Things people forget to discuss with their SO before marrying?

[Anonymous]

In my experience it’s:

-Student loan debt
-Kids v. No kids

[Anonymous]

How do you “forget” discussing having children, OP?

[Anonymous]

Forget
Avoid because they’re afraid of hearing something they don’t want to hear
Dismiss as being an important issue between couples

All the same. The bottom line is that failure to discuss these things leads to a greater probability of marital problems. Of course, discussing them before marriage is not a guarantee that everything will go swimmingly. But assuming everyone is honest with themselves and their future spouse, it can help lower the stress in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Who forgets to discuss kids vs no kids before getting married?!?

[Anonymous]

I think it's more nuanced than the big things like kids or no kids, but more like "what do you want your kids lifestyle to be growing up?" and "how do you want to discipline kids?" and "do you think parents should pay for kids college?"

So more nuanced than "we'll move in together when we get engaged" but "are we city people, rural? where do we want to raise kids?" and "do we retire somewhere else?" and "Do our parents have keys to our home?"

I can tell you that I dropped by my future husband's apartment unannounced a couple of times and noticed his idea of "messy/dirty" when he wasn't expecting guests and thought about if I could live with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you “forget” discussing having children, OP?

OP here. I didn’t, but I know people who did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forget
Avoid because they’re afraid of hearing something they don’t want to hear
Dismiss as being an important issue between couples

All the same. The bottom line is that failure to discuss these things leads to a greater probability of marital problems. Of course, discussing them before marriage is not a guarantee that everything will go swimmingly. But assuming everyone is honest with themselves and their future spouse, it can help lower the stress in a marriage.

Someone who is afraid of hearing something they don't like is too immature to get married. That avoidance and immaturity is a big reason why that marriage will fail.

[Anonymous]

Public v. Private school
City v. Suburb v. Rural
How involved ILs should be
When financial support to kids ends

[Anonymous]

Herpes

[Anonymous]

What would we do if we lost our jobs?
Dogs, cats, neither, both?
What if one of us becomes more or less religious ten years from now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more nuanced than the big things like kids or no kids, but more like "what do you want your kids lifestyle to be growing up?" and "how do you want to discipline kids?" and "do you think parents should pay for kids college?"

So more nuanced than "we'll move in together when we get engaged" but "are we city people, rural? where do we want to raise kids?" and "do we retire somewhere else?" and "Do our parents have keys to our home?"

I can tell you that I dropped by my future husband's apartment unannounced a couple of times and noticed his idea of "messy/dirty" when he wasn't expecting guests and thought about if I could live with that.

My DH and I probably did not see eye to eye on any of these. Lol.

Yet we are very happy and on the same page now.

I think compatibility of personalities is more important than the details. One needs to really understand who they are and be confident in who they are.

For example:

If you are a type A, don't marry a fellow type A or a doormat. Marry a moderately passionate person: someone with a "calm" yet no nonsense personality. Two type As will be constantly fighting. While a type A married to a doormat will always get their way until the doormat gets resentful and gives up.

If you are a doormat, marry a doormat. You will feel used and abused with any other personality type.

I am using "doormat" here for lack of a better word. Some people are too nice for their own good. They almost always put everyone before themselves, and they are disappointed and hurt when they realize others dont do same. Doormats will hardly be happily married to anyone other than people who are similar to themselves.

[Anonymous]

- saving money
- spending money
- using credit cards
- seeing in-laws
- religion
- where to live
- sex drives

[Anonymous]

I am a doormat married to a type A and I agree with this. I should have married a nice guy with family money.

[Anonymous]

We discussed these both but he lied. Said he would pay my student loans and did not.

[Anonymous]

gender roles and conceptions
gender role models and conceptions
division of labor