S/o: two working parents - do you get time to yourself?

[Anonymous]

If you and your spouse both work, do you get non-work, kid-free time on a regular basis? If so, what happens to allow it?

[Anonymous]

Yes absolutely and it's a necessity to me. Both time to myself, and time just me & my husband

We found a couple good babysitters and do a date night 1x a week. Occasionally grandparents come and babysit. We each have a solo hobby where we trade off on the weekends watching the kid

[Anonymous]

We have one elementary aged child and local grandparents. We have as much time for ourselves as we want.

[Anonymous]

We had no close by family or good babysitters but we always made free time work. I’d go to the gym in the mornings before everyone else was up. I’m a big hobby person and always found time in the evenings. We’re super organized and everyone pulls their weight. Plus we have a house cleaner every other week.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Please take time to nourish your relationship with your spouse. The best advice for parents.

[Anonymous]

Put kids to bed on schedule with early bed time. Then cuddle on couch. Netflix and chill.

[Anonymous]

Yes!

I get up early in the morning to either work out or to talk to my best friend (we will both walk or sit and have coffee while we chat on the phone). After my kids get on the bus (we have two elementary school kids) depending on my work day and afternoon/evening plans I might work out then or take some time before getting ready for work. My husband and I now both work from home (since COVID) so we get to go to lunch together at least a few days each week unless one of us is traveling for work.

After school I do my sport two evenings as well as once on the weekend, so my husband has the kids then. He takes them to their sport one day a week so I have that afternoon free (I take them the other time so he has that afternoon free). We both do weekend trips with our friends and also with the kids. I am going away with my college girlfriends this weekend, next weekend I am taking the kids away for the weekend while he stays home, then later in May he is taking the kids away for the weekend while I stay home. We also vacation together as a family, of course, but these next few weeks just happen to have trips with just one parent.

My husband and I don't do as many date nights as we used to since we get to do lunches together now, but we do have standing dates with couple friends where we do dinner and sometimes a show at least once a month or every other month at a minimum. I'm also in a book club that meets once a month. My husband plays poker with friends once a month and otherwise does his sport on the weekends. He and I also do things together like sailing (we don't take the kids, they're not into it as much as power boating, which we do with them), and other things that take us away for the weekends sometimes.

So how do we do this?
- We both work from home now, which is amazing for so many reasons
- We both worked really hard for the last 20 years (we are 44 and also both went to grad school, twice for me, but I consider that "working") and now we have flexibility with our jobs because we are so senior
- We are willing to get up early in the morning
- We talk a lot about scheduling and very much value each other's time
- We use babysitters for nights out (and we can afford to do so), and our former nanny for weekends away (no local family that can help)
- We have been deliberate about choosing our jobs, our neighborhood, and other things to make sure it all supports the life we want to live
- We go "all in" when we're doing something, so if we're with our kids, we aren't on our phones, if we're with our friends, we are living in the moment, etc. (personally I think multi-tasking is often an awful idea)

Some ideas as to how make this work for you:
- Figure out exactly what you want to do - vague notions like "spending time together" or "alone time" often aren't helpful - be specific
- Think realistically about how you want to do something and then make it happen, don't let other things get in the way until you have created a habit
- Talk to your kids about how they feel (not sure how old yours are) - mine know I spend time away from them but they also know much family time we have so they don't get sad when I go away for the weekend, for example
- Talk to your spouse about how you can each accomplish your goals

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

No, generally we don't. We have a nanny during the workweek, but we don't live near our families and when they come they usually don't take our two kids (I'm pregnant with our third). My mom will occasionally do this but then if she's upset at some point down the road she will throw it in my face ("I came and helped you with XYZ"), so it's at a point where it's not worth it. My husband's parents will take our older child, but that's it. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Ebbs and flows - like currently I feel like our family is in the thick of spring sports, end of the school year activities are ramping up, etc. So we haven't had a date night in awhile, and I've had trouble finding time to see a few friends. That being said summer will be here soon(ish) and we will make sure to schedule all of this.

I agree with the PP who said take time to nurture your relationship with your spouse. My father died when I was a teenager and my mom said the biggest regret she had was that she was so keyed in to always needing to be there for the kids (four in the family) and wouldn't go on regular date nights, even though my dad asked. Now we have an upper elementary age child who doesn't go to bed until 9-9:30 so Netflix and chill isn't cutting it, we need to get out of the house.

We signed up to play tennis together this summer Thursday nights and will grab dinner after - glad that is on the books.

[Anonymous]

Yes. What happens is we just tell the other one "I'm going [wherever] - be back in an hour."

[Anonymous]

Yes. Kids are 1.5 and 3.

We each take a half a weekend day to ourselves almost every weekend (either until 2 or from 2 onward). The other parent is 100% in charge during that window.

Twice a month, we each have weekday evening when we are off duty starting at the end of the workday. Often we use this to meet up with friends. The other parent handles the kids (including dinner and bedtime).

We’ve been doing this since the youngest was about 4-6 months old (we worked up to it). The key ingredients are 1) an active, involved, equal partner spouse and 2) practice. The first time I had to handle both kids by myself all morning was incredibly difficult and stressful. And there was definitely part of me that was thinking “this is not worth getting time to myself.” But you get better at it! It’s a skill just like any other. Now it’s no big deal, and the time off is a sanity saver.

We also both work 9-5, M-F, hybrid. If one or both parents routinely have work to do in the evenings or on weekends, this becomes much harder.

[Anonymous]

Yes. What helps:

-partial - less than half-time - custody of older two (have a toddler at home full-time). Managing only one most of the time is much easier than three all of the time. When we have the three altogether a lot goes out of the window.

- we both WFH; DH entirely and I about 4/5 days a week. (I am not required to go in but do so to show I’m putting forth the effort; have some non-meeting conversations with colleagues and higher ups. I am 2 minutes from my workplace by car.)

-daycare is a two-minute drive and ten minute walk from our house

- we are very understanding and helpful in terms of facilitating alone/down time for the other parent. Today my husband is participating in a golf tournament. Sunday I’ll be attending a yoga workshop.

- We have grandparents who, while not local, visit fairly frequently and offer to babysit so we can sneak out for a dinner/lunch as a couple

I think it’s crucially important to maintain a sense of self/individuality outside of one’s role of parent and spouse.

[Anonymous]

Not really. We have a two year old. I just took the day off work for my bday so I could just have the day to myself and it was so nice. We do occassionally get a babysitter or my mom to watch him so that we have the time for the two of us, but strict alone time, not much.

[Anonymous]

Yes and have since we started having kids ~11 years ago (they’re now 11, 9, and 7). I’ve always kept up my daily exercise routine, with support from DH. I make time for lunch or coffee with girlfriends once a week or so. We go out when we can find childcare. That time is so important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. What happens is we just tell the other one "I'm going [wherever] - be back in an hour."

Pretty much. Both of us try to keep a regular exercise/strength training routine and only have so much flexibility to do it during work hours. So we communicate to make sure we each get that time certain weeknights or on a weekend morning. We also communicate to make sure we work around each other for any social plans without the other. I probably make those kind of plans a little more often than he does, but he doesn't mind especially if the plans are for after our kids are going to bed. I think he likes the time alone to watch whatever... I know I like those kind of nights sometimes. It's harder to coordinate a babysitter for both of us to go out together but we end up doing that maybe once a month or so. We aren't the best planners so it's usually to attend an event or concert with a specific date.

One friend has a husband who doesn't like her to go out without him and I don't think they leave the kids with sitters very often either. They don't have a set bedtime and it's chaotic. I can't tell if he doesn't want her leaving because the kids are a handful or if it's a controlling kind of thing. Either way I find it strange. My kids fight the bedtime process to some extent, but we established a routine and expectations early so there aren't too many shenanigans. I can't understand how some people have let that time of day get so out of hand. If your younger kids are awake during all of your own waking hours, there's no time for yourself. I am not talking about young babies of course. I'm talking elementary age kids just running around and grabbing snacks at 9:30 pm.