Friend with alcoholism getting sober...and angry

[Anonymous]

Friend and I met twenty years ago; we trained professionally together. She always drank hard but was high functioning for many years. After we turned 40 she slowly began falling apart; was arrested for DUI, multiple failed relationships, an unplanned pregnancy with termination that made her very sad.

Having frank conversations about her drinking has been difficult; she has been defensive and in denial during most of them. But as her friend I was no longer comfortable with what felt like enabling, and have tried to be as honest as I could while being supportive (listening through various ups and downs, suggesting groups/rehab centers, etc). Things came to a head 9 mos ago when she was nearly fired from her job. She lives alone has a hefty mortgage so this shook her.

She seemed to be taking her sobriety more seriously, for which I was glad. But as she has lost the coping mechanism of alcohol, she has become increasingly irritable and unpredictable. We live in different states but used to talk or text frequently; her texts became abrasive, she would often text me multiple times after midnight (like 10-15 texts), or become accusatory if she interpreted something I wrote as a challenge. I became tired of the late night pleas for help followed by the angry accusations (e.g. "Hey I need help", followed by "you're not smarter or better than me"), and told her I needed better boundaries from her. She absolutely lost it. Called me names, used profanity, texted almost non-stop over 36 hours until I finally blocked her.

This is a longtime friend and professional. It felt like being harassed by an abusive ex-boyfriend or similar. I'm just stunned. The worst part is that I think she was sober throughout the whole screed. I've supported her for 2 decades, and now that she's finally drying out, I've become the enemy. I also feel like I've lost our friendship.

To all those who struggle with alcohol abuse in their marriages and families, I really feel for you. This was a terrible experience. I'm mourning the loss of my friend, but I'm able to set boundaries and take space.

Do others have experience with newly sober friends/family like this?

[Anonymous]

They aren’t sober, op

[Anonymous]

What you describe is not typical. It sounds like she was self-medicating serious mental illness, and that she’s had a breakdown (bipolar perhaps?). As sad as it is, you did the right thing by blocking her, and I say this even if you never speak again, and even if she’s in harm’s way or a life-threatening situation (because I worry you would second-guess yourself). It’s natural to grieve the loss of such a long and important friendship, but unless she gets help, it’s not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Also - it’s crappy to judge people you don’t know based on this woman’s behavior.

I know sober people and I know addicts and there is a difference between being an active addict, being a dry addict and being sober

[Anonymous]

All addictions shared a common trait, an aversion to dealing with an ugly truth about themselves or their lives. Reality is so unbearable that they seek a substance, food, or even a destructive behavioral pattern to fill it.

I’d caution that anyone to just dismiss it at mental illness, and rather liken it to chronic pain. Like your body is boiling pain. Sure there are treatments that will help manage the pain, but those treatments are slow. And the pain must be felt to treat. Addicts have to be ready and willing to endure it.

I’m not saying that you have to accept abuse, you absolutely shouldn’t. But a little empathy and encouragement goes a long way. So, determine what your boundaries and if they allow engage your friend with compassion.

[Anonymous]

OP-it does sound like you’ve been in a difficult relationship. Have you considered therapy for yourself to talk through ways to manage your feelings and how to respond to this former friend? It could be very helpful to have a place to work through this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Agree — self medicating mental illness.

Look up borderline splitting.

[Anonymous]

She’s a dry drunk. My mother is one. They stopped drinking but are still a mean person.

Cut ties.

[Anonymous]

Drunks get that way because they aren’t dealing with sadness or trauma or something else in their lives in the right way.

She needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also - it’s crappy to judge people you don’t know based on this woman’s behavior.

I know sober people and I know addicts and there is a difference between being an active addict, being a dry addict and being sober

This. I will say being married to a sober man has been actually incredible because he actually has a concrete framework to regulate his emotions unlike the vast majority of men in my social circle (according to their wives).

I know people have judged my DH for having a substance abuse problem, getting treatment and actively working a program (jokes about AA are not kind). I try not to care because my life has improved one zillion percent over the past 15 years of sobriety versus the fairly short period where his addiction was not being treatment. One big point if that anyone can develop a drinking problem. It isn’t like you’re fine once you hit 30. A lot of people run into issues later in life but we fine before. Those are the ones who really need help.

[Anonymous]

My experience with “sober” people having episodes is that they are fueled by drinking. So if it’s late in the day and she’s emotionally disregulated, assume that alcohol is involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, appreciate these replies. To clarify my post isn’t coming from a place of judgment, rather sorrow at the loss of this friendship and acknowledgment of how much harder this would be with a parent or a spouse. It’s my hope that she finds a healthy way forward. I’m just missing my friend. Thanks to all who posted.

[Anonymous]

Maybe one day she will find a recovery program, stick with it and make amends. Until then, there is no universe in which you should be available for her mistreatment and chaos. You did the right thing by blocking her.

[Anonymous]

I had an experience like this with one of my closest friends. Their drug use and mental illness finally progressed to the point where the person I knew and loved had pretty much disappeared and been replaced by a demanding, self-centered unpleasant person. Just when I was at the point of telling them the only thing left that I could do for them was help them get into some kind of recovery, they called up and fired me as a friend via a voice message. I decided to let things be as they were rather than reacting or responding. Unfortunately, my friend died before we ever got back in touch.

Charity/friendship doesn’t require us to be a doormat. From what you described, it sounds like your friend has disappeared and been replaced by a difficult person, like mine. If you’re tired of being mistreated, you have to let them know that they’ll be actively welcome in your life once they’re in recovery and taking the measures necessary to get back to being a whole person. Tell them you’ll do whatever you reasonably can to facilitate that, but that right now anything further just isn’t working or going to work.

PP’s are right that your friend is (if in recovery at all) likely in a “dry drunk” status, and the possibility of untreated or inadequately treated mental illness seems likely too. You can’t fix those things. Your friend can’t fix them herself. She needs help from others.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I know it is very painful.