DW makes life miserable

[Anonymous]

DW just makes things miserable sometimes. She is often difficult. Very unappreciative of the fact that I pay 90 percent of the bills while she pursues her passion career. Gets very upset at me if I don’t agree with her about political issues. Often seems to provoke fights with our kid because she can be a little inflexible and gets into power struggles. Etc etc.

I don’t really want a divorce because I dread the idea of how she would parent our kid without me around. Also just generally don’t want a divorce.

Still, it feels very difficult at times. Just not fun at all.

Really just a rant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW just makes things miserable sometimes. She is often difficult. Very unappreciative of the fact that I pay 90 percent of the bills while she pursues her passion career. Gets very upset at me if I don’t agree with her about political issues. Often seems to provoke fights with our kid because she can be a little inflexible and gets into power struggles. Etc etc.

I don’t really want a divorce because I dread the idea of how she would parent our kid without me around. Also just generally don’t want a divorce.

Still, it feels very difficult at times. Just not fun at all.

Really just a rant.

"A little inflexible??"

Let's say that everything you wrote here is 100% true, that wouldn't make her a "little" inflexible... she sounds like a total control freak.

I'm assuming she's never been to a therapist before, because she thinks she's always right... right?
It definitely seems like she's got undiagnosed anxiety issues, which uncontrollably causes her to try and control every ONE and every THING around her.
The more anxious she gets, the tighter she grasps to hang on to control, and attempts to exude her (pretend) power.
She probably believes that her overly controlling nature is a positive trait, when in reality it's far from it. It's a nightmare.
When you have a control freak in the house, everyone is miserable, and everyone needs to walk on eggshells around her out of fear.

If your child is getting into power struggles with her now, as a child, the relationship will most likely never improve more than it is today. As your child gets older, they'll want to assume control over their own life and their own decisions, which will only make your wife try to hold on tighter, which will inevitably push your kids away.
If that's the way they are now, unless you're wife seeks therapy, there's no way they'll ever be closer than whatever type of relationship they have right now, because your child will fear allowing your wife to get close, just to have her uncontrollably lash out at your child out of nowhere.

Her relationship with your child is hers to ruin... you'll know quickly if she cares enough to get help.
I would think it would terrify her to consider that she may be estranged from your child as an adult or not be close with your child at all. She should make whatever changes are necessary right now in order to prevent that from happening (fyi, getting into power struggles with your kid is terrible parenting -- she's the adult and should know better).
You'll find out what's more important to her... your kid or her control obsession.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this... unless your wife goes to therapy, she will never, ever get any better than she is right now, she will only become leaps and bounds more INTOLERABLE, and you'll inevitably grow increasingly more bitter & resentful of her as the years go on (as you'll correctly perceive that her obsession with control, has now ruined all three of your lives.
So she'll refuse to do something about it, because if she can't be in control, then nobody can (including you).

If she refuses therapy, you need to leave her, period.
There's a huge difference between "feeling content and at peace alone" and "being with someone, and totally miserable".
I'll take content and at peace, every single day of the week.

Anxiety is too complex to handle without a trained professional.
If she tells you she doesn't need therapy or she'll work on herself, that's the control talking.
She's terrified of handing off her sense of control, because control has become her very best friend.
As she gets older though, she'll become so much worse, because she won't have the same sharp faculties that she used to, which will be incredibly frustrating for her, and she'll blame everyone else.

Oh, and that resentment and bitterness that you're already feeling... well, that's terribly corrosive.
Trust me, you don't want to continue to live this way -- sooner than later you're going to start feeling like you're drowning.

[Anonymous]

* your

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW just makes things miserable sometimes. She is often difficult. Very unappreciative of the fact that I pay 90 percent of the bills while she pursues her passion career. Gets very upset at me if I don’t agree with her about political issues. Often seems to provoke fights with our kid because she can be a little inflexible and gets into power struggles. Etc etc.

I don’t really want a divorce because I dread the idea of how she would parent our kid without me around. Also just generally don’t want a divorce.

Still, it feels very difficult at times. Just not fun at all.

Really just a rant.

"A little inflexible??"

Let's say that everything you wrote here is 100% true, that wouldn't make her a "little" inflexible... she sounds like a total control freak.

I'm assuming she's never been to a therapist before, because she thinks she's always right... right?
It definitely seems like she's got undiagnosed anxiety issues, which uncontrollably causes her to try and control every ONE and every THING around her.
The more anxious she gets, the tighter she grasps to hang on to control, and attempts to exude her (pretend) power.
She probably believes that her overly controlling nature is a positive trait, when in reality it's far from it. It's a nightmare.
When you have a control freak in the house, everyone is miserable, and everyone needs to walk on eggshells around her out of fear.

If your child is getting into power struggles with her now, as a child, the relationship will most likely never improve more than it is today. As your child gets older, they'll want to assume control over their own life and their own decisions, which will only make your wife try to hold on tighter, which will inevitably push your kids away.
If that's the way they are now, unless you're wife seeks therapy, there's no way they'll ever be closer than whatever type of relationship they have right now, because your child will fear allowing your wife to get close, just to have her uncontrollably lash out at your child out of nowhere.

Her relationship with your child is hers to ruin... you'll know quickly if she cares enough to get help.
I would think it would terrify her to consider that she may be estranged from your child as an adult or not be close with your child at all. She should make whatever changes are necessary right now in order to prevent that from happening (fyi, getting into power struggles with your kid is terrible parenting -- she's the adult and should know better).
You'll find out what's more important to her... your kid or her control obsession.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this... unless your wife goes to therapy, she will never, ever get any better than she is right now, she will only become leaps and bounds more INTOLERABLE, and you'll inevitably grow increasingly more bitter & resentful of her as the years go on (as you'll correctly perceive that her obsession with control, has now ruined all three of your lives.
So she'll refuse to do something about it, because if she can't be in control, then nobody can (including you).

If she refuses therapy, you need to leave her, period.
There's a huge difference between "feeling content and at peace alone" and "being with someone, and totally miserable".
I'll take content and at peace, every single day of the week.

Anxiety is too complex to handle without a trained professional.
If she tells you she doesn't need therapy or she'll work on herself, that's the control talking.
She's terrified of handing off her sense of control, because control has become her very best friend.
As she gets older though, she'll become so much worse, because she won't have the same sharp faculties that she used to, which will be incredibly frustrating for her, and she'll blame everyone else.

Oh, and that resentment and bitterness that you're already feeling... well, that's terribly corrosive.
Trust me, you don't want to continue to live this way -- sooner than later you're going to start feeling like you're drowning.

NP here, I think what you say is possible but, Wow, it’s a huge take and a big jump. Your post is longer than OP’s. How would you really know all this stuff.

What if op’s perception is off? What if inflexible is her attempt to instill the 1-2 values she cares about?

[Anonymous]

Document her bad behavior, then file for divorce and full custody.

Audio recordings, if legal in your state, are gold in a custody fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW just makes things miserable sometimes. She is often difficult. Very unappreciative of the fact that I pay 90 percent of the bills while she pursues her passion career. Gets very upset at me if I don’t agree with her about political issues. Often seems to provoke fights with our kid because she can be a little inflexible and gets into power struggles. Etc etc.

I don’t really want a divorce because I dread the idea of how she would parent our kid without me around. Also just generally don’t want a divorce.

Still, it feels very difficult at times. Just not fun at all.

Really just a rant.

"A little inflexible??"

Let's say that everything you wrote here is 100% true, that wouldn't make her a "little" inflexible... she sounds like a total control freak.

I'm assuming she's never been to a therapist before, because she thinks she's always right... right?
It definitely seems like she's got undiagnosed anxiety issues, which uncontrollably causes her to try and control every ONE and every THING around her.
The more anxious she gets, the tighter she grasps to hang on to control, and attempts to exude her (pretend) power.
She probably believes that her overly controlling nature is a positive trait, when in reality it's far from it. It's a nightmare.
When you have a control freak in the house, everyone is miserable, and everyone needs to walk on eggshells around her out of fear.

If your child is getting into power struggles with her now, as a child, the relationship will most likely never improve more than it is today. As your child gets older, they'll want to assume control over their own life and their own decisions, which will only make your wife try to hold on tighter, which will inevitably push your kids away.
If that's the way they are now, unless you're wife seeks therapy, there's no way they'll ever be closer than whatever type of relationship they have right now, because your child will fear allowing your wife to get close, just to have her uncontrollably lash out at your child out of nowhere.

Her relationship with your child is hers to ruin... you'll know quickly if she cares enough to get help.
I would think it would terrify her to consider that she may be estranged from your child as an adult or not be close with your child at all. She should make whatever changes are necessary right now in order to prevent that from happening (fyi, getting into power struggles with your kid is terrible parenting -- she's the adult and should know better).
You'll find out what's more important to her... your kid or her control obsession.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this... unless your wife goes to therapy, she will never, ever get any better than she is right now, she will only become leaps and bounds more INTOLERABLE, and you'll inevitably grow increasingly more bitter & resentful of her as the years go on (as you'll correctly perceive that her obsession with control, has now ruined all three of your lives.
So she'll refuse to do something about it, because if she can't be in control, then nobody can (including you).

If she refuses therapy, you need to leave her, period.
There's a huge difference between "feeling content and at peace alone" and "being with someone, and totally miserable".
I'll take content and at peace, every single day of the week.

Anxiety is too complex to handle without a trained professional.
If she tells you she doesn't need therapy or she'll work on herself, that's the control talking.
She's terrified of handing off her sense of control, because control has become her very best friend.
As she gets older though, she'll become so much worse, because she won't have the same sharp faculties that she used to, which will be incredibly frustrating for her, and she'll blame everyone else.

Oh, and that resentment and bitterness that you're already feeling... well, that's terribly corrosive.
Trust me, you don't want to continue to live this way -- sooner than later you're going to start feeling like you're drowning.

NP here, I think what you say is possible but, Wow, it’s a huge take and a big jump. Your post is longer than OP’s. How would you really know all this stuff.

What if op’s perception is off? What if inflexible is her attempt to instill the 1-2 values she cares about?

Exactly. Most of these people just project their own issues onto these threads. They are the ones completely inflexible. It's like he's already made her a character in a story. Maybe start by asking a question if you actually care to help.

[Anonymous]

He even felt the need to correct himself but he's too controlling? Oh no.

[Anonymous]

Did she stay home with the child, put her career on hold while you took your time being at work?
No need to rush home because she is there with the kid, right?
I worked around DH's schedule and he still gave me crap about being too late coming from work. He had nowhere to go or be and the kid was asleep.
You left her side out completely.

[Anonymous]

Most women are controlling... men must...

clean kitchen including wipe stove, sweep, wipe all counters, nothing soaking or they are children
put kids to bed exactly how she does
do morning routine exactly how she does.
when she goes out she comes home and immediately does a full analysis of what food was fed to the kids, homework checks, bedtime checks and they yells at husband because spelling words still need to be done (call the presses)

I can't even imagine how men deal with these women and pay all the bills and support their "hobbies". WTF... why did you ever let it get this bad.

You let her become a child and now she is acting like a child. Get a job!

Sure she will get 1/2 but you say get therapy for your anxiety or GTFO.

Come on man!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she stay home with the child, put her career on hold while you took your time being at work? Do you mean did she quit her job and live off the dole. GMAFB with this "I put my career on hold" BS
No need to rush home because she is there with the kid, right? Nobody NEEDS to do this, they choose it. There are so many options besides rush home.
I worked around DH's schedule and he still gave me crap about being too late coming from work. He had nowhere to go or be and the kid was asleep.
You left her side out completely.

You sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Document her bad behavior, then file for divorce and full custody.

Audio recordings, if legal in your state, are gold in a custody fight.

All of this... go see a lawyer and find out how to works in your state. Knowledge is power.

Women need to grow the f up.

The sooner the better don't let your assets grow and give her 1/2, also all your future earnings. She's an adult she can work too.

Judges are giving men 50/50 now without even a thought unless you are a complete loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most women are controlling... men must...

clean kitchen including wipe stove, sweep, wipe all counters, nothing soaking or they are children
put kids to bed exactly how she does
do morning routine exactly how she does.
when she goes out she comes home and immediately does a full analysis of what food was fed to the kids, homework checks, bedtime checks and they yells at husband because spelling words still need to be done (call the presses)

I can't even imagine how men deal with these women and pay all the bills and support their "hobbies". WTF... why did you ever let it get this bad.

You let her become a child and now she is acting like a child. Get a job!

Sure she will get 1/2 but you say get therapy for your anxiety or GTFO.

Come on man!

You have anger issues. Morning and evening routine should be a routine. Any grown ass man can come up with a plan together with his wife if he helps out with this and isn't traveling. Sorry you can't.
I don't know about the cleaning stuff. That is family specific on chores, but what you mentioned isn't over the top for a family to divide as work. There are a hundred other tasks to do in a household. Places should be left clean without crumbs. OP mentioned zero about chores. Your projection. Is the spelling test tomorrow and you already said you'd help out with spelling and your kid is dyslexic? I don't know the agreement you have. I kind of remember a parent doing this with me when I was in 1st-3rd grade. It took about 15 minutes.
Many men demand their woman have the same political beliefs and are much more controlling in this arena. I find political beliefs to be personal and this to me is an annoyance that I'd have with a spouse either direction because they are part of your person and not someone else's to copy. So OP has a wife that is overly political. Maybe that is something she needs to work on why this is being brought into the house at all? I think this is a legitimate concern of being over controlling.
As for the kid, it's probably better if OP sides with the mom and then these things will stop happening more. The kid will realize the parents are on the same side. Maybe this is related to the political beliefs. OP is trying to use it against her because he's annoyed about the political control? Not sure. But usually two parents should be on the same side with parenting which is much more important than a political agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW just makes things miserable sometimes. She is often difficult. Very unappreciative of the fact that I pay 90 percent of the bills while she pursues her passion career. Gets very upset at me if I don’t agree with her about political issues. Often seems to provoke fights with our kid because she can be a little inflexible and gets into power struggles. Etc etc.

I don’t really want a divorce because I dread the idea of how she would parent our kid without me around. Also just generally don’t want a divorce.

Still, it feels very difficult at times. Just not fun at all.

Really just a rant.

Any possibility that the passion career is a cover for a secret family? I bring this up because we seem to be married to the same woman.

I refuse to discuss politics, women’s rights, economics, homelessness or gender equality; we share nearly identical feelings on these matters but discussion turns into me being part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most women are controlling... men must...

clean kitchen including wipe stove, sweep, wipe all counters, nothing soaking or they are children
put kids to bed exactly how she does
do morning routine exactly how she does.
when she goes out she comes home and immediately does a full analysis of what food was fed to the kids, homework checks, bedtime checks and they yells at husband because spelling words still need to be done (call the presses)

I can't even imagine how men deal with these women and pay all the bills and support their "hobbies". WTF... why did you ever let it get this bad.

You let her become a child and now she is acting like a child. Get a job!

Sure she will get 1/2 but you say get therapy for your anxiety or GTFO.

Come on man!

You have anger issues. Morning and evening routine should be a routine. Any grown ass man can come up with a plan together with his wife if he helps out with this and isn't traveling. Sorry you can't.
I don't know about the cleaning stuff. That is family specific on chores, but what you mentioned isn't over the top for a family to divide as work. There are a hundred other tasks to do in a household. Places should be left clean without crumbs. OP mentioned zero about chores. Your projection. Is the spelling test tomorrow and you already said you'd help out with spelling and your kid is dyslexic? I don't know the agreement you have. I kind of remember a parent doing this with me when I was in 1st-3rd grade. It took about 15 minutes.
Many men demand their woman have the same political beliefs and are much more controlling in this arena. I find political beliefs to be personal and this to me is an annoyance that I'd have with a spouse either direction because they are part of your person and not someone else's to copy. So OP has a wife that is overly political. Maybe that is something she needs to work on why this is being brought into the house at all? I think this is a legitimate concern of being over controlling.
As for the kid, it's probably better if OP sides with the mom and then these things will stop happening more. The kid will realize the parents are on the same side. Maybe this is related to the political beliefs. OP is trying to use it against her because he's annoyed about the political control? Not sure. But usually two parents should be on the same side with parenting which is much more important than a political agreement.

Alert Alert controlling woman ^^^^

Sorry, but you are not right you are a control freak and probably a touch of OCD, were you abused as a child?

If you already have a therapist, please show them your post because it is too much for me to dissect but you are SERIOUS issues. If you don't have a therapist yet you seriously need one.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to divorce because of how my husband would treat the kids on his custody time. He's the type to request the most custody he can get, and threaten to not pay for college, just out of spite. He has ADHD/ASD. On a good day, he cannot respond with compassion an sympathy to his children's moods (although interestingly, he does for mine). On a bad day, he has fits of rage and can be cruel, particularly to his son.

So. Here we are. My kids do not have a great relationship with him. They have a great relationship with me.

I suggest, OP, that you continue to be the primary parent and that you get your emotional support elsewhere.