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[quote=Anonymous]I am sorry for all you have going on. I have been there. My mom was the toxic one and dad had cancer. Mom even kept saying she would divorce him because this wasn't her job.

1. Find a therapist with expertise here. You cannot rescue and you seem to have some magical thinking. If dad is difficult now, it will bot get better with this all in your home and you risk subjecting your own offspring to trauma over and over between dad's bad behavior and mom's decline.

2. Don't expect anything from your brother. He has to decide what he can do. Be grateful for anything friends do and don't give them assignments.

3. Hire an aging care expert to assess their ongoing needs and manage things likes aides. They can offer aides who drive her to appointments. You can always join by facetime if mom allows it. The aging expert can get a better idea of it they can still manage working.

4.) It may be worthwhile to let dad's doctor know your concerns about how he is coping so he can be screened. Sometimes doctors are better at convincing elderly to take meds like anti-anxiety drugs that can help with toxic behavior. Without a release the doctor cannot tell you anything, but can certainly use info from your message.

5. Consult with the aging expert on residential options where they are and what their different needs might be. There also may be day programs in the area where your mom can rest in a different setting with trained professionals around, participate as she wants and give dad a break.

6. Do they belong to a religious organization? If so, get mom's permission to let them know the situation so their community service group can do things like provide meals and rides now and then.

it's messy. Someone may take advantage at work. There will be all sorts of things that happen. You do your best to focus on prevention, but you must take care of yourself and offspring first.[/quote]

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