Friendship issue and who pays: how to handle?

[Anonymous]

I am very good friends with a woman we’ll call Jane. We’ve been friends for several years, and in that time my personal financial situation has improved immensely while Jane’s has stayed the same - solidly MC. Jane always puts others before her and doesn’t take a lot of time to herself. For her birthday, I surprised her with tickets to an out of town concert (of an artist we both love). Jane was very excited and said she’d cover the hotel. I purchased these tickets a few months ago and now the concert is right around the corner (a few weeks).

The last time we hung out, about a month ago, I offered to cover the hotel (again). I am sincerely happy to do so and it’s no sacrifice. Jane insisted she’d get it. The thing is, I haven’t heard anything from her about it, and I’m starting to think I should just book it and let her know. Even though her family is probably doing okay financially, I know they have a few very pricey things coming up. WWYD? Go ahead and book, or ask her if she’s booked it? I take her silence to indicate it hasn’t been booked.

[Anonymous]

Book something refundable. Tell Jane that you had an incredible deal pop up (through points, work, refund you had forgotten about due to covid cancelled travel that you had to use or lose). Text her and tell her this. See what she says. If she was "just about to do it", say oh, why don't you pick up dinner one night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Book something refundable. Tell Jane that you had an incredible deal pop up (through points, work, refund you had forgotten about due to covid cancelled travel that you had to use or lose). Text her and tell her this. See what she says. If she was "just about to do it", say oh, why don't you pick up dinner one night.

This is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book something refundable. Tell Jane that you had an incredible deal pop up (through points, work, refund you had forgotten about due to covid cancelled travel that you had to use or lose). Text her and tell her this. See what she says. If she was "just about to do it", say oh, why don't you pick up dinner one night.

This is perfect.

Yes

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster who had the idea. Also just occurred to me to mention, in the future, don't make a gift that requires someone to spend money (regardless of financial situations of all involved).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who had the idea. Also just occurred to me to mention, in the future, don't make a gift that requires someone to spend money (regardless of financial situations of all involved).

As a poor person, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I can't tell you how many times I had to decline gifts relatives tried to give me that involved things like, a commute I couldn't afford before they finally got the picture. Ugh, it was awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who had the idea. Also just occurred to me to mention, in the future, don't make a gift that requires someone to spend money (regardless of financial situations of all involved).

This is OP. Friend and I would talk about the tour, throw around ideas of dates and locations that we thought would work. When I bought the ticket I said “and I’m getting the hotel!” She insisted on getting it. But yes I agree - I never would have gotten the tickets in the first place not intending to finance the whole weekend. For her this kind of thing is about pride, which is why I love your idea - thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who had the idea. Also just occurred to me to mention, in the future, don't make a gift that requires someone to spend money (regardless of financial situations of all involved).

This is OP. Friend and I would talk about the tour, throw around ideas of dates and locations that we thought would work. When I bought the ticket I said “and I’m getting the hotel!” She insisted on getting it. But yes I agree - I never would have gotten the tickets in the first place not intending to finance the whole weekend. For her this kind of thing is about pride, which is why I love your idea - thank you!

You're a great friend. I've been on both side of this equation, and I hope you both have a great time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who had the idea. Also just occurred to me to mention, in the future, don't make a gift that requires someone to spend money (regardless of financial situations of all involved).

As a poor person, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I can't tell you how many times I had to decline gifts relatives tried to give me that involved things like, a commute I couldn't afford before they finally got the picture. Ugh, it was awful.

I am with you but this is such a tricky line. I think instead I would say that if you are going to gift someone something that requires them to travel, spend money, or take time off work, you need to be very ready for them to say they can't accept it and know how to handle that situation.

I've been in situations where someone gifted me tickets to something that I couldn't afford to use, and then when I turned them down, they gave me a guilt trip. This is the crappiest of all possible situations because of course I'd love to accept that gift, but I literally can't afford the plane ticket/hotel/time off involved, and now I feel like either way I'm letting someone down. Please do not put your friends in a situations of feeling bad that they don't have enough money to accept your gift. They already feel bad they can't accept it! Don't make it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who had the idea. Also just occurred to me to mention, in the future, don't make a gift that requires someone to spend money (regardless of financial situations of all involved).

Exactly. WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who had the idea. Also just occurred to me to mention, in the future, don't make a gift that requires someone to spend money (regardless of financial situations of all involved).

As a poor person, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I can't tell you how many times I had to decline gifts relatives tried to give me that involved things like, a commute I couldn't afford before they finally got the picture. Ugh, it was awful.

Oh gosh even for our WEDDING we got gift certificates to hotels we couldn't ever use because it would have cost so much to get there - and sometimes the gc didn't even cover the whole expense of being there. To this day, I feel awful about those trips we didn't take - but also, we were just broke at the time. Broke broke broke.

Anyway, it sounds like this isn't OP and her friend's situation - but yes, always be mindful if your gift is actually going to end up being a financial burden. If you can!

OP - it sounds like you're handling this perfectly. And what a lovely gift. I hope you and Jane have a great time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who had the idea. Also just occurred to me to mention, in the future, don't make a gift that requires someone to spend money (regardless of financial situations of all involved).

Exactly. WTF?

Did you read the whole thread?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't lie. I'd say "I am sorry, I made a mistake. When I bought the tickets, I intended for the weekend to be your birthday gift. I should have said no when you offered to pay for the hotel. I'd really like to pay. Would you allow me to?"

I am the lower income friend in this dynamic, multiple times, and being lied to feels very condescending. It's not an easy dynamic to navigate from either side, but honesty helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who had the idea. Also just occurred to me to mention, in the future, don't make a gift that requires someone to spend money (regardless of financial situations of all involved).

As a poor person, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I can't tell you how many times I had to decline gifts relatives tried to give me that involved things like, a commute I couldn't afford before they finally got the picture. Ugh, it was awful.

Oh gosh even for our WEDDING we got gift certificates to hotels we couldn't ever use because it would have cost so much to get there - and sometimes the gc didn't even cover the whole expense of being there. To this day, I feel awful about those trips we didn't take - but also, we were just broke at the time. Broke broke broke.

Anyway, it sounds like this isn't OP and her friend's situation - but yes, always be mindful if your gift is actually going to end up being a financial burden. If you can!

OP - it sounds like you're handling this perfectly. And what a lovely gift. I hope you and Jane have a great time.

Wow, those were truly terrible presents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't lie. I'd say "I am sorry, I made a mistake. When I bought the tickets, I intended for the weekend to be your birthday gift. I should have said no when you offered to pay for the hotel. I'd really like to pay. Would you allow me to?"

I am the lower income friend in this dynamic, multiple times, and being lied to feels very condescending. It's not an easy dynamic to navigate from either side, but honesty helps.

This is really good too. -- original replier.