Advice on dealing with bigoted "jokes"

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling with how to advise my young teen on how to respond to casual anti-semitic "jokes" targeted at him at school by a peer. My teen has rightfully identified the jokes as mean-spirited and anti-semitic (not that "affectionate" anti-semitism is okay either of course). But I know he would feel differently if it were coming from a friend testing testing boundaries, and would feel comfortable confronting it head on in that case.

[Anonymous]

i am sure your teen has already turned down the option of speaking to a counselor, which I think would be the first choice. He might say something like, “ Dude, you might want to cool it with the Nazi jokes- you’re gonna get canceled and no college will accept you.”

[Anonymous]

I would report to the school.

[Anonymous]

"Racist much?"

It doesn't matter if it's racist, strictly speaking. Everything can be called racist in that age group so fair game.

[Anonymous]

"Are you an antisemite?"

Call it what it is and see how the friend reacts. If your son is comfortable saying so, encourage him to say to the other boy that he doesn't appreciate his comments.

If that doesn't work, report it. He shouldn't have to fight a battle to get the other kid to behave better.

[Anonymous]

From friends? Enemies? Frenemies? Random s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From friends? Enemies? Frenemies? Random s?

OP here - it's a frenemy for sure. it happened again today, and he said he laughed in response bc everyone else was laughing. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

What grade is this?

If it were my kid, I would encourage them to try asking blunt questions while maintaining a puzzled but unruffled expression and direct eye contact.

Joke about “greedy” stereotype: “You are saying all Jews are greedy? Do you dislike Jews?”

Joke about noses or bagels or whatever: “why are you so interested in me being jewish? Are you keeping track of all the Jews?”

Joke about owning the media: “Are you an antisemite? Do you believe other Q-Anon theories or just the ones about Jews?”

Basically, don’t let it get to you (at least visibly), but respond in a way that shows
1) I see what you are doing
2) I am going to make it obvious to others what you are doing.

People like this are counting on the victim clocking everything they say but bystanders not picking up on it. If they are hanging out at the lunch table and over 30 minutes, there are 4 awkward moments where Larlo makes a reference to your kid being Jewish or jokes about Jews in general, Larlo is banking on the other kids not noticing all 4 jokes, but your kid noticing and feeling awkward and excluded. Your kid just needs to flag it so that the whole group notices it happening, then the whole group will see Larlo as an uncomfortable person to be around because they will experience the awkwardness too.

He can also talk to one or two friends who are around when it happens and let them know his strategy and that they can support him by just being like “Yeah, Larlo, that’s some Nazi sh— right there!” “Why are you obsessed with Jews, Larlo?” Or just rolling their eyes at Larlo.

The kid will probably fall back on the “it’s just a joke.” Your kid can do the “Explain the joke to me” response, or ask Larlo to tell the “joke” again so everyone can hear it. Or just say “Oh, I didn’t realize bigotry was funny.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Are you an antisemite?"

Call it what it is and see how the friend reacts. If your son is comfortable saying so, encourage him to say to the other boy that he doesn't appreciate his comments.

If that doesn't work, report it. He shouldn't have to fight a battle to get the other kid to behave better.

NP. I like this.

But I will say that all schools are dealing with a horrible increase of racism, antisemitism, and constant stream of bigoted remarks masked in humor. And yes it comes from all people (Koreans insulting Indians, middle eastern insulting Chinese, white insulting Latino etc—just a few examples I personally know of)…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What grade is this?

If it were my kid, I would encourage them to try asking blunt questions while maintaining a puzzled but unruffled expression and direct eye contact.

Joke about “greedy” stereotype: “You are saying all Jews are greedy? Do you dislike Jews?”

Joke about noses or bagels or whatever: “why are you so interested in me being jewish? Are you keeping track of all the Jews?”

Joke about owning the media: “Are you an antisemite? Do you believe other Q-Anon theories or just the ones about Jews?”

Basically, don’t let it get to you (at least visibly), but respond in a way that shows
1) I see what you are doing
2) I am going to make it obvious to others what you are doing.

People like this are counting on the victim clocking everything they say but bystanders not picking up on it. If they are hanging out at the lunch table and over 30 minutes, there are 4 awkward moments where Larlo makes a reference to your kid being Jewish or jokes about Jews in general, Larlo is banking on the other kids not noticing all 4 jokes, but your kid noticing and feeling awkward and excluded. Your kid just needs to flag it so that the whole group notices it happening, then the whole group will see Larlo as an uncomfortable person to be around because they will experience the awkwardness too.

He can also talk to one or two friends who are around when it happens and let them know his strategy and that they can support him by just being like “Yeah, Larlo, that’s some Nazi sh— right there!” “Why are you obsessed with Jews, Larlo?” Or just rolling their eyes at Larlo.

The kid will probably fall back on the “it’s just a joke.” Your kid can do the “Explain the joke to me” response, or ask Larlo to tell the “joke” again so everyone can hear it. Or just say “Oh, I didn’t realize bigotry was funny.”

Agree with ALL of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From friends? Enemies? Frenemies? Random s?

OP here - it's a frenemy for sure. it happened again today, and he said he laughed in response bc everyone else was laughing. Ugh.

You have 3 options with a frenemy.

1) report them… you lose friends
2) dump them… I mean don’t even say 1 word to them but you lose friends.
3) you find their Achilles heal and you go hard back

# 3 is going low but it’s super effective and you don’t lose friends.

[Anonymous]

What grade?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling with how to advise my young teen on how to respond to casual anti-semitic "jokes" targeted at him at school by a peer. My teen has rightfully identified the jokes as mean-spirited and anti-semitic (not that "affectionate" anti-semitism is okay either of course). But I know he would feel differently if it were coming from a friend testing testing boundaries, and would feel comfortable confronting it head on in that case.

What kind of jokes? What is the religion/culture of the adversary?

[Anonymous]

Agree w a previous poster, this is happening all over country and it’s increasing because of social media. Kids are sending around videos/clips and the algorithm feeds increasingly racist/bigoted content. I also agree that minority kids are also using this type of language among themselves and others. Parents need to stay on top of their kids social media/texts.

[Anonymous]

Tell your son to ask the little b*stard to repeat the joke for him and have him pull out his phone and video him. Every time. And pan to get a shot of the kids laughing along.