My sister won’t speak to me

[Anonymous]

I have an estranged sister. I’m translating this into my phone so please excuse The grammar errors. I take pride in being close to family, however I have one sister with a high conflict personality disorder who is a toxic person. She’s a bully and she sees me as below her and only respected me if I stayed in my place as her servant. Finally I lost it with her for years ago and blew up at her and even grabbed her shoulders and shake them since I couldn’t yell because everybody was sleeping. We don’t live together but we are on a family vacation. Our parents back to me and made her leave. This infuriated her even more. While I believe I was wrong to shake her and should never of done that, I got away with it because everyone knew how rare it is that I get mad and how mean she’s been to me. Her reason is that because of learning disabilities I’m a little bit odd and slow. Socially speaking I sometimes come across as a little different and therefore I don’t have much and we are friends. She was 26 and I was 37 at the time of the fight so we’re not kids.

She has devoted the last four years to proving that I’m a bad guy and it’s just made her look worse and worse. Time and time again our Dad backs me. Our mom is her enabler so she enables both of us by making excuses for her and excuses for me when talking to the other. I try to keep our mom out of it though currently she seems to understand that I’m the victim. I’m debating whether to go to a party this Sunday that my sister is going to be out since there won’t be much family there I won’t be missing much.

So though we see each other physically through family events we are estranged. Sometimes I feel bad because the people tell me that me blowing up at her was perfectly understandable I believe it was wrong that I shook her. At other times I am glad that we are estranged because it means I don’t have to deal with her anymore.

So are you estranged from a sibling or parent? How do you handle it? How do you handle family events when estranged?

[Anonymous]

Who is the victim in this? There's always two sides to a story.
But, from what it sounds like, she or maybe you, have a mental illness. That's not a good word to use so let's use another word, maybe mental disorganization. But one of you have a deeper issue than the other. Often, sister are competing with one another and sometimes without the other person knowing. When not dealt with, it will get deeper until someone sinks into the mental illness cases.

Have you apologize for everything you have done to her. Then, leave it at that. Unfortunately, family events will draw you two in whether you like it or not.
If you are the sane one, I would just keep your contact limited. At some point, you will have to engage with her if it concerns your parents health.

[Anonymous]

We are both mentally ill. We are like John and Lorena Bobbitt.

[Anonymous]

I can see why she doesn't talk to you.

[Anonymous]

Just keep avoiding her as much as possible and don’t engage in talk regarding her. You both made mistakes. Without each having a diagnosis and a path to better engaging, reconciliation is unlikely.

[Anonymous]

You were physically aggressive with you sister and you want strangers to know everyone in the family things you are right. You both have issues. I have no doubt she has toxic behavior, but you are in charge of you and if she is as awful as you describe, but struggling with the fact his horrible person won't speak to you, then you need to explore why you can't just accept the situation and let go of any desire for her to change.

I am pretty much estranged from a highly toxic sister, but I don't engage. If I must see her, I am polite, but very distant and give her no information. I have never physically touched her in a aggressive way other than to fight her off when she attacked me as a child. She makes attempts to bait and draw me back into her web of drama and conflict and I will not engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep avoiding her as much as possible and don’t engage in talk regarding her. You both made mistakes. Without each having a diagnosis and a path to better engaging, reconciliation is unlikely.

This. Don't badmouth her to others even if she badmouths you. Take the high road. If anyone asks just say you don't wish to discuss it. Nothing good comes of forcing people to take sides. Unfortunately it sometimes means skipping family events to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

I’m estranged from my younger sister, who is a very unhappy person. I had boundaries which she disagreed with. She made the choice to stop all contact. Our family is small, parents are gone, so it’s not hard to ignore her.

My only advice is to do what’s best for your own mental health.

[Anonymous]

Estranged from oldest sister and mother
It’s for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m estranged from my younger sister, who is a very unhappy person. I had boundaries which she disagreed with. She made the choice to stop all contact. Our family is small, parents are gone, so it’s not hard to ignore her.

My only advice is to do what’s best for your own mental health.

What does “boundaries that she disagreed with” mean? Cryptic.

[Anonymous]

If your description of events is true, I'm here to remind everyone there is absolutely no comparison between a lifetime of snide comments/putdowns/bullying and one shake of the shoulders. She deserved it and more, OP.

My mother has that dynamic with one of her very self-important sisters. I have witnessed my aunt bully my mother, and once in a while my mother has enough and tells her off and they cut off contact for a while... but they always revert to their initial dynamic. My aunt is persuaded my mother is slow and stupid and that her affairs are de facto less important than hers.

Were you wrong? No, I don't think so, since you did not hurt her. Sometimes being physical with someone (but not injuring them) works much better at stopping their behavior than mere words.

But did it work? Apparently not. She persists, with a vengeance. So you should not do it again. She's not the type to be receptive to that approach. She may never change her opinion of you, whether you go low or go high (which is also why you don't need to apologize). Why? Because she has her own mental issues.

And that realization is liberating, OP! You don't need to worry about she does or thinks, or says. You said yourself that people closest to you believe you. So it's all FINE. If you are afraid of feeling uncomfortable, or being bullied again, you will have to be choosy about which family events you attend. But that's all. Your sister will never change, and will never respect you as you wish. Live your life in consequence.

I suggest you find hobbies and friends, even though it may be hard for you to connect with others. My son is high-functioning autistic. His social outlet is a Dungeons and Dragons club at his university.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m estranged from my younger sister, who is a very unhappy person. I had boundaries which she disagreed with. She made the choice to stop all contact. Our family is small, parents are gone, so it’s not hard to ignore her.

My only advice is to do what’s best for your own mental health.

What does “boundaries that she disagreed with” mean? Cryptic.[/quot]

The one that made her so angry was that I don’t get involved in family disagreements if I wasn’t present when feelings were hurt or the argument happened. She was furious that I didn’t call her step-daughter to defend my sister after they fought. It had nothing to do with me. Sounds confusing but sister always has a grudge going with someone.

I’m not OP, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your description of events is true, I'm here to remind everyone there is absolutely no comparison between a lifetime of snide comments/putdowns/bullying and one shake of the shoulders. She deserved it and more, OP.

My mother has that dynamic with one of her very self-important sisters. I have witnessed my aunt bully my mother, and once in a while my mother has enough and tells her off and they cut off contact for a while... but they always revert to their initial dynamic. My aunt is persuaded my mother is slow and stupid and that her affairs are de facto less important than hers.

Were you wrong? No, I don't think so, since you did not hurt her. Sometimes being physical with someone (but not injuring them) works much better at stopping their behavior than mere words.

But did it work? Apparently not. She persists, with a vengeance. So you should not do it again. She's not the type to be receptive to that approach. She may never change her opinion of you, whether you go low or go high (which is also why you don't need to apologize). Why? Because she has her own mental issues.

And that realization is liberating, OP! You don't need to worry about she does or thinks, or says. You said yourself that people closest to you believe you. So it's all FINE. If you are afraid of feeling uncomfortable, or being bullied again, you will have to be choosy about which family events you attend. But that's all. Your sister will never change, and will never respect you as you wish. Live your life in consequence.

I suggest you find hobbies and friends, even though it may be hard for you to connect with others. My son is high-functioning autistic. His social outlet is a Dungeons and Dragons club at his university.

Given their ages, there was not likely any long term bullying. The sister is only 26 and OP is 10 years older. What would a 10 year old be saying to a 20 year old?