DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.

[Anonymous]

DS22 is on the spectrum, very high functioning. He and his gf22 are both in college, where they met. Both live at home.

Except it seems like they both live in our home. She doesn't spend the night--I had to set that boundary early on, or she would definitely have moved in by now--and she doesn't drive (no license). During the summer, DS has been driving 40 mins each way at least 5:times a week, and she's usually here for at least 12 hours. He doesn't drive her home until well after midnight, and on the days he is home for dinner, she's always here too. He says her family is very dysfunctional and she doesn't like to be there. Ok, I'm sorry to hear that, but why does that mean she has to be here ALL THE TIME?

In contrast, his younger brother's gf is over maybe twice a month, and never for more than an afternoon or evening. You know, like a normal guest?

Today all 4 of them took a day trip. He got up at 7 to go pick her up, while his brother's gf drove herself to our house. The trip was a few hours each way and they were out for 12 hours or so. When they got back, his brother's gf came in briefly to bring stuff in and then went home. Meanwhile, DS22 and his gf came in and started a movie, despite my strong hints about what a long day they have had and how they probably want to get going.

I've tried multiple ways to explain that guests aren't residents. When I ask that he drive her home by 1 a.m., he says I'm "being annoying for no reason." Because he's on the spectrum--and because he's 22, technically an "adult"--he has very little consideration for other perspectives. I tell him if he wants to be treated like an adult, he needs to start acting like one--for starters, paying rent, getting a job, maybe graduating from and paying for college (he has at least 2 years left). He pays for his car repairs, maintenance, and insurance, but that's it.

Yes, his father lives here too, but is pathologically avoidant so it's always been up to me to hold the kids to any kind of expectations, standards, house rules, etc.

Yes, I like her fine. It's not about her -- I just think it's weird for ANYONE who doesn't live here to be here 60-80 hours a week, and I'm not comfortable with it. Any constructive advice?

[Anonymous]

So maybe he should just get married to her?

[Anonymous]

You need to set more direct boundaries. No guests more than three times a week, all guests leave by 11pm, whatever you want. And yes, if he wants to claim he's an adult then he can pay rent and be treated like a roommate and a roommate would give him tons of crap for having a girl over ALL the time.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to go home. It's your house. I'm not seeing the problem.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it's time for him to move out.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is the issue? Does she prevent you from being able to relax in the house? Does she prevent you from being able to use the house as you'd like (like taking up the living room to watch a movie?). Perhaps if you approached it from that angle you may get through to your kid easier. I think when you approach it like you're babying him (I'm not saying you are, I just think it may be how he sees it) by talking about how much he's driving or things like that, he may be more resistant.

I also think it is fine to just enact rules for your house and let that be it. No guests after 10 pm. Guests only 3 days a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it's time for him to move out.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to go home. It's your house. I'm not seeing the problem.

I have to tell him, because she has to be driven home. If she is there when I say it's time for her to go home, he apologizes to her (!!!) for my saying that. Then he says he will and doesn't, so I have to come back and remind him it's time to go, undoubtedly in a less polite voice. So then I look like I'm the one being rude.

I need a way to explain why it's a problem for a guest to be here more often than our paying tenant is.

[Anonymous]

Why does she not have a license?
Why is he still in school?
Why does he not have a job?
How does he afford car insurance and maintenance with no job?
Does she work?

Lots of people on the spectrum have jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it's time for him to move out.

+1

OP here. Absolutely, but I don't see that happening until he graduates and that's a couple years away. He seems very uncomcerned with having a work history, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it's time for him to move out.

+1

OP here. Absolutely, but I don't see that happening until he graduates and that's a couple years away. He seems very uncomcerned with having a work history, too.

He's unconcerned because he has ZERO incentive to get a job.

Many people work and go to school. Many people work, go to school and support themselves.

[Anonymous]

There is a severely mentally disabled man who works at my local grocery store. He has worked there for several years and does a good job.

[Anonymous]

OP: I have no advice. Just want to write that I support your position. You have a right to privacy in your own home. It is stressful having guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to go home. It's your house. I'm not seeing the problem.

I have to tell him, because she has to be driven home. If she is there when I say it's time for her to go home, he apologizes to her (!!!) for my saying that. Then he says he will and doesn't, so I have to come back and remind him it's time to go, undoubtedly in a less polite voice. So then I look like I'm the one being rude.

I need a way to explain why it's a problem for a guest to be here more often than our paying tenant is.

She doesn't need an explanation why. "It's not appropriate for you to be here so much. My son doesn't understand boundaries so I will explain them to you. You can be here 3 days a week for X hours. When he has his own place to live that he pays for, the rules will be up to him. Bye."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to set more direct boundaries. No guests more than three times a week, all guests leave by 11pm, whatever you want. And yes, if he wants to claim he's an adult then he can pay rent and be treated like a roommate and a roommate would give him tons of crap for having a girl over ALL the time.

I've definitely tried the "guests out by midnight" thing--it doesn't work because he's always been terrible with time management. I like the idea of limiting the number of times per week for marathon visits, though, and the point about the roommates is a good one. Thanks!