What custody to seek with coparent with bad judgement?
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Anonymous
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I’m seeking a separation/divorce from my husband. He’s a recovering alcoholic (18m sober, attends AA a couple times a month, should go more) and has other impulse control issues (gambling).
We have 2 kids (7 and 4) and he has shown bad judgement at least 3 times that I know of in the last 6 months while solo parenting in evenings I had social or work plans. (1) Taking pills after the kids went to bed that would cloud his judgement and make him unable to respond to an emergency (they often wake up or come out of their room after bedtime) (2) Leaving them alone in a car for ~20m to run an errand (winter so overheating wasn’t an issue but still not OK) (3) I just learned tonight from one of my kids that DH will sometimes leave them alone for 20-30m to go pick up takeout or get coffee I assume he’ll try to go for 50/50 joint custody. What custody arrangement seems reasonable or appropriate given his poor judgement? I do want them to have a relationship with him but I don’t trust his parenting, especially for extended periods of time. We’ve already committed to trying mediation. How likely is that to succeed if I seek something other than 50/50? |
Anonymous
| Try to get some legal custody or tie breaker if joint legal. Also in mediation try to figure out what he really wants and be willing to bargain with child support to get more custody. |
Anonymous
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A few thoughts from someone in the middle of a divorce with similar, although more severe, concerns.
What kind of pills? There's a difference between taking something prescribed and something illegal. I wouldn't assume he wants 50/50. Many men don't, and if he's a good father despite some mistakes he may realize that at this point in his recovery that would be a lot. Do you think he would do better with having them on weekdays, so there's structure, or on weekends where he might have fewer overnights? Do you think his judgment is poor on major things? Would you be OK with him as an equal partner for things like medial care, and choosing schools, etc . . . ? |
Anonymous
Ketamine that was prescribed by one of those sketchy Instagram ad "telehealth" companies because he thought it would help with depression.
He has never been an equal partner in those conversations, so having joint legal custody would be a pain. I've done all of the work picking schools. There have been a number of times when I have asked for his help determining whether an illness or injury rises to the level of a trip to urgent care and his response has been a variation of "how should I know?" |
Anonymous
| Ketamine doesn't come in pills and I doubt a doctor online would prescribe it over lots of other medications. |
Anonymous
| Pills were the wrong word but it was medicine. And it was from a company that only prescribes Ketamine and similar meds that advertises on Instagram (Mindbloom?). Yes, a legitimate psychiatrist would not prescribe that before trying other medications. |
Anonymous
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Honestly, if he asks for 50/50, he will probably get it.
Is there something else he wants, that you can trade for custody? Will he take more of the marital assets instead? |
Anonymous
Actually some would. It’s a nose spray or in which is why your post sounds fake. It’s used for multiple things and is one doctors are offering now. |
Anonymous
Lying is not going to help you in any of this. |
Anonymous
| A Chicago radio station that I listen to has commercials for a Ketamine clinic. “ Have depression, call this number.” This kind of advertising disturbs me. |
Anonymous
| Well I don’t know if this is real or not but saying all this to a judge and asking for more than 50% might backfire because even if there were no holes in your story, without very, very solid proof it might look like you’re just dragging his name through the mud to try to alienate him from his kids. I know of parents (mostly women but some men) who almost lost custody by telling the judge the truth about their exes. |
Anonymous
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The kids are too young to be left along just in a year and a half they won’t be although I wouldn’t leave a 9 year old in charge of a four year old for more than a few minutes. But by ten years old I was babysitting for kids that young at the country club.
My husband left our six year old alone for over an hour while he went to the gym. Some men just suck at understanding children and the fact that they have needs that come at the expense of their adults needs. However a judge will not think much of what you’ve written here and you will come off looking crazy and vindictive. |
Anonymous
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OP, they’re either ketamine troches or ketamine lozenges, and it’s a very low dose, so if it would impair his judgment or driving, it wouldn’t be any moreso than a wine glass or two, which is to say he certainly shouldn’t drive with it, but it would be fine or after the kids are asleep.
The main concern I would have about those is that they definitely have more potential for addiction than the IV ketamine that he could get in a legitimate ketamine clinic. It is a very valid and highly efficacious depression treatment but generally the self-administered forms are discouraged for patients with addictions. I don’t think any of these would be custody deal breakers but as other have said, maybe he doesn’t want 50/50? |
Anonymous
To be clear I’m not saying that Mindbloom is not legitimate; it is. I’m referring to intervenous ketamine administered at a clinic, not ketamine as a party drug. iV ketamine in a medical setting is very low dose. |
Anonymous
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It might be a battle, but truthfully he probably doesn't want to take care of a 4 & 7 year old too often, so if you play it carefully you might get a good outcome without too much pain.
Keep coming up with examples like yours. You're on a good track with your phrasing, but need to adjust your wording a little and state the effect. Don't leave it up to reader interpretation. Specify what the action takes away from him, specify how that hurts the kids, clearly state what they need. He takes mind numbing pills that take away his reasoning abilities and judgment. The children frequently awake at night and expect a parent to help them xxxx. The children are young and cannot yet take care of themselves. They need a clear minded adult and x is unable to provide that at this time. This happens on a day to day basis, and you are even more concerned what would happen in an emergency, such as (give a past or present kid relevant health issue or other issue like when kid tried to go outside). Ex Exhibits poor judgement when leaving the children alone in the car in winter for 20+ minutes, 7 is not old enough to watch 4 and you are concerned what he is doing that requires him to be absent from the children for such long periods of time. Allude to possibility. State things explicitly. Sound like the wise and knowing parent. Don't set up promises or ideals, like things that ex could do. That's not your job. Just clearly state repeatedly what's happening, WHY it matters for both him and the kids, what you are concerned about, and what the children may learn or interpret from his behaviour, compared to what you instill in them in your care. To directly answer your question, sounds like 4hr (possibly supervised if it gets bad) outing days would be best. I would also point out the increased stress heightening the risk of relapse based on examples of past cool behaviour. |