Help me make a plan

[Anonymous]

Hi all,
I live in NOVA. My parents are a five hour drive away. I have an 8 year old child and his father lives far away and sees him infrequently.

My mom has a new breast cancer dx. Following her lumpectomy we found out there is lymph node involvement and she will be doing chemo and radiation.

Here are the problems. My father is in his 80s and so difficult and demanding. He’s mobile and sound of mind but lots of mobility issues and now getting hard of hearing, and also has anxiety. He has made my mom’s cancer all about him. I know it’s rocking his world and he just needs someone to talk to but I’m not that person. He’s from another culture and wants to be waited in and catered to and adored, and I can’t do it. He’s high maintenance when sober and after his evening cocktail he’s incredibly irritating and needy.

Due to my child’s father living far away, during the school year I am my son’s sole caregiver. My mom will start chemo in the fall and 1) she needs someone to support her and 2) someone needs to cater to my father or his anxiety will be even more toxic and stressful for my mom.

My brother lives on the west coast. He might be able to help out but he’s struggling bc his job is not at all flexible- he has a ton of expenses and his wife was dx bipolar and can’t work. They have a middle schooler.

Financially, the are still working. They run a small mom and pop business selling luxury goods, and I’m so paranoid sometimes that someone will see how fragile they are and rob them. They earn a pittance and sometimes take a loss. They have a nice amount of home equity and live in a home that is beautiful but unsafe for them due to the stairs. They have a few hundred k in savings and a mortgage.

I’ve set them up to meet an attorney to do their estate and Medicaid planning.

I need a plan to get mom through chemo and figure out how to deal with dad management. And I need a longer term plan to get them into a better living situation and get them out of their retail business.

I wfh so can work anywhere. I have space for them in my home and so does my brother. With my child’s father leaving, my brother occupied with his own troubles, and my father just useless, I can feel my mom’s worry and sadness that this is all coming down on me. She has amazing friends and a very strong community of friends but no other family.

[Anonymous]

That’s a lot OP and I’m sorry. If you don’t want to uproot your kid I’d suggest bringing mom and dad here to stay with you but that just puts so much more on your plate. If it was just your mom it may be doable but your dad will need to come and it sounds like he’s somewhat of a needy child in his own right. Can you move them into an assisted living place or even an independent living place near you so your dad can have some other interactions with people their age while you focus on your mom’s treatment?

How old is your mom? My mom’s doctor stopped suggesting some treatments when she hit the late 70’s because the treatments were almost worse than the underlying medical condition. My dad passed away from lung cancer and in retrospect we would have declined treatment for him if we could do it again, and he was 70 when he was diagnosed. I’m not saying to not treat your mom’s cancer but I’m suggesting you open dialogue with the doctor about what it entails.

[Anonymous]

Hi thanks for replying. Mom is 72 and I’m hoping the treatment will not be too hard on her. I would be fine moving them to DC, even dad, bc I would definitely hire someone to help me out. Kid has an established routine and it would be a lot easier to fold them into my life as opposed to uprooting myself. I’ll ask the doctor if that is a good option.

[Anonymous]

Hi all,
I live in NOVA. My parents are a five hour drive away. I have an 8 year old child and his father lives far away and sees him infrequently.
She has amazing friends and a very strong community of friends ~ She has not asked you for help
They have also not asked you to change: Where they live. Where they work. How they interact as a couple.

I say this not to make you feel bad. You are a loving daughter. You want the best for them
BUT you are taking-on too much.
One step at a time. You will need to visit your Mother, yes. You will need to continue to set boundaries with your Dad.
Try on know all re: their finances. Then -you- may need to be the one to research other living options IF they have the money

[Anonymous]

sorry ... I messed up the beginning of the pp, copied Op's

[Anonymous]

What happens if you engage in straight talk with your dad, about the effect of his anxiety on you and your mom? Would he consider going to a therapist/taking medication? Is he going to be helpful at all—will he bring your mother juice, etc?

If he is as toxic as you say, no way should he live with you and your kid. No way. Don’t do it!

How old is your mom? Does she *like* the business?

Are they of sound mind? How do they see their future? What have their friends done?

[Anonymous]

Which hospital is better for cancer treatment - the one where she lives or the one closer to you? Does insurance cover both?

Some bigger cancer hospitals - like MD Anderson - have patient care advocates that can help with lots of logistical stuff, like rides to and from chemo, and meals. They can also provide mental health services. I would consider which hospital has the best treatment options and resources available to her/you.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for all you have going on. I have been there. My mom was the toxic one and dad had cancer. Mom even kept saying she would divorce him because this wasn't her job.

1. Find a therapist with expertise here. You cannot rescue and you seem to have some magical thinking. If dad is difficult now, it will bot get better with this all in your home and you risk subjecting your own offspring to trauma over and over between dad's bad behavior and mom's decline.

2. Don't expect anything from your brother. He has to decide what he can do. Be grateful for anything friends do and don't give them assignments.

3. Hire an aging care expert to assess their ongoing needs and manage things likes aides. They can offer aides who drive her to appointments. You can always join by facetime if mom allows it. The aging expert can get a better idea of it they can still manage working.


4.) It may be worthwhile to let dad's doctor know your concerns about how he is coping so he can be screened. Sometimes doctors are better at convincing elderly to take meds like anti-anxiety drugs that can help with toxic behavior. Without a release the doctor cannot tell you anything, but can certainly use info from your message.

5. Consult with the aging expert on residential options where they are and what their different needs might be. There also may be day programs in the area where your mom can rest in a different setting with trained professionals around, participate as she wants and give dad a break.

6. Do they belong to a religious organization? If so, get mom's permission to let them know the situation so their community service group can do things like provide meals and rides now and then.

it's messy. Someone may take advantage at work. There will be all sorts of things that happen. You do your best to focus on prevention, but you must take care of yourself and offspring first.

[Anonymous]

I would start with the most important thing to do first -- get the estate planning in order. POAs, AMDs, wills. It's just a mess if it isn't done and sometimes it's done poorly where only the spouse is listed with no successors.

Definitely need to know their assets before you can figure out next steps for them.

If your father has a drinking problem I would not bring him around your son. Could he go to a neurologist because I worry there is something more going on? Anxiety, loss of empathy, difficult behavior could be his personality or it could be something else.

I'd also push for them to retire completely, just because the business sounds like it has no upside.