpleasant way to live, all of the unpredictable criticisms.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to be in charge of micromanaging little kids and then turn it off.

All the things that make me a really good mom to my toddler don't translate into adult partnerships. It can be hard.

For me, the number one thing I need to stop doing this is time to myself. It's hard to get but it works better than anything. Your spouse may have something like that (maybe for them it's exercise or sleep) that they're not getting enough of and this is a symptom. It's not an excuse, obviously, it's still not okay to micromanage your partner. It's just useful for you both to know in terms of addressing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past year or two my husband has been ramping up micromanaging. Not major decisions— he seems to like to leave those to help (I guess so if things go bad it all my fault)- but smaller stuff like how I clean— “don’t use this, use that” to wipe the table. Or I should just vacuum that area with a Dustbuster, not dustpan. Or what to give the kids for snack. I bought them granola bars and he says just give them an apple but he of course, has bought them snacks. Another example—I told the kids to move a puzzle they were working on and while doing so, it slipped off the board. My husband declared afterward I should have just carried it for them (um, he’s the first one to tell them to clean up their messes).

I have plenty more examples of this sort of stuff that’s just downright irritating. Lots of this seems small but it’s built up over time. I’ve told him to go and do yourself, snd in response, he gets snide. Long term, this isn’t going to last and I can see stuff like this leading towards separation. It’s such an unpleasant way to live, all of the unpredictable criticisms.

Maybe stop feeding your kids processed junk food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past year or two my husband has been ramping up micromanaging. Not major decisions— he seems to like to leave those to help (I guess so if things go bad it all my fault)- but smaller stuff like how I clean— “don’t use this, use that” to wipe the table. Or I should just vacuum that area with a Dustbuster, not dustpan. Or what to give the kids for snack. I bought them granola bars and he says just give them an apple but he of course, has bought them snacks. Another example—I told the kids to move a puzzle they were working on and while doing so, it slipped off the board. My husband declared afterward I should have just carried it for them (um, he’s the first one to tell them to clean up their messes).

I have plenty more examples of this sort of stuff that’s just downright irritating. Lots of this seems small but it’s built up over time. I’ve told him to go and do yourself, snd in response, he gets snide. Long term, this isn’t going to last and I can see stuff like this leading towards separation. It’s such an unpleasant way to live, all of the unpredictable criticisms.

Maybe stop feeding your kids processed junk food.

Thanks

[Anonymous]

Did he recently retire / change roles / anything going on at work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past year or two my husband has been ramping up micromanaging. Not major decisions— he seems to like to leave those to help (I guess so if things go bad it all my fault)- but smaller stuff like how I clean— “don’t use this, use that” to wipe the table. Or I should just vacuum that area with a Dustbuster, not dustpan. Or what to give the kids for snack. I bought them granola bars and he says just give them an apple but he of course, has bought them snacks. Another example—I told the kids to move a puzzle they were working on and while doing so, it slipped off the board. My husband declared afterward I should have just carried it for them (um, he’s the first one to tell them to clean up their messes).

I have plenty more examples of this sort of stuff that’s just downright irritating. Lots of this seems small but it’s built up over time. I’ve told him to go and do yourself, snd in response, he gets snide. Long term, this isn’t going to last and I can see stuff like this leading towards separation. It’s such an unpleasant way to live, all of the unpredictable criticisms.

If he's criticizing how your are doing something like vacuuming, wiping the table, etc., stop immediately and hand him the vacuum or towel. Don't say a word, just stop.

Kid's snacks - "You're perfectly free to go to the grocery store and choose something else" and then move on. The puzzle thing - ask him with a straight face if he's invented a time machine? When he says, what or no, tell him that his narration is not helpful and can he cut it out please.

You should also have a conversation about him being nitpicky and see what he says.

[Anonymous]

Ha! My spouse would probably say the same about me.

Truth is, if I didn’t, nothing would get done correctly.

[Anonymous]

My DH is already a micromanager and we are in marital therapy for it. Put the knives in the drawer pointing down, crush the garlic to peel it, remember to pick the vegetables in the garden more often, etc. But it is not just small things, it’s everything. What it has led to is me being very distanced because when we are together, it feels like just a matter of time before I get some type of instruction/criticism. And I read Gotteman about the difference between a criticism and a complaint, and i will tell you that after a while, I am touchy even about complaints. There is no threshold for bringing things up and I get resentful because I don’t do the same to him. It could be that we share many household tasks. I am the primary wage earner so we tend to split the household chores. It feels like walking around your house and then getting hit with a tennis ball. Doesn’t hurt much but it is unpleasant and leads to a low level anxiety when I am around him.

There is a balance where he needs to actually reduce his criticisms and then in turn, I need to not take them personally. But I would say they don’t get better, they get worse so see if you can turn the tide. BTW - one marital therapist flagged obsessive personality disorder, but since he wouldn’t acknowledge it, he insisted we change providers.