how can mother develop better relationship with DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel like I’m close to my adult child. But since she started college, I’ve been clear on the fact that she can choose to have me in her life. Or not. I have boundaries— I expect to be treated well. Not showered with gifts on my birthday well. But, basic politeness and common courtesy well. But, I am willing to spend time together on her terms.

I agree you need therapy. There’s a lot going on there I agree you need to listen more and ask non-judgmental, I’m really interested in learning more questions. My DD identifies as asexual. And last week was talking about her asexual friends. And I asked her in an I’m genuinely interested way if she considered herself TO be a member of the LGBTQ community. Turns out the answer is complicated, and something she struggles with. And it became a 2 hour conversation where I learned a lot about her life.

You need to be willing to do things she enjoys, even if it’s not your thing. Ask if she wants you to visit her, or if she’s more comfortable coming home. Or, if meeting on neutral ground works well. Don’t just accept a bad photos complaint. Or any complaint. Ask how it can be done better. A professional? Coordinated outfits? A different member of the family has a better eye? Ask what she would do better. Not in a defensive way. In an “maybe I could pick up some tips here” way.

Acknowledge she feels bad about the past. Listen to why. Apologize if you screwed up. And ask what the two of you can do to put that beHind you and move on.

My own mother still harps on things I did when I had PP depression with my 25 year old kid. I’ve explained. I’ve apologized. I’ve listened. Now, I’m done. If there wasn’t abuse or addiction, at some point there need to be bygones.

+1 OP, were you raised by a critical mother? Is it possible that this has become generational with you taking a turn and your daughter is now serving? What do you think she would say about her childhood and upbringing? I feel like there are large swathes missing from this story. It is normal for parental relationships to be rocky while young people struggle emotionally to mature and find their place in life, but barring this - no it is not “normal” for a daughter to be this estranged from her mother. Is your daughter struggling?