How to respond to MILs outrageous comments

[Anonymous]

We were at dinner with DH’s family earlier. MIL and SIS have some tension as SIL is attempting to keep MIL at a distance as she has a new born and doesn’t want her mother hovering.

SIL left early and MIL was furious and drunk. She turns to DH and me and says that SIL and husband are struggling with their newborn even though they are so organized and DH and I will struggle as we are not. She is so worried about how we will work out who does what and divide work and how I’ve never cared for a newborn so I will be so tired and overwhelmed. We obviously won’t have a nanny as we can’t afford it. Etc etc

I have this thing where I freeze when someone is being rude to me and I can’t quite respond in the moment. Now I am seething in anger and pain.

Should I confront her about her comments? How? I am planning on skipping her Mother’s Day brunch.

[Anonymous]

Skip brunch. Tell you DH that you can't handle his mother's rude comments when she's drunk and disorderly, but you also feel it displays her true feelings for her to talk like that when she's uninhibited. Don't confront her - that's for DH to do. You just distance as much as you can and be aloof when you have to see her. If she does say something to you, say what I said above - that her comments must display her true feelings and you don't wish to deal with that negativity.

[Anonymous]

What did your dh say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Skip brunch. Tell you DH that you can't handle his mother's rude comments when she's drunk and disorderly, but you also feel it displays her true feelings for her to talk like that when she's uninhibited. Don't confront her - that's for DH to do. You just distance as much as you can and be aloof when you have to see her. If she does say something to you, say what I said above - that her comments must display her true feelings and you don't wish to deal with that negativity.

OP, this is the way. My MIL is very similar and this is how I play it. I can’t get myself in trouble so I keep my mouth shut and give her nothing to work with. I would also bow out of brunch tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

It’s not your job to correct her behavior, and you never could anyway. She’s a grown adult. So don’t bother fussing over “freezing up” and not having the perfect speech prepared to put her in her place.

The only thing you can do is control your reaction, especially the reeling over it and stewing in hurt and anger. Clearly she isn’t a person whose opinion you should value, so you have to work on you to get over wanting her approval.

[Anonymous]

Wait- are you pregnant?

Your Dh should have stood up for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait- are you pregnant?

Your Dh should have stood up for you.

No I am not. I have had a recent loss and we are trying IVF next.

[Anonymous]

Talk with your DH. What does he think? Was he also offended?

If you and he are on the same page (MIL was rude and inapproriate), I'd set some boundaries, e.g. not being with her when she' drunk.

If you and he are not of the same page, I'd be reconsidering that relationship.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow. Drop the rope. Something similar happened to me when I was in my first trimester with my first (she knew) and honestly it was so freeing. I was able to let go of what she thought (as was DH) and it has made setting boundaries with my kids 100x easier. If she tends to be tough this may be a blessing in disguise. My only suggestion is to write everything down verbatim as you remember it now so you can pull it back up and remember if you feel any guilt in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- are you pregnant?

Your Dh should have stood up for you.

No I am not. I have had a recent loss and we are trying IVF next.

I'm sorry OP. If she knows about it, that's so awful of her. Extremely cruel either way.

[Anonymous]

So this old lush thinks people who are organized (her daughter and husband) will struggle with a newborn and people who are *not* organized (OP and her DH) will struggle with a newborn?

Has anyone flat out told her she's crazy?

[Anonymous]

At the moment, your best bet is to deflect. If dinner is over, jump up to clear the table. You have a mean drunk for a MIL. Arguing with her probably won’t be productive. Be kind to yourself and avoid her.

[Anonymous]

He needs to tell his mom to can it. Otherwise, what could be boundaries will be brick walls. Also, you need plans to exit these convos. Him: mom, you say things like this and we will remove ourselves every single time.

[Anonymous]

If she’s anything like my alcoholic mean MIL, she will not remember saying any of this and then claim you are just an awful person who doesn’t like her for no reason. Skip the brunch. Limiting my time with my MIL (esp later in the day after she’s been drinking several hours) has been the only workable solution.

[Anonymous]

Don’t attend any events with her or extend her any invitations. Never be in a room with her, and block her on your phone and on social media. If she asks DH why, he can tell her that you won’t be subject to her unfair, alcohol-fueled rants and criticisms. If she seems remorseful, he can determine whether to even approach you about facilitating an apology. But really, she can rot.