Aging couple with different needs... what do you do?

[Anonymous]

What do you do when one spouse is younger and healthier than the other one? I am the wife, and am in fine health; my husband is older and very disabled. Do people move to a retirement community and split up? One in assisted living, one in independent living? Can you both live in independent living, but get help anyhow for the person who really needs assisted living help?

[Anonymous]

My mom lives in a community with both independent and assisted living. You can live in IL and have a CNA come in to provide care, or you can both live in AL and have the healthier spouse participate in all the IL things in the building, such as eating in that dining room, or using the pool. I think there might be some kind of discount for the IL level spouse.

We also looked at another place that had those options and an adult daycare for individuals with dementia, who were able to stay with their spouse at night.

[Anonymous]

It depends how much help is actually needed. If he needs memory care, you probably wouldn't want to or be allowed to live on that floor with him.

The hard part is the finances, really. Sometimes it's cheaper to move together, other times it's cheaper to keep the house and just have one person move, it really depends.

[Anonymous]

This is hard but there are options. I have seen cases where healthy spouse stays in the community and disabled spouse goes into assisted living and healthy spouse visits often. You could also get an aide.

[Anonymous]

Yes, there are options as my parents moved into IL and my dad had assistance brought in for my mom who had dementia. Fortunately, a memory care unit was added to the CCRC which she went into for several months before she passed. They were most unusual in that they were about 92 when the decision was made and my dad was independent, but unable to drive after 97 until he went at 99.

More realistic is a neighbor's situation in that the spouse in his early 70s had had cancer and more recently health issues which caused him to fall and his wife who although in her mid-60s had undergone a stem cell transplant for a cancer and thus was compromised and had some continuing health issues. So, the husband actually realized that his daily life had become closed off and he spent most of the days watching tv and he needed more support. The choice was made for a local assisted living option with a bedroom and sitting room. She actually said that she has stayed over a few times, which shows the flexibility of a placement and her husband is much happier with activities and meeting folks to interact with.

It would be important for you and DH to look at the lifestyle offered in the CCRC's and for you to be sure to maintain your active lifestyle and friends. Do your research to see what the options of leaving in terms of gettng back money if there is an upfront initial payment. As an elder care lawyer here said, the devil is in "the contract details," and it pays to have a lawyer review with you so that you clearly know what your options are and not just what you think they are.

[Anonymous]

My Mother would drive her motorized scooter (she couldn't walk far) from her AS apt, across "campus" and visit my Father who was in the dementia building.

[Anonymous]

My parents had this situation- my father was 10 years older, and had dementia and COPD.

They moved into a continuing care community - same apartment at first with him in “assisted” living with addiction assistance and her as “independent” (which was less expensive).

That worked for about a year, then he moved into memory care because it was too much for my mom.

He passed away about 5 months later.

I’d encourage you to get into a CCR as soon as you can. If the disabilities are “just” physical- then same space with help. It’ll age you extremely quickly if you are solely responsible for his care.

If he has dementia, consider moving him into memory care at some point.


Not only does it seem more compassionate if you move with him, if you can get comfortable and settled into a community, it’ll be easier for you - in addition to the obvious support provided by the employee, there will be support from women in similar situations to you.

It sucks, OP, and I’m sorry. My husband is 12 years older and I anticipate this being an issue in the future.

[Anonymous]

I've seen both. One case, both went to assisted living but she was moved to memory care almost immediately so they weren't able to stay together long. I know one couple where the wife is still at home and spouse is in memory care. I know one couple in different states. He was ready to move to a retirement community in the mountains and she didn't want to leave D.C. so they sold the home and got her an apartment and he went to the home.

[Anonymous]

For some, going into a facility brings back memories of being in a dorm. The twin bed, going down the hall for meals, meeting new friends. The marriage living arrangement may change dramatically - no longer sleeping together, no longer together all the time without anyone else. Many elders have previous life experience to draw on. They weren't married to each other their whole life. My Mom talked a lot more about college.

[Anonymous]

Either your own home with CNA's for your husband or both of you in independent living and you pay extra for CNA's for your husband.

Our local assisted living will only provide 1 CNA to assist. It it takes 2 CNA's then you get thrown out and have to put the person in a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Find out if the independent living place allows you to hire your own CNA's.