Should I tell my daughter I don’t think her boyfriend is right for her?
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Anonymous
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Here’s the situation. DD and her boyfriend have been together for 1.5 years and are very much in love. They are both almost 19 and heading to the same college in the fall. They are quite serious and even plan on getting married “one day.”
The problem? Both DD and boyfriend are very introverted and shy people who have difficulty making friends. Her father and I are both the same way, and as much as I love him. I have to admit, if I could do it over, I would marry someone who is more outgoing. I truly believe that shy people benefit from being with someone who helps bring them out of their shell. My husband and I have barely made any friends during our married lives, and I see the same thing happening with my daughter and boyfriend. I don’t want to see her make the same mistake I did. So what do I do? Do I gently tell her that they would both benefit from being with more outgoing people? How would she take that? Would she be offended and not listen? Plus I really don’t feel comfortable essentially admitting that I regret marrying her father. |
Anonymous
| For now, just sit back and let nature take its course. The odds of them staying together through college are very slim. |
Anonymous
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OP, don't tell your DD anything. Whatever your advice she may be tempted to do the opposite. as painful as it might be, you should just be a supportive observer (obv if boyfriend is abusive or emotionally damaging in anyway, its a diff't story).
Furthermore, it's highly unlikely that your DD will marry her HS boyfriend. Let the relationship run its course. |
Anonymous
| Just because you and your husband have issues doesn't mean that other introverts won't do well together. Seems premature to say anything given her age. Why risk the bad blood between you and your daughter before seeing what happens in college? |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't make it personal about the boyfriend. Just occasionally encourage patience about settling down. Discourage living together for awhile. Encourage her to make her own friends and have her own life. All these things are important, even if they DO end up getting married. She needs to learn how to live on her OWN and be independent. Focus on that, not on trying to break her up.
I'd also pay for her to study abroad, without him. And I'd make sure she's on birth control. |
Anonymous
+1 You’re doing a whole lotta projecting here, OP. |
Anonymous
| Hoping they have different majors. Encourage your DD to join clubs/activities that interest her and joining freshman year is key. Remind her that the college years are special and unique. She will most likely meet some friends for life. |
Anonymous
| To add on to my thoughts ^^. The boyfriend shouldn’t be limiting her friendships and socialization to college. Encourage each of them find their people. |
Anonymous
| Work on your own self hatred before interfering with other people's happiness. |
Anonymous
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Leave it be. Maybe you would have been happier with a more extroverted partner, but who is to say that your DH and her BF wouldn’t prefer a quiet life. There are often threads on the relationship forum about struggles between introverts and extroverts not understanding each other’s needs and causing problems with extended families etc.
But even if you’re right and your daughter would be happier with someone else, there’s no benefit from you bringing it up. My mom hated my college BF and it only made me dig into the relationship more out of spite. They are so young, chances are they will grow apart even at the same college. Or maybe they won’t and they’ll get married after all. You can just encourage her to be open to new experiences in college, meet lots of people, try lots of activities, study abroad if she can. Maybe she will become more extroverted as she grows into adulthood! |
Anonymous
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Are you a horrible person and a narcissist? Why would you sabotage your DD's relationship with a nice and kind young man?
Only a narc would do something so horrible. |
Anonymous
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You have an adult child and an instinct to meddle. This is the danger zone. It's SO EASY for you to ruin your relationship with your daughter. Here's how to think about this:
In the next 10 years, you get THREE instances where you provide unsolicited advice. Three. Over 10 years. Save them for when you need them - a drinking problem, an abusive boyfriend, a mental health issue, an immediate issue of health and safety. About to make a huge mistake. Not "blah boyfriend at 19." If you do this, she will listen those three times. If you don't, she'll get so used to screening you out, she won't ever listen to a damn thing you say, she'll never seek your counsel, AND you'll ruin your relationship. I still remember when my dad, who never gives unsolicited advice, told me very seriously to never, ever, touch flood waters when I was in a city that was flooding. It really stayed with me, and it made me take that warning VERY seriously. My mom was a steady stream of unsolicited advice (not how she would put it!) and honestly, it trashed our relationship in my 20s. It's rebuilt now, and at almost 40, we have a great relationship. But those lost years she'll never get back and I never listened to her anyway. |
Anonymous
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MYOB
I'm an introvert and am not attracted to outgoing men. At all. |
Anonymous
| What? No? You don't know what the future holds for you dd and her boyfriend. You could speculate about numerous scenarios with anyone. I'd be really annoyed if my mother said some BS like this to me. |
Anonymous
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As someone who isn’t outgoing by nature but trained myself being outgoing and making friends, I would never really be the crutch who helps another person make friends. Why should I do all the work?
What I am saying is your fantasy of her finding someone who will basically relieve her of any social labor might be just that - fantasy. |