Should I tell my daughter I don’t think her boyfriend is right for her?

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the situation. DD and her boyfriend have been together for 1.5 years and are very much in love. They are both almost 19 and heading to the same college in the fall. They are quite serious and even plan on getting married “one day.”

The problem? Both DD and boyfriend are very introverted and shy people who have difficulty making friends. Her father and I are both the same way, and as much as I love him. I have to admit, if I could do it over, I would marry someone who is more outgoing. I truly believe that shy people benefit from being with someone who helps bring them out of their shell. My husband and I have barely made any friends during our married lives, and I see the same thing happening with my daughter and boyfriend. I don’t want to see her make the same mistake I did.

So what do I do? Do I gently tell her that they would both benefit from being with more outgoing people? How would she take that? Would she be offended and not listen? Plus I really don’t feel comfortable essentially admitting that I regret marrying her father.

The only times you should to this are when the significant other is exhibiting very bad behaviors -- drugs, gambling debt, abuse, etc. Are you from a culture where parent's pick their children's spouses and feel entitled to nitpick everyone? That is way outside the norm here. Culturally, here, it is inappropriate to tell your children that you don't like their bf/gf for very superficial reasons. Shyness, looks, hobbies, those are superficial reasons.

[Anonymous]

I'm married to an introverted spouse as a low-energy extrovert and I totally see what you're saying. I've sometimes wished I had married an extroverted spouse. (I love my husband, I'm committed--but boy--life would have been easier socially with a different partner).

That said, how in the world would you go about convincing her to end things over this? In short, you can't--at least not without doing
significant damage to the relationship you have with your daughter. You'll going to have to let this play out. It's her life and her choice to make.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why y'all imagine life being easier with an incompatible parter. You can get exhausted keeping up with a social butterfly.

[Anonymous]

Prepare for the new grand baby, Nana!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prepare for the new grand baby, Nana!

There is a higher chance of grand babies with random hookups, drunk parties, frat culture, drugs, STDs and on and off short time relationships compared to a dedicated couple building future together and using birth control.

[Anonymous]

My DD, when she was a high school senior, hooked up with a young man that my wife absolutely hated and didn't think he was right for DD. Fortunately, a former colleague of mine had a good looking college freshman and he was a D1 athlete so I offered to pay him 10K to date my daughter for a few months. I had a party at my home and he came over to meet my DD, and he was much better looking than DD's boyfriend. DD broke up with her BF and it opened her eyes that she could do better than her BF. It was the best 10K I spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an introvert married to an extrovert and is has led to nothing but trouble for me. I am unhappy because I do things to appease him all the time, and he feels like I hold him back. He also thinks not wanting to go out all the time equals being lazy and boring. My self esteem has taken a big hit over the years. As it became clear that one of our children was also an introvert, he has expressed dissatisfaction with this and clearly favors our other child. The grass isn’t always greener.

+1 I had a long term relationship with an extrovert. It was exhausting. I'm glad I didn't marry him. OP, MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They may enter college as “introverts” and completely change. My sister was a totally introverted nerd at 18. After college, she’s very social, the life of the party, and throws huge parties with her big friend group. I envy her friend group. You never know what a 19 yr old will be like in 10 years.

This. I have known "introverts" who never found their crowd in middle and high school. They were awkward and self-conscious because they were different from everyone else. They got to college and found their niche with friends who were similar and appreciated them and they blossomed into extroverted people once they found out that they weren't just "weird". And others who were self-conscious about their looks, but as they matured, they either developed or become less self-conscious about their looks and became more outward-going.

OP, do not say anything now. It's very premature and they have a lot of maturing and growth so you never know how they'll turn out or if they'll stay together. Let nature take its course and let them learn about themselves before you poison the well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD, when she was a high school senior, hooked up with a young man that my wife absolutely hated and didn't think he was right for DD. Fortunately, a former colleague of mine had a good looking college freshman and he was a D1 athlete so I offered to pay him 10K to date my daughter for a few months. I had a party at my home and he came over to meet my DD, and he was much better looking than DD's boyfriend. DD broke up with her BF and it opened her eyes that she could do better than her BF. It was the best 10K I spent.

Control and manipulation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD, when she was a high school senior, hooked up with a young man that my wife absolutely hated and didn't think he was right for DD. Fortunately, a former colleague of mine had a good looking college freshman and he was a D1 athlete so I offered to pay him 10K to date my daughter for a few months. I had a party at my home and he came over to meet my DD, and he was much better looking than DD's boyfriend. DD broke up with her BF and it opened her eyes that she could do better than her BF. It was the best 10K I spent.

you are worse than a deadbeat dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prepare for the new grand baby, Nana!

There is a higher chance of grand babies with random hookups, drunk parties, frat culture, drugs, STDs and on and off short time relationships compared to a dedicated couple building future together and using birth control.

Not really. I think most girls would be much more willing to abort a pregnancy that results from a random hookup than they are from one that results from a loving relationship with a person they plan on marrying anyways.

[Anonymous]

OMG, OP, NO. NO. NO!!!

Do not say a word to your DD. This bf may be your son in law and the father of your grandchildren. Do you want to have a strained relationship with him and your daughter if/when that happens?

They may break up, but do not encourage that. It is so, so, so wrong for parents to interfere with their children's relationships. They are adults, let them work things out.

If she asks for advice, you can ask her what she thinks, but NEVER offer your opinion.

The only time it's OK to intervene is if your child is involved with a dangerous man, a person who poses a threat to her physical or mental health. This doesn't sound anything like that.

Stay out of it, OP. Keep your regrets about your own marriage to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have an adult child and an instinct to meddle. This is the danger zone. It's SO EASY for you to ruin your relationship with your daughter. Here's how to think about this:

In the next 10 years, you get THREE instances where you provide unsolicited advice. Three. Over 10 years.

Save them for when you need them - a drinking problem, an abusive boyfriend, a mental health issue, an immediate issue of health and safety. About to make a huge mistake. Not "blah boyfriend at 19."

If you do this, she will listen those three times. If you don't, she'll get so used to screening you out, she won't ever listen to a damn thing you say, she'll never seek your counsel, AND you'll ruin your relationship.

I still remember when my dad, who never gives unsolicited advice, told me very seriously to never, ever, touch flood waters when I was in a city that was flooding. It really stayed with me, and it made me take that warning VERY seriously.

My mom was a steady stream of unsolicited advice (not how she would put it!) and honestly, it trashed our relationship in my 20s. It's rebuilt now, and at almost 40, we have a great relationship. But those lost years she'll never get back and I never listened to her anyway.

This is some of the best advice I've ever read on DCUM. Bravo, A+!!! My situation was exactly the same as yours...stoic dad and chatterbox mom. And I will forever appreciate and heed his few, but always discerning, bits of advice. And I have permanently tuned out my mom, for better or for worse. Gonna really keep this in mind while raising my son, especially in his teen years and beyond.

[Anonymous]

10k Dad….did she ever find out that you PAID him? Could be a deal breaker forever for being a trusted Dad. Also, are they still dating?