Help dealing with a bulimic family member

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do bulimic's really think no one hears them? Do you think this relative was talked into coming on vacation?

I think most are very, very clandestine and extremely well-practiced at silent vomiting. You get really good at it. Loud wretching in a shared house seems unusual to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do bulimic's really think no one hears them? Do you think this relative was talked into coming on vacation?

I think most are very, very clandestine and extremely well-practiced at silent vomiting. You get really good at it. Loud wretching in a shared house seems unusual to me.

+1. I wonder if OP is just really attuned to it and following her around to listen outside the door. I doubt OP's kids have noticed unless OP is saying something.

Vacation homes can be poorly built with thin walls. OP, if there is loud wretching going on that everyone can hear throughout the house, I would let you SIL know that you are concerned and that you can hear her. Hopefully she'll try and be quieter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see how this could be annoying, since she is making herself throw up. Try to remember this is an illness, like any other illness. Would you be annoyed if she was in her first trimester of pregnancy and dealing with severe nausea and vomiting? Totally different I know, but just like a pregnant woman does not want to be throwing up, if she was truly able to not make herself throw up, she wouldn’t be. It’s hard when the cause of this is a mental illness and not a physical condition, but try to think of it as you would a physical condition that someone does not have control over. Clearly the treatment she went through did not work. Sorry she and your family are going through this.

I disagree. Would you allow an addict to drink around your children? I would not enable in any way. You cannot rescue her. She has to want help and do the work, but no way would I allow this around my children. I would welcome a family member with cancer and have my kids help in any way they could. I would welcome a family member with mental illness who is GETTING treatment and doing the work to be healthy. A bulimic who is throwing up where innocent impressionable kids might hear it? No way. If she is so ill she cannot stop when around innocent children then she should be near them. That behavior is absolutely contagious. It's like having someone with a severe contagious disease who is still contagious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do bulimic's really think no one hears them? Do you think this relative was talked into coming on vacation?

I think most are very, very clandestine and extremely well-practiced at silent vomiting. You get really good at it. Loud wretching in a shared house seems unusual to me.

+1. I wonder if OP is just really attuned to it and following her around to listen outside the door. I doubt OP's kids have noticed unless OP is saying something.

Vacation homes can be poorly built with thin walls. OP, if there is loud wretching going on that everyone can hear throughout the house, I would let you SIL know that you are concerned and that you can hear her. Hopefully she'll try and be quieter.

I shared a house with a bullimic in college. You absolutely hear it and smell it and find bits of vomit places. It's horrifying. Another roommate became bulimic to be as thin as the first one. It's contagious. We called her parents who didn't seem to care until she passed out one day in class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how this could be annoying, since she is making herself throw up. Try to remember this is an illness, like any other illness. Would you be annoyed if she was in her first trimester of pregnancy and dealing with severe nausea and vomiting? Totally different I know, but just like a pregnant woman does not want to be throwing up, if she was truly able to not make herself throw up, she wouldn’t be. It’s hard when the cause of this is a mental illness and not a physical condition, but try to think of it as you would a physical condition that someone does not have control over. Clearly the treatment she went through did not work. Sorry she and your family are going through this.

I disagree. Would you allow an addict to drink around your children? I would not enable in any way. You cannot rescue her. She has to want help and do the work, but no way would I allow this around my children. I would welcome a family member with cancer and have my kids help in any way they could. I would welcome a family member with mental illness who is GETTING treatment and doing the work to be healthy. A bulimic who is throwing up where innocent impressionable kids might hear it? No way. If she is so ill she cannot stop when around innocent children then she should be near them. That behavior is absolutely contagious. It's like having someone with a severe contagious disease who is still contagious.

It’s really not, at all. Unless you’ve already set your young children up to be susceptible and they’re predisposed to obsessive/compulsive behavior. And even then, not exactly contagious.

[Anonymous]

I would guess she is incredibly stressed trying to pretend that nothing is happening and she is enjoying the vacation. I agree with PP suggestion for a gentle ok and acknowledgement that reality exists. Suggestions that may be helpful try:
Are there opportunities for her to lower stress by being active or distracted during the day? Can she help or contribute in a way that makes her feel like she did something worthwhile with her day?
Are there any safe foods for her? Is there any way to eat without feeling like she lost control (smaller, healthier, portion controlled)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how this could be annoying, since she is making herself throw up. Try to remember this is an illness, like any other illness. Would you be annoyed if she was in her first trimester of pregnancy and dealing with severe nausea and vomiting? Totally different I know, but just like a pregnant woman does not want to be throwing up, if she was truly able to not make herself throw up, she wouldn’t be. It’s hard when the cause of this is a mental illness and not a physical condition, but try to think of it as you would a physical condition that someone does not have control over. Clearly the treatment she went through did not work. Sorry she and your family are going through this.

I disagree. Would you allow an addict to drink around your children? I would not enable in any way. You cannot rescue her. She has to want help and do the work, but no way would I allow this around my children. I would welcome a family member with cancer and have my kids help in any way they could. I would welcome a family member with mental illness who is GETTING treatment and doing the work to be healthy. A bulimic who is throwing up where innocent impressionable kids might hear it? No way. If she is so ill she cannot stop when around innocent children then she should be near them. That behavior is absolutely contagious. It's like having someone with a severe contagious disease who is still contagious.

It’s really not, at all. Unless you’ve already set your young children up to be susceptible and they’re predisposed to obsessive/compulsive behavior. And even then, not exactly contagious.

it is actually. Talk to the experts. It's not contagious like a cold. It is contagious because impressionable peers and younger people can emulate it. It spreads in sorority houses and among friend groups. There is also the risk in eating disorder groups that girls get new ideas from eachother. It is highly problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can see how this could be annoying, since she is making herself throw up. Try to remember this is an illness, like any other illness. Would you be annoyed if she was in her first trimester of pregnancy and dealing with severe nausea and vomiting? Totally different I know, but just like a pregnant woman does not want to be throwing up, if she was truly able to not make herself throw up, she wouldn’t be. It’s hard when the cause of this is a mental illness and not a physical condition, but try to think of it as you would a physical condition that someone does not have control over. Clearly the treatment she went through did not work. Sorry she and your family are going through this.

I disagree. Would you allow an addict to drink around your children? I would not enable in any way. You cannot rescue her. She has to want help and do the work, but no way would I allow this around my children. I would welcome a family member with cancer and have my kids help in any way they could. I would welcome a family member with mental illness who is GETTING treatment and doing the work to be healthy. A bulimic who is throwing up where innocent impressionable kids might hear it? No way. If she is so ill she cannot stop when around innocent children then she should be near them. That behavior is absolutely contagious. It's like having someone with a severe contagious disease who is still contagious.

It’s really not, at all. Unless you’ve already set your young children up to be susceptible and they’re predisposed to obsessive/compulsive behavior. And even then, not exactly contagious.

it is actually. Talk to the experts. It's not contagious like a cold. It is contagious because impressionable peers and younger people can emulate it. It spreads in sorority houses and among friend groups. There is also the risk in eating disorder groups that girls get new ideas from eachother. It is highly problematic.

Former bulimic here - yes, and it also tends to have a toxic impact on those surrounding the individual. Whether it is tension and avoidance - that perpetuates an atmosphere where things are not out in the open and secret keeping is fostered, or denial and lying - that teaches kids to suppress the truth etc… there are soooo many ways that having a mentally ill person in the community harms those around them. It ends up being tricky for everyone, not just the bulimic. Also, bulimia itself is a symptom of deeper emotional dysfunction.