Reply to He ordered WHAT?!? A lonely yawp to my pocket friends about my pathetic marriage

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[quote=Anonymous]I’ll state at the outset that in 59 levels my marriage of 11 years sucks.  Layers and layers of suck.  If Jeff could track my IP address over the past decade and see the layers of it all, it would be like excavating a mammoth of badness amid layers of ignoring red flags, weak decisions and “should have gotten out sooner”s and bad timing (including a surprise pregnancy) exacerbated by bad health and depression and financial angst and here I am, settling for at best a very distant roommate-like situation as we co-parent a child we both love very much.   He claims to love me and want to stay married but won’t actually do anything to make anything better (like, ever talk about anything, spend time together, go to therapy, do ANYTHING enjoyable together)…he basically just works, does chores around the house (lots of them, many of you would be envious) and keeps his headphones on and ignores us most of the time.

So I have goals and dreams outside of our home and I’m trying to find happiness here I can….with my child, my job, and some long term goals.  But it sucks.  I’m working on getting stronger so I can leave, but I get up really poor and I hate that I would not only lose 50% of the time with my kid but that both households would take a huge financial hit.  I hate that for all of us and most of the time stay paralyzed in this sucky sub-existence.

But today I happened to be on our family computer on my DH’s Google profile and clicked into another tab for Amazon, searching for a past Amazon order without immediately realizing it was his Amazon account to find that he had ordered a pack of thong underwear.  I don’t wear thongs.  Or anything like them.  I kept clicking.  Lots of lingerie over the last couple of years.  Many multi-packs of thongs.  I notice some patterns…he’s ordering things in what might be…his sizes?  And sex toys!  All delivered to our house.  He works from home a lot so all these Amazon packages…how can I have missed them all?  I can’t ever work from home so I guess while I’m gone he is either wearing women’s lingerie (all hiding in a cache somewhere in our house?) or meeting up with lots of different partners and giving them underwear?  None of it makes sense.  He’s not someone to out that much effort into real life relationships, so I’m guessing some kind of online fetish or something that he can indulge in here at home while we are at work and school.

I find myself not really caring so much, since I know that there is no way I could bring up, “Hey, honey, I notice you’ve bought lots of women’s underwear and sex toys on our Prime account.  What’s that all about?” without him going into a rage, lying, gaslighting, and not speaking to me for a long time.  There’s no way it would bring us closer, even if I care about him enough to honestly wish he could know that I wish him happiness and if satisfying a harmless kink about women’s underwear without shame would make him happy, I root for his happiness.  But he could never be okay with me knowing that about him.  It would violate the image of masculinity he wants to project.  I feel sad for him, because I’m actually a pretty decent and understanding person and of all the people in the world he could tell, one be a pretty safe one.  But he’ll never open up to me.

So I sit with that knowledge of this stranger I live with who is even more a stranger to me than I knew yesterday.  I know him a tiny bit better than I did yesterday but also a lot less than I thought.  I don’t even have a close friend that I could confide in about this, so I share it with you, anonymous DCUM pocket friends.

Yes, I know I need to leave.  I wish there were an app for that, like Couch to 5K.  “Emotional paralysis and depression to action, divorce, and your best life on the other side.”, but with a catchier title.  If anyone creates such a kick in the ass boot camp, sign me up.[/quote]

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