how can mother develop better relationship with DD

[Anonymous]

DD is 21 and only kid. She graduated college and works and lives separately but visits us during holidays.

When she visits, she has very high expectations and some of these expectations confuse me.

Like she complains that we never take good family pictures and when I am try to take pictures she gets irritated.
I think she may not like mother (me) that much and I try to stay away from her to give her space and she says we do not communicate well. I try to communicate more and it becomes a debate.
I prioritized my career to keep myself busy and she complains about that.
When I take time out and request her to sit and talk with me, she is not interested.

DH mostly stays out of all these discussions etc.

I feel bad even thinking that I want to request her not to visit me.
Is this how most mother-daughter relationships are? Does it ever get better?

[Anonymous]

I recommend going to therapy and discussing this. You may need to unpack some things from (1) your own childhood and relationship with your own mother, and (2) some of how you parented your DD. My guess is that you may have some family dynamics that you are unaware of but that your DD, after spending some time out in the world and around other people, has concluded are unhealthy or don't work so well for her. You may be resistant to that because you haven't had her same experiences, you may not understand how or why these dynamics have become problems for her.

In addition to therapy, I recommend keeping as open a mind as possible. Don't accept abusive behavior from her, but stay open minded to criticism she may have. When she expresses anger about your focus on your career, consider that what she is really saying is that she felt she was not your focus and this hurts her. Instead of looking for ways to justify your choices, try simply acknowledging her feelings and expressing empathy for her if she felt neglected or ignored. You can both be "right" and have valid feelings. Acknowledging the validity of her feelings can be a powerful way of showing her that view her experience and feelings as equal to yours, as opposed to a hierarchy in which your feelings or experiences are always primary. This can go a long way towards creating a mutually respectful adult relationship.

Also, instead of asking her to spend time with you and talking, see if there are things you can do together but don't insist on talking. Cook a meal together. Does she have hobbies she enjoys? Ask if she will teach you something from them or share them with you in some way. You could join her at a baseball game, have her teach you some yoga, accompany her to the farmers market, etc. She is creating a life for herself. Let her invite you into it, instead of always asking her to leaver her life and come into yours.

[Anonymous]

Ask her about her. And listen. Really listen. Don't offer advice or how to do something. Shes a young adult still trying to separate from her parents and its natural to push back on everything. Ask if shes like to do a regular call like once a week or so. My relationship with my mother was challenging between 20-30. Got much better after i had kids. There was a lot of unsolicited advice and comments to make me better whether in dress or hair or suggestions on more schooling etc. She didn't tell me she was proud of my achievements and i didnt share any details because they got judged even though it all came from a place of love. We both moved well beyond that and now im 40 and she is chiller and i have thicker skin and we talk every other day about everything (work, kids, vacations, news etc).

[Anonymous]

A lot of issues, it certainly sounds like you do not like her. I hate this saying because it’s overused but you need to meet her where she is. Asking her to sit and talk is not doing that. Find out what she enjoys doing and then do that with her. Do fun things, active things.

[Anonymous]

Instead of having her home for holidays, plan a family trip so you are together focus is on new things. It may help reset relationship dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Ask if she'd like you to hire a professional photographer for a family photo shoot. When she complains you two never talk, what she means is she doesn't like the way you listen. You are probably either disapproving or offering solutions when she doesn't want them. or making suggestions that are either offensive (you're upset - are you getting your period?) or useless in her particular situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your daughter want a better relationship? What does she think of your relationship now? I think you need to put some of this on her if she complains about something rather than trying to fix it right away ask her to propose a solution. I don't think you need to automatically try to "fix" every problem she brings up. Also make sure that you respect yourself if your daughter is being rude or disrespectful there is no need to tolerate that.
My daughter said some nasty things to me and I simply let her know that I was not her emotional punching bag. I don't have to be in her life and if she wanted a relationship then she needed to be respectful, if you wouldn't treat a friend this way then don't do it to me. It was rocky for a while but now we're good. I find that a lot of parents on DCUM are emotional prisoners of their children, not me! I'm fine on my own and its just not worth it to debase myself to have a relationship with adult children.
Children are emotional vampires they will take as much as you are willing to give. Make sure that you protect yourself. Good luck

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 21 and only kid. She graduated college and works and lives separately but visits us during holidays.

When she visits, she has very high expectations and some of these expectations confuse me.

Like she complains that we never take good family pictures and when I am try to take pictures she gets irritated.
I think she may not like mother (me) that much and I try to stay away from her to give her space and she says we do not communicate well. I try to communicate more and it becomes a debate.
I prioritized my career to keep myself busy and she complains about that.
When I take time out and request her to sit and talk with me, she is not interested.

DH mostly stays out of all these discussions etc.

I feel bad even thinking that I want to request her not to visit me.
Is this how most mother-daughter relationships are? Does it ever get better?

This sounds very uptight/stressful, like a guilt trip that you made time and summoned her. I agree with pp about meeting her where she is. It is worth the time and patience to be as available in the ways that suit your daughter. It only got better for me and my now 32 yr old daughter. Teens and early 20's can be a rough time and I found it best to be as flexible as possible.

We've always enjoyed going for walks together. My daughter calls me weekly to meet for a walk, sometimes go out to eat after. (I'm lucky that when she finished school, she moved nearby) I sometimes call or text her but I know her days off and am partly available ahead of time for her text. She is like me that we aren't big chatters on work days, we're both introverted and need our quiet. I let her guide conversations and bring up topics I feel interest her, shows we both watch or people in common. I don't lecture or ask pushy questions.

When she was your dd's age and away for school, I was available when she came back for visits but her friends were a bigger priority. It ebbs and flows.

[Anonymous]

My mom treated me like a nuisance growing up, then when I was a young adult she was so confused at my behavior to her. Did you treat your daughter like she was in the way of your career ascent? Did you not have time to connect when she was growing up? Sounds like the gap was already there before this stage. I had a similar dynamic with my mom. Then I had kids and a the sudden the vail of invisibility was lifted and she wanted to connect. It felt so wierd. Things blew up and we were no contact for a couple years.

Fast forward a decade- we have an amicable relationship now. She apologized for being a bad mom. She wasn't "bad" though she was just not a good one and I was mad that I didn't get was I needed. I was emotionally neglected. I've healed and I make sure I don't do that to my kids. My kids have a relationship with their grandparents. We will never have a great relationship, but we have a relationship and I still love her.

[Anonymous]

She was a burden to you when she was a child. You made that clear and now she resents you. Now you have a giant rift to repair. Start getting vulnerable and real. Admit your failures. Ask for a relationship. It will take work and time.

[Anonymous]

No OP. I have a 20 yo only child. We are v close. While a mother daughter dynamic can certainly be challenging at times, a close bond is totally possible.

[Anonymous]

Was she always somewhat difficult to deal with?
Some people just don’t click; unfortunately they are also sometimes related. I have a hard time relating to my son; it’s better now but I have really worked on my attitude and expectations and he has matured too.
I think it would be a mistake to ask her not to visit - maybe visit her if you can?

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel like I’m close to my adult child. But since she started college, I’ve been clear on the fact that she can choose to have me in her life. Or not. I have boundaries— I expect to be treated well. Not showered with gifts on my birthday well. But, basic politeness and common courtesy well. But, I am willing to spend time together on her terms.

I agree you need therapy. There’s a lot going on there I agree you need to listen more and ask non-judgmental, I’m really interested in learning more questions. My DD identifies as asexual. And last week was talking about her asexual friends. And I asked her in an I’m genuinely interested way if she considered herself TO be a member of the LGBTQ community. Turns out the answer is complicated, and something she struggles with. And it became a 2 hour conversation where I learned a lot about her life.

You need to be willing to do things she enjoys, even if it’s not your thing. Ask if she wants you to visit her, or if she’s more comfortable coming home. Or, if meeting on neutral ground works well. Don’t just accept a bad photos complaint. Or any complaint. Ask how it can be done better. A professional? Coordinated outfits? A different member of the family has a better eye? Ask what she would do better. Not in a defensive way. In an “maybe I could pick up some tips here” way.

Acknowledge she feels bad about the past. Listen to why. Apologize if you screwed up. And ask what the two of you can do to put that beHind you and move on.

My own mother still harps on things I did when I had PP depression with my 25 year old kid. I’ve explained. I’ve apologized. I’ve listened. Now, I’m done. If there wasn’t abuse or addiction, at some point there need to be bygones.

[Anonymous]

Fed is best!!