going through a hard time, have a question about faith - trigger: disabled child

[Anonymous]

I've lived a life with little turmoil and few hardships. We've been married 35 years and raised 3 children. Yes, we've had sadness, death, infidelity, cancer scares - but I think my personality is just trust God, get through it and deal with whatever comes. Then, looking back, I forget how sad or scared we were during the situation and just remember it as something we gotten through. I would say my faith has been strong, I trust God has a plan and we go along willingly.

Right now we're facing something that feels like the scariest thing we've ever faced - a newborn grandchild with a physical condition requiring multiple surgeries, along with the possibility of serious lifelong mental and physical handicaps. While we await some testing, my head is swimming with thoughts about how bleak the future could be for our grandchild, and how difficult the road will be for my own child. I'm overcome with negativity and I'm shocked by how little faith I must have.

The past couple of sermons have been about our relationship with God, our natural inclination to question the Truth and how we must have faith. It seems like God is sending me a message to believe and have faith, but I can't figure out what I'm supposed to have faith in. I prayed and prayed for the baby to be healed in-utero, and it wasn't. I'm praying now for testing to show things aren't as serious as they seem. My mind can't quit thinking the worst, though. And I know there are millions of babies affected by many diseases and parents who've lost children and disabled people who have lived hard lives - and it's not because they didn't "have faith" - so chances are my grandchild could face the same even with prayer. So this logical side of me wonders what is it I'm supposed to have faith in? If I understand many people are never healed, why should I believe my grandchild will be? And with this understanding, do I lack faith by believing God may decide not to heal him?

Or is the faith part of it just knowing, regardless of the results, we will get through?

This whole situation is making me wonder now, have I had faith as I'd thought for the past 50 years, or was I just never tested with anything so hard. When someone says you must have faith about a hard situation, what is it that we should trust will happen? I hope this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I’m not a religious person but the mom of a child with special needs. Your faith is that God will give you the strength to support your child and grandchild no matter what happens. A caring grandma is a huge gift and now you will understand it truly.

[Anonymous]

God doesn't do anything for other people on your behalf. That's between God and them.
Your hands are God's hands. God inspires you to act.

[Anonymous]

Having faith doesn't mean that God will make everything like you hoped it would be. Magical thinking is that you can pray and have faith and your grandchild will be healed. That is using God like a magic wand to fix everything.
Having faith is believing that even if the bad thing happens, you will get through it. You will find the strength to support your grandchild and it's parents in the ways they need.

I find that some people with "faith" use the fact that they prayed away the bad thing as proof that their faith was the thing that did it. It's a subtle belief that as long as they are a good (insert religion) that God will take away the bad thing. And unconsciously believe that when bad things happen to other people, it's because they didn't pray enough or have deep enough faith. Then when a bad thing happens to YOU, your underlying belief is shaken. "I'm so good. I pray, I have faith, I'm good to others, How can God let this happen to me?"

I's the difference between believing God is a puppet master controlling things, vs God is a clock maker that made the clock and set things in motion, but does not control the clock.
You have now discovered that God is a clock maker. Your prayer and faith had no bearing on the outcome. And prayer and faith aren't about getting the outcome you desire. It's about connecting to the clock God created. It's about finding peace in the universe as it is, not how you want it to be.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure this forum is where I would come for religious advice. If this is a real post, and you are having a crisis of faith. Speak to your pastor/priest. They will be able to help you make sense of tragedies within your belief system.

[Anonymous]

I think the blessing is the condition. It’s forcing you to consider the value of life itself.

[Anonymous]

This helped me to cope with my child nearly dying and having lifelong disabilities. I’ve read it so many times, I think I have it memorized:

https://therumpus.net/2011/10/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-88-the-human-scale/

It’s long, I know, but it helps.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. The unanswered prayers are awful. I’ve been there recently crying myself to sleep every night.

This is a blog post from a woman (she was on America’s Got Talent) who had cancer and died at age 31. She shares some of her story in it and about her answered prayers. It was shared at my church a few months ago in a sermon about unanswered prayers. I can share the sermon too if you want.

https://www.nightbirde.co/blog/2021/9/27/god-is-on-the-bathroom-floor

[Anonymous]

I'm the mom of a child with special needs. Medical also.

I'm also a very religious person. I found there is a grief period with every setback. Give yourself time. The faith will come back. Every time we have a new diagnosis or problem, I go through the same process.

[Anonymous]

There’s also a book Everything Happens for a Reason (and Other Lies I’ve Been Told) that may be helpful. It’s a common response to people looking for answers to why God doesn’t answer prayers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s also a book Everything Happens for a Reason (and Other Lies I’ve Been Told) that may be helpful. It’s a common response to people looking for answers to why God doesn’t answer prayers.

Along the same vein, a book called, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People."

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. It might help to remind yourself that God loves all his children, not just the kids who grow up to found tech companies. When my cousins were writing off their son who was born with little more than a brain stem, my mom pointed out (to us at least) that God loves that son, as well, and rejoices in his triumphs on his scale.

[Anonymous]

Reread the book of Job.

[Anonymous]

This is how I became an atheist. Something horrible happened to me, and I prayed and prayed and prayed for help, and didn't get it. In the end, I helped myself. I have faith in nothing now except myself. I am far more reliable than a mythical being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I’m not a religious person but the mom of a child with special needs. Your faith is that God will give you the strength to support your child and grandchild no matter what happens. A caring grandma is a huge gift and now you will understand it truly.

+1 I am a religious person and this is exactly the right thing to say.

Someone else already recommended the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People and I second the recommendation. It's an excellent book and it doesn't pretend to answer why bad things happen, because no good can come from that exercise. We just don't know why and knowing "why" wouldn't change the situation. What we do and the support we give to each other is what matters. Your faith can give you strength and community support when you need it, if you let it.