PK3 adjustment is so hard! Is this normal? What to do??

[Anonymous]

My 3.5 year old is really, really struggling with the adjustment to PK3. He’s been home with a nanny and his little sister his whole life (he’s the oldest). He’s a sweet, playful, smart kid, but he’s also sensitive, not great with change and very finicky about things like sleep and his routine.

He was so excited about school, and the teacher is fabulous. But he’s generally not napping (2 out 6 days so far), he cries in the morning when he gets up that he doesn’t want to go to school, he cries at drop off, he’s really struggled with the transition to aftercare at the end of the day, he’s tired and a bit of a mess in the evening, and he’s crying in his bed at bedtime about how he hates school and he doesn’t want to go and he misses home. It absolutely breaks my heart. And while the aftercare transition is getting better, everything else seems to be getting worse.

A lot of it I think is just fatigue. He is used to sleeping 8pm-8am and napping from 2-4. Well, now he’s up at 7:30 and nap time is at 12:45 and he’s not falling asleep. And even if he did, nap is only 1.5 hrs. We’ve been putting him to bed at 7:30pm because he’s so tired but he NEEDS a nap every day and he’s not getting one. And I just feel so powerless - how can I help here? He’s always been a finicky napper, with his sound machine and a fairly dark room by himself (though he does have a night light, he’s not used to pitch black). But the schedule change, plus the classroom is really bright, plus a nap mat instead of a bed, and other kids there… I’m just worried he won’t adjust and he’ll be exhausted indefinitely.

I know this is long and rambly. Can anyone offer some solace or words of advice? I just hate hate hate to see my baby so miserable and my mother’s constant passive aggressive comments about “well, it’s a reeeeally long day for a three year old” (she thinks we should have kept the nanny for ourselves instead of aftercare + nanny share but we really can’t afford to) are driving me mad.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Please be gentle, I’m in tears

[Anonymous]

As a mom whose kid gave up naps really young, a 3 year old with no nap needs to be getting 12.5-13 hours at night. 7:30 is too late of a bedtime for your guy. Get some more sleep in him and things will start to fall into place (he may start napping too - sleep begets sleep after all).

Tell your mom that you agree it's a long day and you'd be happy for her to pick him up at 3 and watch him until you and dad are done with work so he can decompress in a more calm environment.

[Anonymous]

I have twins and one adjusted to school just fine and the other was like your child.

It was difficult for the first couple weeks, and all of a sudden the switch flipped. Your child will adjust soon and you'll forget all about this time until you see someone else post about it years from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mom whose kid gave up naps really young, a 3 year old with no nap needs to be getting 12.5-13 hours at night. 7:30 is too late of a bedtime for your guy. Get some more sleep in him and things will start to fall into place (he may start napping too - sleep begets sleep after all).

Tell your mom that you agree it's a long day and you'd be happy for her to pick him up at 3 and watch him until you and dad are done with work so he can decompress in a more calm environment.

+1 to more sleep. Get that bedtime as early as you can. I know it’s painful, because hours are short for spending time in the evening, but it will be so much better.

+ 100000 to the mom response. Also you can tell her you’d be happy to have her pay the full nanny salary and to inform the family you are kicking out of the share.

[Anonymous]

Give it at least a month to get better. It's definitely a big adjustment. Our DS cried and clung to us so tightly the teacher had to gently pry him off of us for at least three weeks. But he adjusted (and then got mad if we picked him up too early from aftercare, he was having so much fun). This was a kid who'd been in full 8:30-6 daycare from a few months old so was used to long days.

[Anonymous]

My prek3 kid is having a hard time at drop off so I feel you. All the other kids seem to be doing ok and mine is crying hysterically. But then she’s happy at pick up so I have hope it’ll get better. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Would something like an eye mask or earplugs work for the brightness/distracting noises at nap time?

[Anonymous]

Has it been 6 days only? It will take another couple weeks. Im sorry he's not napping as thats the hardest. Move bedtime even earlier. Can you at all take a little time off and bring him home to nanny instead of aftercare. He is old enough that he misses you. 12:45 nap is on the early side. Ive always seen 1 or 1:30'start and a 2 hr nap. Screw your moms comments unless shes is willing to chip in for a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Aftercare is generally somewhat lower quality more group babysitting than school. A lack of structure at aftercare can be very tiring/stressful for younger children. That said, its only week 2 and its brand new and an adjustment for all of them (not just your child). Pick him up as early as you can work permitting. It will get lots better.

[Anonymous]

My kid is almost 14 now but I still remember those young years. For us, every transition took 3-4 weeks. (They felt like VERY LONG weeks at the time.) And then, like someone said above, it's like a switch flipped. There is also a collective phenomenon where all of the kids are facing this transition at the same time, so it's a whole classroom of unsettled 3 year olds. The teachers have seen this before and my guess is, if they are really concerned that your kid is unusually distressed, they will see it and will tell you.

You are NOT doing anything wrong. You're a great parent! Every kid is different and this one will find his rhythm. And if he doesn't find it right now and you end up deciding to change your situation this year, that is okay too. It doesn't mean that you made a bad decision to send him to school. But give it some time first. And be gentle with yourself too.

[Anonymous]

6 days is nothing. Don’t even consider making big changes until 6 weeks. In the meantime, you need to get him out of bed as late as you can (bed with his school clothes on, breakfast snack en route to school & he can eat again there assuming that’s a thing at your school) & in to bed as early as you can (aim for 6:30 or 7 at the latest). If he starts napping, you can adjust… but ironically, overtiredness makes napping in unideal conditions even harder.

Also, play up how he’s a big boy going to school now on the weekends, so now he can X, Y, Z because he’s a big boy who goes to school.

[Anonymous]

Definitely move the bedtime up! My 3yo is hit or miss on naps and low sleep needs and she needs to be in bed by 7 on days she doesn’t nap. Sounds like your little one needs a lot of sleep, so definitely push bedtime to 7 or even 6:30. School days are exhausting even if they’re used to group care!

Do you have any flexibility in your schedule? I confess that while my 3yo has adjusted to school just fine, she is scared of aftercare so I’ve just been picking her up right from school. My work schedule is really flexible (especially in the afternoon — everyone I work with is in Europe) so I just finish up my last 1.5 hours of work after bedtime/before the kids wake up in the morning.

Do you have contact info for any of the other parents in his class? Would setting up play dates with the other kids help make school more socially attractive to him? We ran into another family from the school last weekend and the kids were thrilled to see each other which means I now have one friend’s name to use to remind my kid that actually she likes school.

Either way, big hugs! It’s a big transition for him, the mom guilt is real for you (I’m so sorry about your mom’s comments!), and seeing your kids struggle is always so so hard. I hope you guys have a good weekend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aftercare is generally somewhat lower quality more group babysitting than school. A lack of structure at aftercare can be very tiring/stressful for younger children. That said, its only week 2 and its brand new and an adjustment for all of them (not just your child). Pick him up as early as you can work permitting. It will get lots better.

This. I didn't do aftercare for my kids when they were in PK -- it's already such a long day, and there is a huge difference in quality between school and aftercare. If you can (maybe the nanny can get him?) I would consider dropping that part.

[Anonymous]

I could’ve written this post, only our preschool started the week before DCPS and so we’ve been at it a little longer. It’s still hard. I would say that things are starting to become a little easier— drop off is still hard but not “sobbing & needs the teacher to pry him off” hard, more “kid is tearful but accepting” hard. Fewer accidents now too (kid had no accidents for 6 months before preschool, and then had them daily at school). We do bedtime at 7pm now because he is just exhausted by then. That seems to help.

I will say I am just exhausted and kind of anxious/sad every school day because of how hard the transition has been. Having my kid crying every morning has put me in tears myself a few days, though I’ve waited until he’s gone in the building and cried on my way home. But I think there is hope— I’ve heard similar things from other parents who now say their kid is sad to leave school. But I do think the transition can take several weeks.

Anyway, solidarity.