How to support our friends kid
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Anonymous
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When our daughters were born, I met another women in a moms group (15 yrs ago). We became fast friends, as did our families. We frequently spend time together, have vacationed together (internationally, even), we are each others kids godparents - you get the picture. While we all get along, the mom and I are much closer than the dads, just for reference.
My husband and I always noticed that the dad was pretty strict, but nothing out of the ordinary. It has never come between any of us and we just chalked it up to different parenting styles. Never noticed anything that really sent up a red flag. I had mentioned something once to the mom about something the dad had said about how he disciplines his daughter (can’t remember the exact comment) and she brushed it off as “we know what’s best for DD - it’s not like you think.” OK. Well last night we had the daughter over for dinner and she basically unloaded on us about her dad. How strict he is with school, sports and extracurriculars. This girl is not sporty (never has been and is not at all interested in sports), but her parents forced her to join field hockey. She hasn’t been playing this year due to an injury, but told us last night she was faking the injury because she hated field hockey so much and they wouldn’t let her quit! More stuff in a similar vein came out and we all just nodded our head in sympathy. Is there anything I can do to support this girl? Hearing about the fake injury broke my heart. Pretty sure the mom is in denial so saying something to her (again) won’t help I’m sure. |
Anonymous
| MYOB. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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I don't know what I would do - it's a hard spot to be in. You have such a tight relationship with this family but I would also be very concerned for this girl. What can you really say though as you've tried to broach this topic and was immediately shut down before, I don't think it's a subject you'll get traction even if you mention the conversation you had with the daughter.
If you encourage the girl to talk to a school counselor or someone other than you all, maybe an outside voice will have a shot at confronting the parents. I don't think you should MYOB but I think for you to directly get involved is friendship suicide. I'd try that but if it doesn't work, you'll have to let the girl take the lead - as she gets older- she'll have to self advocate. |
Anonymous
| I am also a close MYOB. As a teen its great she has a safe place to vent. |
Anonymous
The bolded. What she describes is unfortunate, but it's not abusive. You're also only hearing her side of the story. It's great that she confided in you, and she could also benefit from objective guidance and support. I understand how this situation could influence your friendship with her parents. It happens. |
Anonymous
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Having someone to talk about it with and someone to confirm the abnormality of the extremes is a lot already.
The parents themselves are probably religious and traumatized people and trying to keep DD safe. What she needs is people who see the messed up parts with her & maybe can be back up family or support when she leaves home. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| This makes me think about all the posts in the relationship forum where dad is a total a hole and mom is just waiting til the last kid finishes high school to divorce because she can't imagine dad having 50 / 50 custody. |
Anonymous
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She has a mother and a father. And you are neither.
MYOB |
Anonymous
| Thanks guys. We will continue to lend an ear and let her talk to us as much as she needs to. She’s a really sweet kid so it’s just hard to hear. I definitely will NOT say anything to the parents. |
Anonymous
| I'm a DINK aunt who has periodically been the recipient of such "safe space venting." My go to is always to empathize without demonizing (dramatic word used for brevity here) parents and encourage and role play if it seems helpful how the child could talk directly to their parent or parents |
Anonymous
| Support her like you would an adult. Listen, empathize, suggest resources if they want (like the school counselor). Don’t intervene. |
Anonymous
| OP You seem like a great parent and trustworthy person and it's great this young person has found you to be a sounding board. I think it's really enough that you listen and empathize. I think that's all teens need sometimes rather than having someone "fix" their problems. |
Anonymous
| This isn't abusive and you support the parents parenting. |