Should I encourage spouse to quit stressful job?

[Anonymous]

My spouse hates her stressful job and is getting depressed. I love my very flexible job and fell guilty about it.

I have encouraged her to look for other jobs but she’s super busy at work and feels like it’s impossible to carve out the time and that she’s only qualified to do things that are similar to her current job that she hates.

Every once in a while she brings up the idea of quitting and taking some time off to reevaluate. I’m theoretically in favor of this, but it makes me nervous. We are both in our early 50s and make similar amounts. Our health insurance is currently through her job and while we could switch to my benefits, her benefits are much much better. Plus, in this economy and at our ages, I worry that it could take a really long time to find something new/better and would get harder and harder over time, making her more depressed.

We could down-scale our lives and make it work on just my income, but I’m really worried about her mental health/pride—she’s a natural worker bee.

On the other hand, I feel like she’s looking for me to give her permission to quit and I don’t want to be responsible for keeping her in a job she hates. She feels like she’s missing our kid’s childhood because she works a ton.

We are a same sex couple, which isn’t super relevant to my question but I don’t want anyone to overlay gender stuff onto this issue.

[Anonymous]

I think you guys should sit down and have a frank discussion about all this.

What would scaling back look like?
How would she feel if she quit and couldn't get another job?
Is there something she can do with her current job to make things better?

[Anonymous]

I would not be comfortable with her quitting in the circumstances you described. She needs to carve out some time to take care of herself, but quitting may make her depression worse. She should prioritize finding a new job of her current one is stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you guys should sit down and have a frank discussion about all this.

What would scaling back look like?
How would she feel if she quit and couldn't get another job?
Is there something she can do with her current job to make things better?

+1

And OP, your initial post on this thread is actually a pretty good script for what to say to her. It lays out your concerns for her mental and emotional health as well as the practicalities like health insurance re: your ages, etc.

Approach the conversation from a place of support and love, putting the concern for her at the forefront and maybe framing the practical concerns as secondary. It is extremely good that you are so willing to do things like cut back your overall lifestyle/spending if she wants to stop work, and that you recognize and respect her when she says she feels she's missing time with your DC (which in itself is, to me, top priority).

I would talk to her and then ASAP schedule sessions with a financial adviser to get third-party, outside eyes on this. If you don't have one, many banks provide this as a free service to regular customers.

You sound like an exceptionally supportive and sensitive spouse, aware of her personality ("worker bee") and needs, while also able to anticipate some issues here, such as her need to work/do a good job but also her feelings of missing out re: your child. I think the two of you are well positioned to deal with this as a team, unlike many couples in posts on DCUM. Best of luck to you both, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be comfortable with her quitting in the circumstances you described. She needs to carve out some time to take care of herself, but quitting may make her depression worse. She should prioritize finding a new job of her current one is stressful.

I could have written the OP word for word. Very similiar situation. Same ages, same income parity, same healthcare, same kid situation, same mental health issues. Except for the same sex stuff. I'm a male, and my wife is basically the same as OP's wife. My wife would tell you that finding a new job is a job unto itself, and given that she already works 50+ hours most weeks, is a very hands on mom, and does 50%+ of the housework, there's no time for a job search....that she needs to quit her current job in order to have the time to find a new one.

My thought is that if you do that, you better cut back and start saving *before* leaving your job, because once you're in your 50's, it's probably harder to find a job...even a less stressful, lower paying one.

So, I don't really have an answer. So far, my wife has stuck it out. A change in bosses in the past year was helpful, at least for in for the short term. Didn't mean to hijack the thread. Just saw some amazing similarities.

[Anonymous]

You’ve gotten good advice, OP. Is there a way you can pul more of the load at home for a while so that she can carve out some time to network/ job hunt? Also is spouse a perfectionist? Effort into the job could probably be dialed back for some period of time.