The arrogance….wow
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Anonymous
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It’s just too much now. I can’t believe it’s gotten to this point. DH has always had an arrogant streak, but I overlooked it focusing on his good qualities. After being married for 15 years, it’s gotten worse. He truly believes his way of doing things is the only right way. He is driving me and our kid up the wall.
For instance, if I’m cooking he’ll point out I’m not using the right utensil. Mind you I’ve been cooking for years, we both cook. I’ll take the time to explain I actually have a specific reason why I’m using one utensil over the other. I remind him people have different ways of doing things. The point is, he would have known that had he thought to ask me instead of assuming I am clueless. Take this example and multiply it 5x per day in different scenarios. He just assumes people are idiots. If I have an opinion about something that is entirely subjective he will impose his subjective view in the most obnoxious way to "correct" me. For example, we both saw a house. I thought it was poorly designed and I expressed my dislike of it. He tried to change my mind about it. I was super annoyed by this. I waited a day before I brought it to his attention. When I did, he explained he was trying to shed light on the matter for me. It’s my opinion on whether I like the design of a house or not. I am entitled to my opinion! He has been saying for months that we are fundamentally different. I disagreed with him because I truly believed we were aligned at the core. Recently I have started to agree with him, and that scares me because now I feel like I don’t know him at all. It’s like someone removed my rose colored glasses and I’m left with this man who thinks he is always right and trying to make me feel like I am deficient in every way. What next? Try to reconnect? Go out separate ways? Live separately under one roof? Right now I’m angry and I want nothing to do with him. I want to rest, reconnect with myself and heal from emotional damage I’ve inflicted on myself. |
Anonymous
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My DH can be like this and I don't see it as arrogant. More like pedantic. We are both type A, eldest children types. Tuning it out has been the most effective approach. His parents are both the same way. Don't argue with it, just tune it out.
And try to give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he thinks he is being helpful. (He's not, but maybe he thinks he is.) Amnesia and optimism (seeing people's intentions as good) are keys to happy marriage! |
Anonymous
| Does your DH spend quality 1:1 time with you? Is he affectionate with you? Does he satisfy you sexually ? Guess my answer to all 3. - OP |
Anonymous
My answers are all positive, and that certainly helps. Honestly those things - building intimacy, etc. - are easier to fix than underlying personality traits, which is what that unfortunate behavior of your DH's is. |
Anonymous
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Well, yeah, that sounds like some arrogance, but it seems to me there are bigger problems than that -- aggression and control. Not sure you can do anything about that, it's personality really. And people tend to get worse, not better as they get older.
I wouldn't put up with that kind of thing at all, I'd leave, but you have to figure your own situation out. |
Anonymous
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I’m beginning to think there is something sort of magical about year 15 where you sort of look around, realize you are not quite dead yet but your spouse is JUST TERRIBLE. I have felt it too and if you read this forum a lot you realize a lot of affairs and dissolutions seem to happen at year 15.
Should you leave this guy, OP? There is no way for us to know whether you are being fair or having a moment. It is probably time for individual therapy and couples counseling to figure this out. Just be confident that a lot of people look at their spouses one day and feel this way. |
Anonymous
| I guess I’m tired of trying. It shouldn’t be this difficult to have love in a relationship. I feel very sad and hurt by it all. His father is the same way and I fear it’ll just get worse with age with DH. |
Anonymous
I feel the same way. DH has a temper and over reacts to completely trivial things. It’s so hard. Hugs, OP. |
Anonymous
| Is he ugly and funny looking? |
Anonymous
It will get worse with age. It's also not worth divorce because whoever is next will be flawed too. I go with what PP said - ignore it. Get really good at ignoring it. |
Anonymous
All this. |
Anonymous
| Learn some grey rock phrases - “thanks for your input” “oh, interesting point of view” “well we all have our own way of doing things” and just ignore his inout and do as you please. the key is not to engage. do not create discussion in these moments. |
Anonymous
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I don't love gazpacho. It is easy enough to avoid, but in general cold soup is not my favorite thing.
DH loves gazpacho. Whenever he sees a tomato, he thinks, I'll make gazpacho with that tomato! Multiple times per week he talks about making gazpacho. Multiple times per week I do not get excited about the prospect of his gazpacho. Oh, the offense! You'd think I killed a puppy. Raised eyebrows, tsk tsks, that's-too-bad head shakes, what do you mean how could you not love my gazpacho, it's the best summer food, you must have bad taste, I worked hard on this gazpacho, everyone loves gazpacho what's wrong with you, I make the best gazpacho in the world, this gazpacho turned out great, on and on and on. Then he's mad when I don't clean up the gazpacho mess. For years I lived like this. One day we ran into a friend and DH inevitably brought up his gazpacho plans for the day. The friend said she didn't love gazpacho. Oh dear, I thought, looking over to see DH's reaction, here comes the gazpacho shaming, this lady is about to get a lecture! DH said, "Gazpacho is not for everyone." Now I think I have to divorce him. |
Anonymous
| 15 seems to be the number, give or take a year. So predictable! |
Anonymous
Yes. I started hearing that Talking Heads song differently. The lyrics resonated with it so much! Every where I turned, I wanted out. At the very same time, my ex was jettisoning a business partner, facing stress, probably also having a his own mini-crisis. — female |