It's hard for me that my son doesn't want to spend time with me

[Anonymous]

My son (a junior in high school, about to turn 17) has a pretty active social life. He has neighborhood friends and school friends and plays sports and has his license. Beginning sophomore year we've rarely seen him on weekend nights--he's out every Friday and Saturday night. He just came home (for 5 minutes to change clothing) and I asked him how his day way and he wouldn't even engage with me. His comment was "why are you bothering me?" Me "because I haven't seen you all day and wondered how you're doing". Him "well I haven't been wondering about you. i've spent 17 years with you and I don't feel like spending time with you tonight." He's not usually this grumpy but he's definitely making a major break from us recently. He talks a lot about going away to college "I can't wait to get out of here."
There's nothing in particular that's led to this--we have a long-standing good relationship etc. He's just very much ready to grow up and he's being a bit of a jerk in the process. This stuff is hard. It made me think--I really think the golden years of parenting boys are around 12-14. They're funny and cute and independent with many things but still want to spend time with you.

I guess there's no point to this except that this phase is hard for me. Thankfully we have 2 other kids. One is his twin sister and she actually spends a fair bit of time with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son (a junior in high school, about to turn 17) has a pretty active social life. He has neighborhood friends and school friends and plays sports and has his license. Beginning sophomore year we've rarely seen him on weekend nights--he's out every Friday and Saturday night. He just came home (for 5 minutes to change clothing) and I asked him how his day way and he wouldn't even engage with me. His comment was "why are you bothering me?" Me "because I haven't seen you all day and wondered how you're doing". Him "well I haven't been wondering about you. i've spent 17 years with you and I don't feel like spending time with you tonight." He's not usually this grumpy but he's definitely making a major break from us recently. He talks a lot about going away to college "I can't wait to get out of here."
There's nothing in particular that's led to this--we have a long-standing good relationship etc. He's just very much ready to grow up and he's being a bit of a jerk in the process. This stuff is hard. It made me think--I really think the golden years of parenting boys are around 12-14. They're funny and cute and independent with many things but still want to spend time with you.

I guess there's no point to this except that this phase is hard for me. Thankfully we have 2 other kids. One is his twin sister and she actually spends a fair bit of time with us.

That's hard! Be careful not to make your daughter compensate for this loss you feel!

[Anonymous]

Where is he going? Did he purchase the car, pay insurance and gas?
Do you wash his clothes?

He is a jerk because you are allowing him to be entitled.

[Anonymous]

Okay, there’s grumpy and then there’s just outright rude and disrespectful. Those responses are unacceptable. He doesn’t have to sit and hang out with. But he damn well better be respectful.

There needs to be a Come-to-Jesus family meeting. Everything he holds dear, meaning his phone, money, access to friends, will quickly disappear if he ever responds like that.

Have some self-respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, there’s grumpy and then there’s just outright rude and disrespectful. Those responses are unacceptable. He doesn’t have to sit and hang out with. But he damn well better be respectful.

There needs to be a Come-to-Jesus family meeting. Everything he holds dear, meaning his phone, money, access to friends, will quickly disappear if he ever responds like that.

Have some self-respect.

This!

[Anonymous]

I feel like there's more to the story given his comments.

[Anonymous]

Wow. We have two boys, 18 and 15, and they’d never talk to us like that AND they enjoy spending time with us. What your son said to you is not typical and I hope you don’t let him get away with that.

[Anonymous]

Why would you want to spend time with some jerk who’s treating you like crap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like there's more to the story given his comments.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anyone else think that’s it’s not about “letting him get away with” a certain behavior but it’s about figuring out what’s going on with him that he’s been that reactive? if it’s not his typical typical way of being?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else think that’s it’s not about “letting him get away with” a certain behavior but it’s about figuring out what’s going on with him that he’s been that reactive? if it’s not his typical typical way of being?

He can be held accountable for the rudeness while at the same time trying to figure out what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

My take is that you sound clingy and smothering. He sounds like a teen with a normal, healthy weekend social life. You should be glad he is going out. Yes, he was rude, but if you are overly clingy, he may be reacting that way to get you to back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else think that’s it’s not about “letting him get away with” a certain behavior but it’s about figuring out what’s going on with him that he’s been that reactive? if it’s not his typical typical way of being?

He can be held accountable for the rudeness while at the same time trying to figure out what’s going on.

Yes. A rude child does not get to enjoy the wonderful privileges he currently enjoys without discussion/consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My take is that you sound clingy and smothering. He sounds like a teen with a normal, healthy weekend social life. You should be glad he is going out. Yes, he was rude, but if you are overly clingy, he may be reacting that way to get you to back off.

Wrong

[Anonymous]

Maybe you treat him differently.