SAHM divorcing a narcissist

[Anonymous]

Recently filed for divorce from an extremely abusive spouse. I have been a SAHM for the majority of the marriage-just over 10 years. Spouse trying to not pay any support or alimony. Husband is an attorney (feds) so is well connected in the courts etc…. Manipulated things to leave me with nothing (which they promised many times during the marriage). Spouse earns over 200k. Trying to get back to work, but will earn less than half what spouse earns. Spouse has done everything to disempower me. Very narcissistic and all about power and control. They are also involved in criminal activity (white collar/fraud) but seem to be immune to any repercussions. Cannot afford attorney and free ones won’t take case due to the criminal stuff which is kind of political. At a loss. Also destroyed my credit as they stopped paying my bills eg: car note, credit cards, etc…. Their sleazy attorney is doing everything to leave me with nothing. Spouse even wants me off the family Health insurance pendant light which I think isn’t even legal. Anyone else get the shaft being a stay at home mom? This is a nightmare. Currently living in poverty while I wait for a court date.

[Anonymous]

Correction: meant pendente lite.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my friend. She had to rely heavily on her parents. They supported her financially during the divorce. Her ex was AWFUL. She eventually went back to school, started a second career, met a great boyfriend. There is hope! But please see if there is anyone who can help you through this patch. Sharing custody was difficult for her, but she had no choice on that end and eventually got used to it

[Anonymous]

Lots of attorneys get divorced. The suggestion that he is “connected” to the courts and that the courts helped him get more than he deserved is paranoid. That did not happen. I can’t speak to anything else you said, but that did not happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of attorneys get divorced. The suggestion that he is “connected” to the courts and that the courts helped him get more than he deserved is paranoid. That did not happen. I can’t speak to anything else you said, but that did not happen.

Agree. Op, it’s absurd to think your husband (who sounds like some SEC attorney or similar) manipulated the courts in his divorce. People like that get divorced all the time

[Anonymous]

Yeah there’s no way the courts care if you’re a fed lawyer and you get divorced.

You’ll get whatever you’re entitled to by law.

[Anonymous]

I hit up a relative for a loan when I was in a very similar situation (SAHM, mentally ill but high functioning xH, no $ in my name, searching for a lawyer).

You MUST spend money now -- ie, get a pit bull top divorce attorney regardless of their billing rate -- to make money later (a fair settlement that credits you for your years of unpaid labor poured into the business [family] )

I can't believe 3 of the 5 first posters are punching down on OP. Real klassy, guys!

[Anonymous]

You need to suck it up and get a lawyer to fight fire with fire.

A narcissist won’t settle though. You are going to court.

[Anonymous]

I know many, many women in your situation. All needed loans from family to get through and had a very rough go until they were able to rebuild their lives and start a new career.

You will be okay, but it will be hard.

Don’t believe the bs your stbx is feeding you about his connections. That’s just laughable.

[Anonymous]

You may not be able to afford a lawyer but you are also learning you can’t not afford to hire a lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently filed for divorce from an extremely abusive spouse. I have been a SAHM for the majority of the marriage-just over 10 years. Spouse trying to not pay any support or alimony. Husband is an attorney (feds) so is well connected in the courts etc…. Manipulated things to leave me with nothing (which they promised many times during the marriage). Spouse earns over 200k. Trying to get back to work, but will earn less than half what spouse earns. Spouse has done everything to disempower me. Very narcissistic and all about power and control. They are also involved in criminal activity (white collar/fraud) but seem to be immune to any repercussions. Cannot afford attorney and free ones won’t take case due to the criminal stuff which is kind of political. At a loss. Also destroyed my credit as they stopped paying my bills eg: car note, credit cards, etc…. Their sleazy attorney is doing everything to leave me with nothing. Spouse even wants me off the family Health insurance pendant light which I think isn’t even legal. Anyone else get the shaft being a stay at home mom? This is a nightmare. Currently living in poverty while I wait for a court date.

If you are getting child support and alimony, he should not be paying your bills. If you are divorcing you need to get a job and your own health insurance as you lose your health insurance at the time of divorce unless you pay for it. If you earn 100K and child support, you will be fine and you aren't living in poverty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah there’s no way the courts care if you’re a fed lawyer and you get divorced.

You’ll get whatever you’re entitled to by law.

This. He's practicing in federal courts. Divorces are handled in county courts. Not the same judges.

[Anonymous]

I have no real good advice but want you to know that I feel for you and hope that life will turn around for you.

I was a SAHM and am married to a narcissist. I ended up getting a job 6 years ago, low paying but I've been working my way up. Started at under $30k now am at $75K. It's not much in this area but gives me some independence. And I am waiting it out until the kids are in college. It's close now but I wish I had the courage to leave him a lot earlier.

Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

OP you cannot be dropped from his health insurance mid-year without a qualifying event. Without a divorce decree signed, you’ll be covered until 12/31. But do not underestimate that you spouse will drop you during open enrollment to be effective - 1/1/24.

Start calling legal clinics at local law schools. And stop telling people stories that your spouse is involved in criminal activities. Your goal is to get divorced.

And your Fed lawyer spouse making 200k is an absolute nobody. They have zero influence over their divorce case so stop pretending that they do.

At 200k the dreams of alimony are not realistic. There is not enough money to share after child support.

You need to find a job. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hit up a relative for a loan when I was in a very similar situation (SAHM, mentally ill but high functioning xH, no $ in my name, searching for a lawyer).

You MUST spend money now -- ie, get a pit bull top divorce attorney regardless of their billing rate -- to make money later (a fair settlement that credits you for your years of unpaid labor poured into the business [family] )

I can't believe 3 of the 5 first posters are punching down on OP. Real klassy, guys!

Get over it. OP needs to be having reality-based conversations and what she posted is not. No one is going to take her serious with the tales she is spinning.