Squeezed by teenagers and declining parents

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a thread on the relationship forum about standing your ground with your spouse. the relevant part for you is that there a couple messages about not letting your spouse's anger become your anger. I think there is a good lesson for you there (me too, frankly).

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the thoughtful advice here. This must be the most supportive forum on DCUM (perhaps equal to the special needs forum). Really appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

OP - I think it is because folks see their parents age and learn to deal with their "special needs," which for many is a first. Alas for us we have a youngest daughter, just turned 40, who resides with us and I am very used to dealing with special needs. How would you like to be preparing for a "skills evaluation" inventory that will take 2 - 3 hours with a neutral evaluating person which will cover about eight different areas of skills. The goal for each skill is what would the support level need be for the disabled individual to handle a task as typical person?? Talk about nebulous and hard to predict. Yet the scoring which is not simple will set the funding level of providing services for her for the next four years. We basically would like to ignore it, but we know in the future as we age, she/we will probably need various kinds of supports. I think at the present time she has a Disability Agency Case Manager, a Medicaid Waiver Coordinator, a Medicaid Health Insurance Case Worker, a Medicare/Medicaid Case Coordinator, an Agency Job Coach, an Employer Contact, and a Volunteer Job Coach (paid). Of course, her siblings just can't wait to step in and deal with all these entities..... but that is life with one with a cognitive disability.

From this perspective, i would say it is important while your parents are not senile or physically ill to start a conversation to work with them to get their affairs at least in order for them -- not even saying they will make specific plans.
- On the Legal End get them to a lawyer who can draw up the basic documents of a will/trust agreement so that no spouse loses money in probate needlessly, POA, Heath Proxy, etc. so that they can have some help in decision making as needed.

- On the Financial End, I think they deserve the right to privacy in terms of their net worth, but start with basic financial issues like. What are their current basic monthly expenses and what are the sources of their monthly income as from Social Security, pensions, investments?

- On Insurance, what is their health insurance in terms of Medicare and then what kind of Medicare Supplement plan do they have? This is one area when there is Open Enrollment coming up each fall that you might help them review options to get the best program in terms of medications etc. You might also ask about Long Term Care insurance - do they have it or have they considered at least getting information on options if they are still healthy and likely could not "self insure.'"

- On Monthly Expenses, ---If you can get as far as monthly income covers routine housing and other costs, that would be a great first step. I would also encourage you to try to set up automatic bill pay and be sure each utility is in both spouses name as that is one issue that one does not have to deal with at the passing of the first.

- On Housing Expenses/Options - You might find that an area agency will do a "free consultation" to look at your folks home to see what they might consider doing to make it safer for them. Also, if they are looking to down-size, you might see what services are available to help one do so or develop a list of agencies and what they will take and do they do pickup, places that will send one out to take things on consignment, and when/where to donate things to as books to an annual library book sale. In other words, find a way to reduce the accummulated clutter now.

[Anonymous]

I really feel for you, op. My parents are also of the generation that doesn’t share outside the family

Have you tried telling your mother that you are worried about her mental health and that you want to get help for her? Have you tried telling your dad that you’re worried about him?

This stuff isn’t easy. My dad was in a long depression that I felt was being dealt with badly for a long time, and I even got his permission to let me speak to his psychiatrist, and nothing got better even after that. He used to sit basically catatonic on the couch watching TV.

I’m here with my parents in crisis mode right now, doing work to get help, and whenever my mother wants to complain about this person or that person in a angry ranting way, I just tell her straight up that I do not have the ability to listen because I am exhausted and need to focus on positive things to keep me going and able to help.