Parents who left jobs to stay home, how did your kids react?
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Anonymous
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If your kids were old enough to be aware of you quitting your job to stay home, how did they react? Did they welcome it, or were they indifferent?
My 4 year old DD tells me she wants me to play with her instead of working, even though DH is her favorite parent. We both WFH and our nanny who's been with her since birth comes to our house to take care of her. She loves our nanny, and doesn't come hunting for me or DH during the day. My job has gotten super stressful so I've been thinking about quitting anyway. If I do quit to stay home, I wonder if DD would love it initially during the honeymoon period, but then be no happier than if I continued to WFH. |
Anonymous
| I encourage you to make this decision based on what you think would be better for you and the family dynamic overall. Of course your child will be happier to have even more of your time and attention but it sounds like she is very happy and well-cared for either way. |
Anonymous
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Agree you should not base this decision on what your 4 yo says she wants right now. Not because her needs don't matter, but because what she says she wants is just a sliver of what she actually needs at this age, and your job is to step back and look at the big picture.
One thing about being a SAHM to this age is that they are really outgrowing that cuddly baby phase. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are lots of cuddles. But there are also meltdowns and, perhaps more difficult, a lot of assertions of independence. You really have to roll with it. It's all normal and healthy, but if you are envisioning SAHMing with a child this age as being just cuddly and easy with lots of bonding time, I would also consider that this is the age where your really have to figure out discipline, limits, and really start teaching your child how to regulate emotions and manage tough feelings like disappointment, jealousy, anger, etc. It is not cake. It's work. No one has ever put me through my paces quite like my 4 yo when I was at home with her. And she's a sweet, loving kid and we have a good relationship. But she worked me over! There were absolutely days when I thought that it would be better for me, personally, if a professional was dealing with some of those challenges and I was back at work. I don't regret staying home, but when you are in the middle of it, it's not this blissful domestic scene. Be ready for that. |
Anonymous
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You should make this decision based on what YOU want, both now and long term.
Your kid will be fine either way. But your kid will be happiest if YOU are happier. So do what you want. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I don't know what I want, but I do know that DH does not want me to stay home and thinks I won't be happy doing so. Part of why I used to love my job was because every single day and project was very different. I also have a 1 year old baby, so I could end up even more stressed as a SAHM than WFH. |
Anonymous
A 1-year old and a 4-year old are definitely more stressful than most WFH jobs with a full-time nanny. But also potentially more rewarding if you are bored with your job. A lot of people told me they thought I'd be bored as a SAHM when I became one (similar aged kids) because I have an advanced degree and had a fairly demanding job with a lot of challenges and responsibility. I think it can depend on your disposition, but I was not bored. I was one of those SAHMs who does a lot of research on child development. I'm also the kind of person who likes learning everything there is to know about a new thing every other week. As a SAHM, this topic could be "picky eating and how to address it" but it could also be "the planetary system" as something for my preschooler and I to explore together. I also got really into art, polished off my rusty Spanish (on my own and also just talking to nannies at the playground -- great practice), read a ton of classic Children's literature, and visited a lot of museums and gardens (and learned about a lot of art and plants alongside my kids). There was really no reason to be bored. I think people get bored as a SAHP when they are used to being very externally motivated. So people who are very motivated by deadlines, competition with colleagues, fear of disappointing the boss or client, etc. As a SAHM, you don't really have a ton of external motivation except your kids letting you know when they are hungry and tired (but you get good at it and that doesn't happen so often). I'm someone who is very good at internally motivated, figuring out what I love about a role and digging in, coming up with my own projects and structuring my own schedule in a way that works for me. So being a SAHM was really great for me. It also became the precursor for me staring my own business when my kids started school, because I had discovered that I was pretty good at being my own boss. Not sure I would have done that were it not for the my time as a SAHM. Personally, it was a huge growth period for me and I think I'm smarter and better at my job than I was before. Just my two cents. |
Anonymous
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You don’t quit your job because your 4 year old says they want to play with you more. And really, you don’t quit your job over your husband’s objections (imagine if he did that) — unless the situation is already toxic between the two of you, in which case you have other issues to solve.
There may be totally good reasons to quit your job, but you need to better articulate what they are and get your husband on board with your plan. |
Anonymous
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My kids were 3, 5, 7 and 9 when I quit to be a stay at home mom. It’s been a very positive experience for my family, but YMMV. It’s so personal!
In my case, the older two are much happier - probably not just because I’m SAH, but because they didn’t love our nanny and now I’m able to meet their needs in a way I wasn’t when I was working. The younger two haven’t voiced anything specific but they also seem happy to have me home. I definitely wouldn’t have made this decision only because my child wanted it; look at the big picture and consider what’s right for your family. But yes, I am an example that it can be a wonderful change! |
Anonymous
| How does one become a SAHM with a DH who doesn't want that? I'm confused. |
Anonymous
| Honestly my kids never really cared one way or the other. They have been in daycare, we have had au pairs, I've been home with them for stretches while out of work, we were all locked together during COVID, I've worked out of the house and worked from home. The kids get used to any new situation after a bit and it just seems like normal to them. |
Anonymous
What's confusing? |
Anonymous
OP is "thinking about quitting" her job to SAH even though she expressly said her DH is opposed/against it. People do this? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. |
Anonymous
| Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint so to need to think about this I. The long term. If you choose to stay home will it mean she can’t do the extra curriculars she wants, or go to her preferred college, or in her adulthood have a mother who is economically dependent on her, or guilt trips her over the career she sacrificed? |
Anonymous
It's a joint decision, but what OP describes doesn't sound like he's dead set against it. The only reason OP has mentioned for why her DH is opposed is that he does not think she would like it. He may be worried she'll be bored or that she'll start to resent it and it could impact their relationship. Or he may like seeing her as a professional and can't wrap his head around her embracing a more domestic and maternal identity. Those are all objections that I think OP could justifiably say, "I understand your concern but this is something that feels right to me and I need to do." Because they are about how her DH sees her, and have nothing to do with practical objections to arranging their lives that way. Now, if DH's opposition is due to money or other practical family planning concerns, totally different ballgame. But OP has not indicated that her becoming a SAHM would be a financial burden or pose other practical problems for them. |
Anonymous
Agree you have to think longterm, but sometimes having a SAHM means you CAN do extra-curriculars you wouldn't otherwise. Some activities are extremely hard to manage with two full-time working parents. Especially with multiple kids. See the current thread on how the heck a dual-income family gets multiple kids to and from school and activities during the week when the vast majority of that stuff happens during school hours. OP has a nanny but do they intend to keep her once the kids are in school? Is OP's job flexible enough to accommodate multiple activities between two kids? And so on. Agree on the money piece. I certainly wouldn't become a SAHM on a long-term basis if it would torpedo my retirement, or if I'd resent my kids for it. Though there are also options to SAHM for a few years, or even move into freelance/contracting positions for a time to maximize your flexibility while keeping your skills/resume current. I did that for 3 years after my second was born and zero regrets about that. Returned to work with no issues and no actual resume gaps (contracted for my prior employer, just a few projects a year, throughout, so kept references and skills fresh most of the time didn't work at all). |