Taking care of yourself

[Anonymous]

Since my daughter’s diagnosis 3 years ago I’ve spent all of my free time working with her different therapists and doctors, joining various groups, reading the latest research, and working with her at home. I’m just so exhausted and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I just saw a picture of myself from a recent family trip and I don’t recognize myself, I’ve gained 40 pounds and look a decade older. I have 2 older typically developing kids and parenting them didn’t wear on me like this. How does anyone balance the needs of your SN child with your own health and sanity?

[Anonymous]

I came to the harsh realization that nothing we do is going to fundamentally change the outcome of my kid’s life. It was actually freeing because I could stop thinking that if I had just tried this parenting technique or that therapy when he was younger, things would be totally different.

I stopped therapy that didn’t seem to be helping. I also stopped looking at research- none of it could realistically be implemented by me anyway. And I let a lot of small things slide (like if I think it will cause a meltdown at bedtime, I won’t force brushing of teeth.)

It’s still hard and time consuming, but I try hard not to let it be all-consuming. It’s not good for anyone in your family, if life revolves around one kid’s special needs. (And it’s so easy to let that happen because by necessity they dictate so much, but whenever there is some flexibility, I take it.)

[Anonymous]

I prioritize myself. I make time for exercise (and money for the gym memberships and classes) and grocery shopping. I make time to spend doing fun things with my family and for my hobby that gives me some space and peace. And I take care of everything else including my job, all my kids and extras necessary for my kid with special needs.

I’m with PP in that I don’t think there’s a magic bullet so if I miss something I have no guilt and I don’t worry that I’ll miss something because nothing is magic. That frees me to not elevate one kid over the needs of all individually and the group as a whole.

[Anonymous]

I left the private sector, found a therapist for ME, and read "Welcome to Holland" many times to help bring me some peace and acceptance. This simply doesn't work if I do not prioritize myself. As trite as it is, putting my oxygen mask on before DC's is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came to the harsh realization that nothing we do is going to fundamentally change the outcome of my kid’s life. It was actually freeing because I could stop thinking that if I had just tried this parenting technique or that therapy when he was younger, things would be totally different.

I stopped therapy that didn’t seem to be helping. I also stopped looking at research- none of it could realistically be implemented by me anyway. And I let a lot of small things slide (like if I think it will cause a meltdown at bedtime, I won’t force brushing of teeth.)

It’s still hard and time consuming, but I try hard not to let it be all-consuming. It’s not good for anyone in your family, if life revolves around one kid’s special needs. (And it’s so easy to let that happen because by necessity they dictate so much, but whenever there is some flexibility, I take it.)

+1

[Anonymous]

I read "Real Self Care" and read my notes and try to implement it daily. It really helped me with the "how to" part of self care and realistically integrate it into a life where the appointments and bureaucracy isn't really going to stop.

[Anonymous]

My kids needs manifested about the same time we had a big move and I had a job transition. I never went back to work. I realize I'm tremendously lucky in that regard but I don't see how you can stay sane with two working parents and the low energy DH that I have. I also spend a tremendous amount of time seeking out resources and educating myself about therapies, techniques, specialists. I take a lot of the school hours for me. If I didn't I wouldn't be fit to parent.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAH mom and if I did not have that time to give to myself, I would not be able to function.

[Anonymous]

I found my own therapist who continually challenges and encourages me in taking care of myself in manageable ways. It’s been a huge mindset shift.

[Anonymous]

Struggling with this now. My kid is in a school that is 45 minutes away and by the time I get him there and back with all the battles I am wiped and the morning is almost over. Then I have a few hours until I get him again.

I work from home on a project basis but I have done nothing so far this week and I am wondering how to get my act together. Even when it comes to exercise I am so wiped out emotionally right now.

Maybe it will get better after he gets into the routine of things at school and it is not a battle every day.

So basically I have lots of great ideas but don't put them into action b/c I am teetering on burnout right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Struggling with this now. My kid is in a school that is 45 minutes away and by the time I get him there and back with all the battles I am wiped and the morning is almost over. Then I have a few hours until I get him again.

I work from home on a project basis but I have done nothing so far this week and I am wondering how to get my act together. Even when it comes to exercise I am so wiped out emotionally right now.

Maybe it will get better after he gets into the routine of things at school and it is not a battle every day.

So basically I have lots of great ideas but don't put them into action b/c I am teetering on burnout right now.

Just start with a walk. Mind clearing and helps build your resilience and motivation to do more for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Struggling with this now. My kid is in a school that is 45 minutes away and by the time I get him there and back with all the battles I am wiped and the morning is almost over. Then I have a few hours until I get him again.

I work from home on a project basis but I have done nothing so far this week and I am wondering how to get my act together. Even when it comes to exercise I am so wiped out emotionally right now.

Maybe it will get better after he gets into the routine of things at school and it is not a battle every day.

So basically I have lots of great ideas but don't put them into action b/c I am teetering on burnout right now.

Just start with a walk. Mind clearing and helps build your resilience and motivation to do more for yourself.

Yes. Walking is the one thing I do every day, rain or shine. I think I would go nuts without it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came to the harsh realization that nothing we do is going to fundamentally change the outcome of my kid’s life. It was actually freeing because I could stop thinking that if I had just tried this parenting technique or that therapy when he was younger, things would be totally different.

I stopped therapy that didn’t seem to be helping. I also stopped looking at research- none of it could realistically be implemented by me anyway. And I let a lot of small things slide (like if I think it will cause a meltdown at bedtime, I won’t force brushing of teeth.)

It’s still hard and time consuming, but I try hard not to let it be all-consuming. It’s not good for anyone in your family, if life revolves around one kid’s special needs. (And it’s so easy to let that happen because by necessity they dictate so much, but whenever there is some flexibility, I take it.)

This. To my knowledge, there is a not a single therapy that has been subjected to a legitimately reliably study showing broad effectiveness, double blind, large enough trial group, long term outcome, etc. Lots of therapy studies of a few hundred kids, no blindness, no real objective measurement, etc. The people pushing therapies have a vested interest in pushing them. Not to say those people aren't genuinely interested in helping kids. But there's zero objectivity.

I really focus on homework, because I'm still hopefully my 2E "AuDHD" kid can get into a pretty good college. The rest? I stopped sweating it a long time ago. I focus lots on myself, and I derive a ton of pleasure from my very busy work. I also derive a ton of pleasure from hanging with DH and DS. DS is stressed being around other people and kids, so the thing we've probably been most disappointed to give up is a more robust social life. But it was just too stressful for too many years to have him around other people. Versus at home just us, he's a (nerdy, quirky) pleasure. Now that he's a teen, mom and dad's social life is coming back.