Help dealing with a bulimic family member

[Anonymous]

I’m on vacation with my husband’s entire family and we’ve divided ourselves between three neighboring houses. His 25yo sister is staying with us and our 2 kids.

His sister has battled bulimia and perhaps depression for a year or longer and sought treatment for it that dug a deep hole in my in-laws’ pockets.

When we agreed to house her with us, I thought things were going better for her, but they’re not.

2 days down, 4 more to go and I need tips on how to get through it. The vacation has not been relaxing for me. She plays well with our kids but she’s an added child, is late to everything, eats 3 servings at every meal then vomits it up (she thinks she does so discretely but she doesn’t).

I’m told that her problems are the illness, and I understand that. But I have a block between understanding it in theory and applying it. Her actions annoy me, and I’m tired of seeing every meal floating up afterwards.

The family says nothing at all. The mom is too afraid of making it worse.

Please share practical tips on how I can get through these next few day.

[Anonymous]

I can see how this could be annoying, since she is making herself throw up. Try to remember this is an illness, like any other illness. Would you be annoyed if she was in her first trimester of pregnancy and dealing with severe nausea and vomiting? Totally different I know, but just like a pregnant woman does not want to be throwing up, if she was truly able to not make herself throw up, she wouldn’t be. It’s hard when the cause of this is a mental illness and not a physical condition, but try to think of it as you would a physical condition that someone does not have control over. Clearly the treatment she went through did not work. Sorry she and your family are going through this.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing that can be done on this trip to magically address her illness. So you are right to focus on practical things. Here are a few I'd suggest (note: they WILL NOT help her illness but things don't seem good as it is).

1. Is there a bathroom that you could designate just for her? Would she agree to use it?

2. What are the consequences to you / your family of her being late to things? Can you just ignore that and/or opt out of time-sensitive group activities?

3. When you say she is an "added child", what does that mean? Another person in your car? A person you are making meals for? A person you're supervising? I guess I'd suggest to really narrow in on what is bothering you and take steps to address that specifically.

[Anonymous]

Just leave her alone and stop paying attention to her when she goes to the bathroom.

She's sick and needs help but it's not your job to get her that help or to insert yourself into her health issues. You are her SIL. If someone should say something, it should be your husband.

MYOB. You aren't going to cure her bulimia on vacation.

[Anonymous]

How does her throwing up and her lateness impact you? Ignore the throwing up and don't wait for her when she is late. You didn't really describe how she is an "added child", but that is likely easily remedied as well. She can only be a child if you are treating her like one.

[Anonymous]

Magnesium supplements

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on vacation with my husband’s entire family and we’ve divided ourselves between three neighboring houses. His 25yo sister is staying with us and our 2 kids.

His sister has battled bulimia and perhaps depression for a year or longer and sought treatment for it that dug a deep hole in my in-laws’ pockets.

When we agreed to house her with us, I thought things were going better for her, but they’re not.

2 days down, 4 more to go and I need tips on how to get through it. The vacation has not been relaxing for me. She plays well with our kids but she’s an added child, is late to everything, eats 3 servings at every meal then vomits it up (she thinks she does so discretely but she doesn’t).

I’m told that her problems are the illness, and I understand that. But I have a block between understanding it in theory and applying it. Her actions annoy me, and I’m tired of seeing every meal floating up afterwards.

The family says nothing at all. The mom is too afraid of making it worse.

Please share practical tips on how I can get through these next few day.

What does the cost of her treatment have to do with anything? Would you begrudge your in-laws paying for cancer treatment dor their daughter? She's ill, she's not vomiting for fun or to annoy you. She's good with your kids; try to have some empathy and compassion. If you can designate one bathroom as "hers," do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Magnesium supplements

What do these do?

[Anonymous]

Move to a hotel. This is not a healthy dynamic for your kids to experience as normalcy. Not the bulimia itself, for sure—and even more, not everyone pretending it’s not happening.

In-laws’ finances are not your concern, or should not be if you aren’t enmeshed.

[Anonymous]

So nobody says ANYTHING to her even after you hear her vomiting? I could not be a bystander to this. I would say something to her (something sympathetic) and then find a hotel or go home. Everyone avoiding the elephant in the room is incomprehensible.

[Anonymous]

Former bulimic here. Does she know you know? Has she been public about her struggles? If so, maybe you could find time alone with her just to ask her about her—how’s life going, you doing ok?, etc. Don’t talk about food or bulimia, just try to engage her about anything else. If she’s throwing up every meal, she’s feeling incredibly anxious and out of control and is just trying to get through this week herself. It’s nice that she plays well with your kids—maybe just try to enjoy that aspect about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on vacation with my husband’s entire family and we’ve divided ourselves between three neighboring houses. His 25yo sister is staying with us and our 2 kids.

His sister has battled bulimia and perhaps depression for a year or longer and sought treatment for it that dug a deep hole in my in-laws’ pockets.

When we agreed to house her with us, I thought things were going better for her, but they’re not.

2 days down, 4 more to go and I need tips on how to get through it. The vacation has not been relaxing for me. She plays well with our kids but she’s an added child, is late to everything, eats 3 servings at every meal then vomits it up (she thinks she does so discretely but she doesn’t).

I’m told that her problems are the illness, and I understand that. But I have a block between understanding it in theory and applying it. Her actions annoy me, and I’m tired of seeing every meal floating up afterwards.

The family says nothing at all. The mom is too afraid of making it worse.

Please share practical tips on how I can get through these next few day.

Try some compassion. She has an illness.

[Anonymous]

Former bulimic here too -

It’s true there is nothing you can do to actually stop the behavior. I totally empathize with you and understand it is really frustrating and creates a tension in the house that is imposed on you. A few ideas…

- eat out to break up the routine for yourself a bit of having to sit there and know she is throwing up
- if she really is being very loud it is appropriate to pull her aside privately and say gently “are you ok? I heard what sounded like you being sick.” No, this is not passive aggressive. If you hear someone throwing up you would ask if they are ok, and pretending like you don’t is avoidance. You should not have any expectation of a certain type of response from her but it is a gentle and honest way to let her know she is heard, like literally.
- for yourself try and distract yourself and limit the amount of energy and time you allow yourself to focus on or think about her
- for next time arrange it so you do not co-habitate with her. You have kids and that is your priority.

[Anonymous]

Do bulimic's really think no one hears them? Do you think this relative was talked into coming on vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former bulimic here too -

It’s true there is nothing you can do to actually stop the behavior. I totally empathize with you and understand it is really frustrating and creates a tension in the house that is imposed on you. A few ideas…

- eat out to break up the routine for yourself a bit of having to sit there and know she is throwing up
- if she really is being very loud it is appropriate to pull her aside privately and say gently “are you ok? I heard what sounded like you being sick.” No, this is not passive aggressive. If you hear someone throwing up you would ask if they are ok, and pretending like you don’t is avoidance. You should not have any expectation of a certain type of response from her but it is a gentle and honest way to let her know she is heard, like literally.
- for yourself try and distract yourself and limit the amount of energy and time you allow yourself to focus on or think about her
- for next time arrange it so you do not co-habitate with her. You have kids and that is your priority.

Another (different) former bulimic here. Really agree with this. My MO was always total concealment and while I’m sure it wasn’t 100%, I was extremely careful that there were no remnants/evidence to be found. Any noise was covered. Honestly, if there’s no effort being made, she sounds like she’s in really rough shape and can use all the empathy you can muster.