Need advice re: competitive dance

[Anonymous]

DD11 is in her 3rd year of competitive dance. She has not shown any dedication, commitment, or any true interest/love in dance for a long time. She does not practice any of her routines at home, does not work on her solo, does not practice flips, splits, etc. (she cannot do splits, flips, etc. so it would make sense to practice so she can master it). She treats dance like a social event - is only concerned about what hotels her friends are staying in, wanting to go out to eat with friends, etc.

DH and I have shared our concerns with DD and asked her to practice more at home and show us that she is committed to dance. She has not done it and makes excuses for why she can't (her mat at home is too small, she can't use YouTube, etc...all of which are a bunch of excuses. She has recordings of her routines to practice to, she has a 14' trampoline where she could practice things if she wanted to, etc.). She says she likes dance but has not shown it.

We've decided that she will not return to competitive dance next year. It is entirely too expensive and time consuming if she is not committed. We are now contemplating what to do for the rest of this year. We still have nationals competition in a few months, which will cost us another $3-4K. Do we pull her out now and not attend nationals? If we do that, I'd feel bad that the team would have to reconfigure choreography without her in the routines. We also have recital coming up, but we had a trip already planned and paid for before they announced the date, so she will not attend that and I assume they'll have to reconfigure routines for the recital anyway. We committed at the beginning of this season to see it through, so I feel like we should go ahead and attend nationals. I also don't want DD to think she can just abruptly stop something just because she doesn't want to do it - if you make a commitment, see it through. DH just wants to save the money and cut the cord now. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is not invested and is telling you so non-verbally. I would sit her down and non-judgmentally discuss it with her. Explain the financial cost and ask her to be honest about her thoughts. At that age, she could well be moving on to different interests, or just wants a break. You can outline how she can still be friends with the other girls. If she says she really wants to continue, hen tell her you will need to let the coach know she isn’t practicing. I think it sounds like too much for her right now. The team can get along without her, especially if she hasn’t been practicing. You should help her exit gracefully. If this has been her life for so long, she will need support transitioning to a new life without it. These kinds of activities can be very intense.

[Anonymous]

The expectation is you are in for the recital and nationals. They can't reconfigure now (unless you told them about the recital a while ago).
I think she needs to finish the year. You signed her up for a dance competition team at age 9, 10 and 11. That's kind of on you. If she's not into it and you clearly aren't into it, then no harm in stopping for next year. But a kid that enjoys the hotel and friendship part is not unusual.
My DD is on a competitive dance team. I kind of think the whole thing is stupid and doubt it will lead to anything past high school. But she enjoys it, the friendships are meaningful and we can afford it. It's good exercise and good for her emotionally. There's a lot a kid can get out of it, even if they're not best on the team.

[Anonymous]

How privileged you are that you can drop $3K+ in the name of social graces! Not hating on you. Good for you, honestly.

They can re-do the choreography. Happens all the time.

I'm with DH. I don't think it's a good message to send your DD that you will fund an expensive activity that is merely social for her. After you asked her to practice more and she declined.

[Anonymous]

Dance mom here. I would attend Nationals only because it affects the entire team.

[Anonymous]

Kids covet hurt and they reconfigure choreography last minute. High level competitive dancers will be fine if that happens. But it is sort of sucky to quit the team who was counting on her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate all of the perspectives, though it looks like you all are split just like me and DH! To the PP who mentioned finances, no, we could definitely use the $3-4K. We recently experienced an unexpected change in income, but because it was a commitment, we could make the sacrifice. I am more willing to make that financial sacrifice and am not trying to make a decision based on money. DH, on the other hand, only sees the green.

[Anonymous]

I would consider this a commitment for the year but I would discuss with her clearly that you're not signing up for next year. Also gives her a chance to really think about that too.

[Anonymous]

Do a double take breath out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dance mom here. I would attend Nationals only because it affects the entire team.

If her DD can’t even do the splits, this is not high level dance or Broadway. Not doing nationals would mean the make slight adjustments to formations. Not a big deal. I agree with your DH. Cut the cord now and save 4k

[Anonymous]

Finish the year. Drop down to regular dance.

[Anonymous]

My first inclination is to stick it out for the Nationals to honor your commitment and show your daughter that it's important to see things through. I'd have a long talk with her since it seems like she enjoys the social aspect of the competition. Have her agree to a certain amount of practice untill the Nationals. Negotiate. You might suggest 15 minutes a day at home. Pick an amount that you're willing to go down from in case she makes a counter proposal, maybe 3 days a week. That'll make a difference if she's currently at 0.

My second thought it to talk to her teacher. Since you're planning to drop anyway after the year, there's no reason not to feel it out. Maybe the teacher will be glad to lose a kid who doesn't practice if she's not keeping up with the group. Or maybe she'll have suggestions on what your dd could focus on to get more into it. Either way, do it asap to lessen the impact on the team.

Also got next year, dance is not all or nothing. I danced through high school but at a low key studio. Once I hit honors classes I didn't have time to practice at home so had to drop pointe. It would have been dangerous to continue without practicing. But it was fine to do jazz just a couple times a week. We didn't compete, just did an annual recital and got the exercise and social benefits without the stress. Ballroom is another option

[Anonymous]

Nah - $4K for an activity she’s not committed to! I’m usually in favor of honoring commitments but not something this extravagant. They will all be ok. They are 11. “Nationals” isn’t a thing that will have any bearing on anyone in a meaningful way.

[Anonymous]

I am not knowledgeable about competitive dance, but if nationals was 100% expected, they would have already taken your money in advance. I don’t agree that following through with nationals will give a life lesson to your daughter. Especially since she will enjoy the hotel and the meals with friends etc. It sounds like the writing has been on the wall for a while, and I would save the 3k. She’s not in a duo or trio or anything like that, is she? A few months notice seems like plenty of time for the dance to be reconfigured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nah - $4K for an activity she’s not committed to! I’m usually in favor of honoring commitments but not something this extravagant. They will all be ok. They are 11. “Nationals” isn’t a thing that will have any bearing on anyone in a meaningful way.

+1