unplanned second child
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Anonymous
| DH and I are both 38. We always went back and forth on the thought of two, but for me I feel like it was the social pressures of having another vs actually wanting one. Ultimately, we decided that we were one and done, and I have been on birth control since DS was 2.5. Our DS is 4 and we are having a blast with this new phase of independence and activities. Flash forward to last week, we found out we are expecting. I feel so guilty that my first thought was complete sadness. I feel totally blindsided (I know birth control is not 100%), financially unprepared, and mentally unprepared. I am so scared about being AMA and going through pregnancy/delivery all over again. We just got into a new phase of our lives, and we are starting again from complete scratch. I am so scared about the age gap between our children, though DS would make a great big brother and always ask us for a little sibling. I am scared my relationship with DH will suffer. Are these feelings normal? Has anyone been through this? Positive stories about having children 5 years apart? I am hoping once I have more time to process everything that I will consider this a blessing and be happy, but I am so overwhelmed at the moment. |
Anonymous
|
I mean, there were a lot of bad parts about having your first one, right? And good parts? It’s not like your worries and sadness are unfounded. You have things to legitimately mourn and legitimately worry about. So you should honor and sit with that. But you’re doing it now. The life you’re mourning is no longer an option. And you can imagine some of the good parts and some of the good parts you can’t imagine.
So spend some time being sad and then you’ll have to just strap in and carry on. |
Anonymous
| Have an abortion. |
Anonymous
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Totally, totally normal. It hasn't happened to me, but several of my friends (though many of those were surprise third pregnancies, but I don't think that's any different.)
A few things: 1) It's totally normal to be emotionally all over the place. Give yourself some time and grace. Pregnancy is nine months which is a LONG time and some people need every minute, and then some, to emotionally prepare. 2) Be honest with your husband (and other close confidants) about how you feel. If you put on a fake happy face because that's "what you're supposed to feel" (ugh) then the people around you are likely to approach this with enthusiasm and excitement, which will make you feel MORE guilty, and you don't need that. What you need is support from people who love you and will be there for you as you figure out where you go from here. 3) Everything you're worried about is surmountable. Really. 4) Pregnancy termination is a safe and legal option (at least in DC). If you decide this isn't the right path for you and your family, that's totally fine. People associate abortion with young, irresponsible, single women, but the reality is different - 60% of women who have an abortion each year already have children, and among those women, the number one reason cited is that having another child may impede their ability to raise the child(ren) they already have. Abortion is not the antithesis of being a good mother - often they go hand in hand. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but my heart goes out to you. You'll find a path forward that works for you, but you don't need to figure it all out today. It's going to be okay. |
Anonymous
A 2nd is easier. Just is. The 5 year gap helps a lot, too, because your 5 year old will help out to some degree. |
Anonymous
"Phase" is the key word here. It'll pass. |
Anonymous
Have you prayed on this??? |
Anonymous
What is the sex? |
Anonymous
|
I was on the fence about a third. DH and I had just decided to wait another 6-12 months to revisit the topic when I found out I was pregnant. My first reactions were overwhelm and anxiety, but those subsided as I got into the second trimester.
I have a closer age gap between mine, but I’ll also say it’s completely normal to grieve the end of the only stage. I cried on the way to the hospital in labor with my second and worried my oldest would resent the change. It’s cliche, but it’s true that the love only mutliplies. Also, many of my friends have a 4-5 year gap, and they love it. Their older kids are able to a lot more for themselves than at 2-3, and are all very doting and helpful with the baby. As they age, having different interests and levels of maturity will certainly impact their closeness during that time, but there are pros and cons to all age gaps. And when they’re adults, it won’t matter! |
Anonymous
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Our 2 DDs are 4.5 years apart. I was really worried about this age gap (most of our friends have 2 year gaps), but I love it. They are 3 and 7 now and are much closer than I assumed they would be at this point. I am under no illusions that will last, and of course they have their moments, as any siblings do regardless of age gap.
Older DD practically begged for a sibling (we had lots of infertility issues for years and had actually given up on a 2nd before learning I was pregnant), so she was super excited about having a baby in the house, and she was old enough at that point to understand that babies had different needs and there were times that I needed to devote more attention to her sister. We didn’t encounter the jealousy issues that many of our friends with closer age differences experienced. Older DD was also quite independent by that point, and that helped. As to your age - I was nearly 42 when younger DD was born. Personally, I didn’t notice any differences between my first pregnancy at 36/37 and my 2nd pregnancy at 41. Delivery was much easier the 2nd time around (both inductions, but the 2nd was lightning fast compared to the 1st), recovery was nearly identical. Both were uncomplicated pregnancies, no additional interventions just because of my age. |
Anonymous
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I was 42 when I found out that we were expecting our second. After the initial shock and disbelief, I warmed up to the idea of DS1 having a sibling. It was the best thing that happened to our family.
Not going to lie, the first year after DS2 was born was HARD. But it was temporary and in the rearview mirror. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP. I can totally understand how you are feeling. We had a planned second but I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you're are finally getting to the next stage of parenting and feeling worried about starting over. I will share that the first months of having a second, I was worried about how it would impact our lives. It felt really hard. But now, my youngest being 2 - time has FLOWN and things are SO MUCH BETTER, and I can really see how quickly we are again going to get to that more independent stage. And I don't know if it is just my second's personality but he is already just more.. independent or something than my first was. Part of it I think is personality but part of it is just your life is set up differently with an older kid.
There is no denying that managing the sibling dynamic and disagreements can be hard but you will have less of that with your age gap. And the sibling relationship really is special to witness. This all being said, I can see how much easier my life would be with one. And it has been a little hard on our marriage as my husband struggles more with two on his own for sure. So I agree with others that you can and should consider your options!! You know best what you and your marriage can handle, do what is right for you and your family. |
Anonymous
I agree it gets easier after the first year (or year-and-a-half, IMO). The age gap is actually better than having a toddler and a baby if you’re feeling overwhelmed. As a PP pointed out, your 5 year old may be able to help, or at least won’t have as many needs as a toddler. A toddler demanding to be held and entertained 24/7 when you have a baby is SO hard. I would look at the age gap as a positive. |
Anonymous
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I've always told myself I would abort in this situation but I'm not sure I actually would go through with it.
Large age gap will actually make it less stressful, so that part is a good thing. Relationships tend to suffer more when the kids are <3 years apart and you have a toddler and a newborn simultaneously. But it's absolutely smart to be proactive about that. Read up on Gottman marriage techniques and make sure you prioritize sleep and time together. |
Anonymous
| Yes very normal. Fwiw I was on the fence about a second and had him at 38.5. Second was soooo much easier. They fit into your live vs you changing your whole life for baby. |