Deciding not to be around in-laws

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

Wondering if anybody here has simply stopped having contact with their spouse's family. In summary, DH has a very strained relationship with his family. In the past few years, the emotional and verbal abuse has now found its way to me. I am in therapy, and the therapist says that our kids' relationship with my husband's parents is up to my husband. And that I don't need to subject myself to their ways. We live out of the area, so it's not like we see them very often any way. But I'd like to just stop having any relationship with them at all, would prefer they go to my husband to talk to the kids, etc, and am just wondering if that's the case with anybody else, and how it is going.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but I am not proud of going NO Contact. My husband does now handle the relationship wholly. He checks in far less frequently, doesnt really send kid pics, bday presents or cards but that fits with their historical relationship dynamic of him being the withdrawn middle child. We do live on the other side of the country and my MIL will never fly so that makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

I actually love my in-laws but my husband has always done 99% of the coordinating with them. Why on earth did you ever start coordinating with people that your husband doesn’t even seem to like? You likely would never be in this mess if you had left this to your husband who likely would have had almost no contact with them. It works totally well for my husband to handle all this.

I am a person that has a family of jerks. I coordinate with them so our time together is quite limited. If my husband starting intervening to talk to them, coordinate visits, etc, I would lose my mind.

[Anonymous]

Op, you don't have to view it as an extreme thing. Many couples operate this way. I suggest you do what your therapist suggests. Get-on with the pleasant parts of your life ---- this does not need to be A Big Deal. Just do it.

[Anonymous]

I stopped when it was clear that he would get all of the praise and I would get all of the blame for any and all gestures, efforts and logistics. If we made it to a tricky event, it was him who got all the thanks and praise even though I was the one who figured out a way to take off work and I was the one who did all the packing and logistical planning. If I reminded him time after time to send flowers for his mom’s birthday, he alone got thanked, never mind that of course it was my money, too, and the card was from both of us.

But then if we decided not to go to his cousin’s destination wedding (no kids wedding and we had a baby at the time), it was me who took all the blame for the decision.

Nope! Now I leave them entirely to him and don’t even respond to needling or negative or questioning texts. MIL once texted me about being disappointed in this or that and I responded, “Take it up with the son you raised.”

[Anonymous]

Op, please explain how the in laws are verbally abusing you? Are they emailing you or calling you? What are they complaining about?

[Anonymous]

I have no contact with my in laws. Whenever someone would contact me I would tell them to contact DH. I ended up blocking them all on social media after they kept on asking for money.

[Anonymous]

I don't really have any contact with my ILs and that is definitely my preference. I used to send my MIL email updates about the kids once every month or so, out of obligation and because my DH never bothered, but when my DH got WhatsApp he joined a "family" text group with his sister, brother and mom, so I don't have to send updates any more, she gets them from him. And they live quite far away so we just don't see them.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to overcome the 'conditioning' that makes women the cruise directors. Stepping away from that role may not be as common in some families/cultures but it certainly isn’t 'extreme'.

I dropped the rope even before we were married. My now-DH's family treated me like shlt and expected me to conform to their toxic matriarchy. I declined to engage.

It wasn't always easy and DH didn't always have my back (which led us straight back to counseling) but DH eventually saw the unhealthy pattern of his family. He was free to visit with them as he liked and take the kids. The kids were also welcome to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all,

Wondering if anybody here has simply stopped having contact with their spouse's family. In summary, DH has a very strained relationship with his family. In the past few years, the emotional and verbal abuse has now found its way to me. I am in therapy, and the therapist says that our kids' relationship with my husband's parents is up to my husband. And that I don't need to subject myself to their ways. We live out of the area, so it's not like we see them very often any way. But I'd like to just stop having any relationship with them at all, would prefer they go to my husband to talk to the kids, etc, and am just wondering if that's the case with anybody else, and how it is going.

I have a SIL (she's married to my husband's brother) that doesn't get along with my in-laws and sees them rarely. My BIL/her husband brings the kids for visits and manages the relationship. My ILs don't speak very nicely about her, but they have never been hugely supportive of the marriage as a whole and the rest of us know the deal. I get along with her just fine and enjoy her company. I am thankful that she encourages and supports her husband bringing the kids to visit. It's allowed my kids to develop cousin relationships that would have been hard to do otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I have NO contact with DH crazy family anymore. I tried for many, MANY, years, decades in fact, but there is severe mental illness with frequent hospitalizations to mental facilities it was effecting my quality of life so I cut contact off myself. DH calls and checks in with them himself now (I'm no longer the middle person anymore and they no longer can stress me out and be pushy with me to come visit). He is free to call and visit himself but doesn't really make the time. It's not my problem anymore. We both had messed up childhoods and have decided to each manage our own now.

[Anonymous]

--hit submit too soon. I'm much happier not having all that drama in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to overcome the 'conditioning' that makes women the cruise directors. Stepping away from that role may not be as common in some families/cultures but it certainly isn’t 'extreme'.

I dropped the rope even before we were married. My now-DH's family treated me like shlt and expected me to conform to their toxic matriarchy. I declined to engage.

It wasn't always easy and DH didn't always have my back (which led us straight back to counseling) but DH eventually saw the unhealthy pattern of his family. He was free to visit with them as he liked and take the kids. The kids were also welcome to stay home.

This. It feels extreme, but does DH ever contact your parents directly? Arrange gifts for your siblings? Etc. Probably not. “Each spouse handles their own family of origin” is a very reasonable way to handle in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have NO contact with DH crazy family anymore. I tried for many, MANY, years, decades in fact, but there is severe mental illness with frequent hospitalizations to mental facilities it was effecting my quality of life so I cut contact off myself. DH calls and checks in with them himself now (I'm no longer the middle person anymore and they no longer can stress me out and be pushy with me to come visit). He is free to call and visit himself but doesn't really make the time. It's not my problem anymore. We both had messed up childhoods and have decided to each manage our own now.

+1

Similar. I just dropped out of the whole relationship, and don’t care about them one way or the other. DH has always had a strained relationship with them (since before he met me). He is free to call/visit them whenever, including taking the kids, but very rarely does.

[Anonymous]

OP, its inevitable that they will treat you as they treat/ed him, which will make it difficult to have a healthy relationship with them, in this case. They seem codependent, manipulative and possibly abusive, as my ILs were - because that is how they treat DH - he is good with them when they want something.

MiL was/is only interested in her favorite child’s child - because everything is about her, and she sees them as an extension of herself ie: codependency and narcissism.

They are not your responsibility. If your ILs were warm, welcoming, inclusive - you would respond in kind.

Do what you have to do for you and your kids.