Squeezed by teenagers and declining parents

[Anonymous]

I just got back from a trip to check in on my aging parents. They are both declining in different ways - one is virtually immobile and the other is so angry that I am wondering if it is early dementia. The immobile one is obviously depressed, doesn't have much to say or seem to want company, won't accept suggestions for how to make life better. The angry one just follows me around venting about my other parent - what a horrible person he is, how he's emotionally abusive, etc. There is slight truth to some of it, but mostly it is spiraling thoughts. Mom is from the generation that believes that sharing problems outside of the family isn't right. She is charming and light with her friends and my brother. But I get the full toxic dump every time we are on the phone or in person. It has been like this for 30 years but it has gotten worse. I have tried to set boundaries and explain to her how hurtful it is for her to share such personal, negative things with me about my dad, but she just tells me I'm selfish and that she has no one else to talk to.

On the other hand, I have been through several tough years with my own kids, and they are all doing well now, but I have been on the receiving end (rightfully so) of their angst.

I have health issues myself and don't feel like I have the bandwidth to endure my parents' problems (and behavior), but I am all they have. I also am sad for them that their lives have come to this. I don't feel like it is realistic to think they are going to change a lifetime of unhealthy patterns (both had abusive parents, themselves) so that's another sadness. It is like I've seen the ghost of the future, though, and it motivates me to work on my marriage and maintain healthy, respectful relationships with my adult children.

But for now, I need to figure out how to help my parents while protecting myself. Ideas? Anyone else feel like this?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like middle age

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, having gone through very similar myself, especially the toxic mom behavior.

Gray rock her. You have to tune her out. I came to that conclusion belatedly, when she was in her final year after receiving a terminal diagnosis. I had a lot of unresolved anger and needed to protect myself, yet at the same time I was also all she had. So mentally I distanced myself.

Also, involve your brother more. My brother lived across the country but when I made clear that we needed him more, he showed up.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way you can rope in your brother?
You can tell him that you've reached your limit and need to step back a bit, and he has to do some visiting and checking-in. When your mother calls, don't pick up unless you're ready to hear the litany. Don't visit unless your brother can't make it.

I am an only child and my parents are similar to yours. I've also had a challenging experience parenting one of my kids, who has special needs. The other is a feisty teen right now. It's difficult, and if I had a sibling, I would try to share the load with them.

[Anonymous]

I would say rope in the brother, too, but we tried that with my brother, and he's still kinda MIA. I hope you have better luck with your brother.

[Anonymous]

They both need talk therapists. I’m wondering if you could get them started and then they could have regular biweekly appointments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They both need talk therapists. I’m wondering if you could get them started and then they could have regular biweekly appointments?

I was thinking a therapist too if she just needs to vent and air private frustrations

[Anonymous]

Focus on pragmatic health care decisions for them

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks for all the ideas and support. I WISH they would do therapy but they have never been open to it and don't perceive that there's a problem here. I will try and rope my brother in a bit more. He is across the country and less flexible than me for travel, but he could take on my mom's venting at least. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I feel you. For what it’s worth, I’ve leaned into my teens. I listen to my parents’ rants but I put a time cap and I let it go in one ear and out the other. I too have a brother who purposely avoids this. I don’t have extra energy to tell him to handle the emotional parts. So I save myself as best I can.

[Anonymous]

am in this situation. I don't think that the suggestions that your parents should have therapy is a good one, that's not going to work at this phase of the game. However, you should think of having this support as it will not get easier with them on how to handle the child-parents grown up situation, setting the boundaries and also how to digest seeing your parents health declining and being diplomatic and mature about this all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for all the ideas and support. I WISH they would do therapy but they have never been open to it and don't perceive that there's a problem here. I will try and rope my brother in a bit more. He is across the country and less flexible than me for travel, but he could take on my mom's venting at least. Sigh.

Do that. And don't feel the need to jump in when he drops the ball. You need to reframe your entire role here. There will be plenty of actual physical injuries or illnesses you'll have to deal with - the venting can fall through the cracks.

[Anonymous]

You might also want to take your mother to a doctor who can do an assessment for dementia. Hopefully she can be persuaded to do that.

I recently broached that topic with my father, who is exhibiting mild signs of dementia. Interestingly, his symptoms decreased significantly. It could be only temporary, but it's interesting that once he realized dementia was on the table, he made an effort to not come across that way. Might get a bit of reprieve that way, OP, and also once symptoms start to increase again, you'll know she can't control herself anymore.

[Anonymous]

Get your parents proper medication, aging related mood disorders often get ignored but treatment can make life bearable for elderly and their caregivers. Its not them who are the problem, their untreated mental health issues are. You too deserve peace of mind and not only this would help you with your relationship with your parents but also with your spouse and kids as well because in current situation you aren't good for anyone because you are taking it all as an unsolvable problem.

[Anonymous]

Go to therapy yourself. It sounds like you have been the recipient of a lot of anger from your kids, mom, etc. and had to deal with the brunt of it. Therapy can help you realize that there are some problems you can't solve. Therapy helps your outlook so you can let go of feeling like you have to fix decades of trauma.

Who takes care of your immobile father? If it is your mother she is probably at her wit's end. Especially if she has to take care of an abusive spouse. Maybe your father moves to assisted living and your mom stays in the house?